I keep telling myself that one day I’ll purchase a first generation Taurus wagon, slap an EcoBoost crate engine in it, and add some SHO suspension parts for the ultimate sleeper bull. This is why I occasionally scour the internet looking for examples that haven’t completely rusted into oblivion. My latest search was unsuccessful in that regard. Fortunately I found something much better.
This auction isn’t about a twenty year old Taurus. It isn’t even about the vanity plate. This is Jared’s story.
There is so much to unpack here.
Hi. I am willing to part with my Hawaii “JARED” vanity plate and car. In Hawaii, the ownership of a legal road-use vanity or special plate as the cars real license plate transfers with the ownership of its car.
My Corvette came with a vanity plate from a dealer which I could have kept, but I already had my first name as my plate on my trade-in, the best vanity plate possible, so I never even considered doing that.
Jared had the option of keeping another vanity plate on his Corvette in addition to having the “JARED” plate that was on his trade-in, but decided against it. Jared is a benevolent god.
First I will talk about the plate, then about the car, then about the plate again.
Whoa. Jared just painted the clearest picture of non-linear storytelling since Pulp Fiction. Tarantino’s got nothing on this guy.
In 1980’s movies Arthur with Dudley Moore, and Weird Science with Kelly LeBrock popularized the idea of rich or lucky people having cars with their first names as their real license plates.
This topic is worthy of a dissertation. Odds are Jared has already written it. Jared: former Corvette owner, possessor of vanity plate, pop culture super-genius.
While never “rich,” for many, many, many years I had “Jared” on a variety of modern classic and old classics including a Dodge Challenger, Mustang hardtops and convertibles, a Z28 convertible, and a Corvette convertible. Been there, done that. I put in for a new vanity plate and will release this to the buyer with the best offer.
Jared has lived the life most of us dream about at night. He’s owned a Challenger, a Camaro, and multiple Mustangs. Men want to be him and women want to be with him. I can see it now: an impeccably dressed Jared walks up to the most attractive women at the bar and tells her his automotive history. All men within earshot instantly begin weeping. The women shudder in orgasmic delight. Upon their realization that Jared is not talking to them, the women instantly descend into a jealous rage and aim to take out the object of his affection. Jared skillfully fends off these shrieking banshees and takes his paramour to the safety of his expansive villa, where they make sweet, passionate love until the sun comes up. When she sees his 1996 Ford Taurus emblazoned with “JARED” on both sides, she knows he’s the man for her. They live happily ever after.
The car is definitely a classic and the last year it was the best selling car in America. The design was considered anywhere from innovative to weird. It made all kinds of headlines outside of car mags, like Time, etc. because it seemed an expensive upgrade and a radical revamp. It was technologically advanced and definitely controversial.
Jared’s got some moxie! We can now authoritatively declare that Jared is not solely interested in selling the vanity plate.
I had 5 Oldsmobile Cutlasses which were also common cars but quickly became collector’s items worth far more than their list prices after 20 years.
It take a savvy man to buy low and sell high. Jared demonstrated his mind blowing pop culture prowess before, so its not surprising to hear he also possesses a strong business acumen. What can’t this man do?
While this Taurus has not skyrocketed in value like the 70-72 Cutlasses I owned, this has far fewer mileage than they did, under 60,000 original miles, gets way better gas mileage for sure, has all the power options of modern cars, and even the A/C works, sort of. Probably just needs a recharge. With a classic car there is no way to determine its value, and every cars over 20 years is technically a classic.
I’m pretty sure there is at least one way to determine the value of a classic car.
They are worth whatever someone is willing to pay who likes that kind of car. After selling this, I would probably buy another like it. I am that boring now.
I think we can all agree that Jared is not boring, although I suspect he wouldn’t be enamored with the reasons why we find him interesting.
“I think the first generation Taurus, the forward looking aerodynamic sedan, will be collectible too.” Jay Leno, Popular Mechanics, 2009
“When the ’96 Taurus goes on sale this September, Ford will offer concept-car styling, inside and out, at a take-home price.” Mac Demere, Motortrend Magazine, 1996
The first generation Taurus probably is a collectible at this point. And Mac Demere correctly characterized the third generation as having concept-car styling. These are good quotations to use! Jared has a superior intellect.
While I am no longer rich by any definition, this plate may have value to others who own far more collectible classic than this, and can add it onto their Ferrari, Porsche, or even more exotic, luxury, or classic car and sell their collectible car for a ton of money to one of the many, many rich and famous people whose first name is Jared (Check a list of Hollywood’s who’s who these days, the name is now everywhere: movie stars, top athletes, musicians, producers, etc.) and who have houses or property in Hawaii.
Jared wrote that he was never rich earlier in the ad, but the bigger take away here is that there are indeed many famous people named Jared.
Here is one famous Jared. Mr. Fogle currently resides in a place where a vanity license plate isn’t particularly useful. At this point the former Subway spokesman is probably making vanity license plates for the Jared and non-Jared humans out there who don’t commit heinous crimes.
Another famous Jared decided to mail condoms to his co-workers in the name of “art.”
In fairness, not everyone named Jared is bad. Writer/Director Jared Hess is responsible for 2004’s Napoleon Dynamite, a cinematic masterpiece that continues to entertain audiences thirteen years later.
Hell, they might even want to bring a car back to California with this plate on it and drive it around there simply because they want their first name on an exotic or unusual car as its license plate, just like in the movies. And a Hawaii plate is hardly less prestigious a license plate to rich people in California than a California plate might be. It kind of brags they have a place in Hawaii too.
At this point we’re well acquainted with someone who brags, or more accurately, humblebrags.
Will sell it to the best offer above a certain amount or whoever might bid the full amount first.
There are currently no bids for Jared’s treasured car and vanity plate, which failed to sell last week at $15,000.