I keep telling myself that one day I’ll purchase a first generation Taurus wagon, slap an EcoBoost crate engine in it, and add some SHO suspension parts for the ultimate sleeper bull. This is why I occasionally scour the internet looking for examples that haven’t completely rusted into oblivion. My latest search was unsuccessful in that regard. Fortunately I found something much better.
This auction isn’t about a twenty year old Taurus. It isn’t even about the vanity plate. This is Jared’s story.
There is so much to unpack here.
Hi. I am willing to part with my Hawaii “JARED” vanity plate and car. In Hawaii, the ownership of a legal road-use vanity or special plate as the cars real license plate transfers with the ownership of its car.
Hi!
My Corvette came with a vanity plate from a dealer which I could have kept, but I already had my first name as my plate on my trade-in, the best vanity plate possible, so I never even considered doing that.
Jared had the option of keeping another vanity plate on his Corvette in addition to having the “JARED” plate that was on his trade-in, but decided against it. Jared is a benevolent god.
First I will talk about the plate, then about the car, then about the plate again.
Whoa. Jared just painted the clearest picture of non-linear storytelling since Pulp Fiction. Tarantino’s got nothing on this guy.
In 1980’s movies Arthur with Dudley Moore, and Weird Science with Kelly LeBrock popularized the idea of rich or lucky people having cars with their first names as their real license plates.
This topic is worthy of a dissertation. Odds are Jared has already written it. Jared: former Corvette owner, possessor of vanity plate, pop culture super-genius.
While never “rich,” for many, many, many years I had “Jared” on a variety of modern classic and old classics including a Dodge Challenger, Mustang hardtops and convertibles, a Z28 convertible, and a Corvette convertible. Been there, done that. I put in for a new vanity plate and will release this to the buyer with the best offer.
Jared has lived the life most of us dream about at night. He’s owned a Challenger, a Camaro, and multiple Mustangs. Men want to be him and women want to be with him. I can see it now: an impeccably dressed Jared walks up to the most attractive women at the bar and tells her his automotive history. All men within earshot instantly begin weeping. The women shudder in orgasmic delight. Upon their realization that Jared is not talking to them, the women instantly descend into a jealous rage and aim to take out the object of his affection. Jared skillfully fends off these shrieking banshees and takes his paramour to the safety of his expansive villa, where they make sweet, passionate love until the sun comes up. When she sees his 1996 Ford Taurus emblazoned with “JARED” on both sides, she knows he’s the man for her. They live happily ever after.
The car is definitely a classic and the last year it was the best selling car in America. The design was considered anywhere from innovative to weird. It made all kinds of headlines outside of car mags, like Time, etc. because it seemed an expensive upgrade and a radical revamp. It was technologically advanced and definitely controversial.
Jared’s got some moxie! We can now authoritatively declare that Jared is not solely interested in selling the vanity plate.
I had 5 Oldsmobile Cutlasses which were also common cars but quickly became collector’s items worth far more than their list prices after 20 years.
It take a savvy man to buy low and sell high. Jared demonstrated his mind blowing pop culture prowess before, so its not surprising to hear he also possesses a strong business acumen. What can’t this man do?
While this Taurus has not skyrocketed in value like the 70-72 Cutlasses I owned, this has far fewer mileage than they did, under 60,000 original miles, gets way better gas mileage for sure, has all the power options of modern cars, and even the A/C works, sort of. Probably just needs a recharge. With a classic car there is no way to determine its value, and every cars over 20 years is technically a classic.
I’m pretty sure there is at least one way to determine the value of a classic car.
They are worth whatever someone is willing to pay who likes that kind of car. After selling this, I would probably buy another like it. I am that boring now.
I think we can all agree that Jared is not boring, although I suspect he wouldn’t be enamored with the reasons why we find him interesting.
“I think the first generation Taurus, the forward looking aerodynamic sedan, will be collectible too.” Jay Leno, Popular Mechanics, 2009
“When the ’96 Taurus goes on sale this September, Ford will offer concept-car styling, inside and out, at a take-home price.” Mac Demere, Motortrend Magazine, 1996
The first generation Taurus probably is a collectible at this point. And Mac Demere correctly characterized the third generation as having concept-car styling. These are good quotations to use! Jared has a superior intellect.
While I am no longer rich by any definition, this plate may have value to others who own far more collectible classic than this, and can add it onto their Ferrari, Porsche, or even more exotic, luxury, or classic car and sell their collectible car for a ton of money to one of the many, many rich and famous people whose first name is Jared (Check a list of Hollywood’s who’s who these days, the name is now everywhere: movie stars, top athletes, musicians, producers, etc.) and who have houses or property in Hawaii.
Jared wrote that he was never rich earlier in the ad, but the bigger take away here is that there are indeed many famous people named Jared.
Here is one famous Jared. Mr. Fogle currently resides in a place where a vanity license plate isn’t particularly useful. At this point the former Subway spokesman is probably making vanity license plates for the Jared and non-Jared humans out there who don’t commit heinous crimes.
Another famous Jared decided to mail condoms to his co-workers in the name of “art.”
In fairness, not everyone named Jared is bad. Writer/Director Jared Hess is responsible for 2004’s Napoleon Dynamite, a cinematic masterpiece that continues to entertain audiences thirteen years later.
Hell, they might even want to bring a car back to California with this plate on it and drive it around there simply because they want their first name on an exotic or unusual car as its license plate, just like in the movies. And a Hawaii plate is hardly less prestigious a license plate to rich people in California than a California plate might be. It kind of brags they have a place in Hawaii too.
At this point we’re well acquainted with someone who brags, or more accurately, humblebrags.
Will sell it to the best offer above a certain amount or whoever might bid the full amount first.
There are currently no bids for Jared’s treasured car and vanity plate, which failed to sell last week at $15,000.
Self-awareness is a wonderful thing.
A couple too many zeros on that “Buy It Now”…
Ed,
I have often dreamed of putting a crate 2.3 EcoBoost in an old Pinto wagon. Great idea until you put pencil to paper and do some figuring. What old non-Mustang is worth pouring a $12,000-plus modern drivetrain into? Not many.
That’s why you buy the powertrain from a wrecked car and use the Ford Racing sensor and wiring kit. I’d love to do that transplant in a Fairmont 🙂 .
I had the chance to drive a Eco Boost Mustang last year and the performance was… well… OK… nothing thrilling at all. I know I have to consider the little 2.3 was pulling a heavy car.
In a Pinto it can be a whole different history.
In a Taurus the FWD configuration can make things a lot more complicated.
Good luck finding a project like that, that makes financial sense!
Jared is a mad genius. His business acumen is clear, as he wisely lowered his price to $14250 since it didn’t sell at 15k. As they say, he only needs one. He’ll get his price if there is another guy named Jared who lives in Hawaii, loves 3rd gen Tauruses and personalized license plates and has a poor sense of value. This other Jared has been impatiently bidding his time, frustrated that “Jared” is not available to put on his license plate. Now is his chance! Second Jared is even smarter than Jared because he didn’t jump in to purchase right away, making Jared lower his price.
These are very strange times that we are living in.
Somewhere West of Laramie. . . .
Jared (if that is even his real name) isn’t selling a car. He’s selling a dream.
As a salesman, Jared’s pitch earns my professional admiration. I can truthfully admit I’ve never encountered a better attempt to justify $15k for a Taurus.
Or is this the German-American way to say “Yes, it’s red” on a vanity plate? Probably not, because that would only make the car worth about $2k.
Unless you’re in Frankenmuth…
Even then, it would be Ja, rot! 🙂
It failed to sell at $14,250. The price has now been lowered to $7,995. Kelly Blue Book says a ’96 Taurus GL with 57,000 miles from the Maui zip code is worth $1,773.
Good luck with that, ‘Jared’
$799.50 is more like it…
Wow, what a deal! That’s almost 50% off! I almost can’t afford NOT to buy it at that discount.
If I could afford to live in Hawaii, maybe I could afford this opportunity to buy such a prime example of a mid-90’s classic. With sort of working AZ, even!
AC, not AZ
When the ad said “Probably just needs a recharge,” I became convinced the whole thing is a put-on. Because come on.
Drop another 9, $795 sounds about right even with peeling paint and “AC that even works, sort of, probably just needs a recharge”.
I once saw an CL ad for a ’95 Tercel (in January) that had “ice cold AC”. I pointed out to the seller the car wasn’t equipped with AC. Bought it anyway with a $500 discount, family member still drives it 3 years later needing only a starter during this time. The seller was not the owner and the car came with a California title, from his expression I believe he did think the car had AC.
I’m sorry, I don’t buy it at all. It’s just a cynic attempt to scam some unknowing poor sod out of their money. He knows full well the car is worth next to nothing, therefore this isn’t charming, it’s hustling like trying to sell some idiot the Brooklyn Bridge or Eiffel Tower. It’s a willful attempt to scam someone out of their money. If he really thought the car was worth something, he would’ve fucking washed it.
I don’t think it is dirty so much as the finish is just really dull.
I kind of think this whole ad is a joke, everything about it is so absurd. I’ve never heard of a car being posted on ebay as a joke, though. Maybe it’s a Hawaii thing.
When these came out in the mid-90s, one critic began his review by paraphrasing a line line from a ’60s super-hero TV show.
“Holy Ovals, Batman!”
Happy Motoring, Mark
Returning late in the day from the Gilmore’s German show a week ago, I snapped a pic of some new residents in “beater row” in front of my condo (the 06 Focus is mine)
I wrote the seller and told him what the KBB value was. This was his reply:
“In the early 90’s I had a 72 Cutlass S 2 door in mint condition bought for around $2500 less than but near 20 years old, appraised at over 3k and sold for over 4k. It’s “book value” was $400, thus the required appraisal to insure it. As I said in the ad, with cars 20 to 30 or more years old, they are worth whatever people are willing to pay.”
And, today, that 1972 Cutlass S hardtop, if in great shape, would be worth the same (if not more).
But compared with a clapped-out ’96 Taurus with a Hawaiian vanity plate? Truly different leagues. Jared has a poor notion of what constitutes desirability in cars, bordering on deranged. But, then, it’s almost certainly just con-man shilling in a lame attempt to separate some ignorant sap from his cash.
It does make for an amusing CC, though.
Ha yes, if Jared had owned a brown 72 base level Torino sedan (a much closer analog to what he is selling now) I don’t think this line of argument would work as well.
I had fun with both the Craigslist ad and Edward S’s unpacking–lots of smiles. Lucky Jared if he sells the car/plate at anywhere near his desired price, but I guess the “what’s it worth” question is only truly answered once a buyer and seller strike a deal.
E.S., I still mourn losing my gen1 wagon in an accident, and have noticed that nice ones are tough to find these days. Here’s a clean sorta-the-same-thing Gen2 in PA for not much money:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/1993-FORD-TAURUS-WAGON-SUPER-CLEAN-1-OWNER-76K-ORIGINAL-MILES-7-PASSENGER-/192144490282?hash=item2cbcb43f2a:g:Jb4AAOSwmgJY3aZ8&vxp=mtr
The question of the engine transplant came up above—-it sounded tough and expensive to me. Is there something with appreciably more HP that would drop in (more or less)?
GEN3 TAURUS (oval car): I still think time will be kind to the design, and I’m determined to drive my Gen3 wagon into the ground. It just turned 18—–is that too young/soon for a COAL writeup?
These things were just too round. I liked the squared-up 2000 models a lot more.
Sorry. You had me chuckling along until the association with Mr. Subway.
Then I realized it’s still too soon.
Perhaps a license plate frame that says “free puppies” or “free candy”?
I think Ron Popeil found his soulmate.
I owned one of these. Don’t waste any more of your valuable time on this car. You are worth a level much higher than this pedestrian automobile. When it starts to fail,…and it will, and a lot sooner than you’d like…..it’s gonna piss your intelligence off.
You’ve been warned.
I had a first gen Taurus MT5. It was fun to row through the gears but it was awfully slow. An ecoboost might really make things interesting.
I wish that eBay had a simple, non-intrusive way of detecting and discouraging ignorant and douchebag car sellers (and buyers, too, but that’s another issue). I’m all for personal responsibility, so I don’t mean something that reeks of “nanny state.” Maybe a simple button next to the price: “See what similar vehicles have recently sold for on eBay.”
My favorite listing of this type was over 10 years ago. It was a guy in the Northeast US who normally sold cameras and lenses, selling his low mileage, early ’80 Olds Ninety-Eight with Buick wheels and tacky chrome mud flaps. It was listed at some ridiculous price for that time, like $20k or more. His description began with “KEEP YOUR OPINIONS AND SO-CALLED ‘ADVICE’ TO YOURSELF” (his all-caps, not mine) and ended with “I arrived at this price by taking into account the following expenses from the past 25 years,” and then his list included storage (okay, maybe), maintenance (uh, no), and insurance (uh, hell no). If the price didn’t turn off potential buyers, his attitude probably killed the deal.
I always wondered what happened to that car, which was actually quite nice (minus the wheels and mud flaps)…and if the seller is still selling camera equipment.
I gave up on eBay, long ago. To me, there are too many potential pratfalls, not to mention the fact eBay gets a cut. But lack of my participation doesn’t seem to have affected their bottom line. The guy trying to sell a grungy old Taurus via an obvious confidence game story is one thing, but there are plenty others much slicker and not near as apparent.
With that said, I’ve had good luck selling a few things on Craigslist, which can also be fraught with peril.
i.e., Napoleon Blownapart?
Not re: Jared, who is either a very clever con man or an idiot, but re: your desire to own a first-gen Taurus wagon. I had a white ’86. Very hard to find in a parking lot because it seemed every other Taurus sold that year was a white wagon. Good reasons for that. Once the dealer finished the quality control work Ford should have done while building it, it was a good car, and white was a good color for it.
I used to take it to the fast oil-change place on Sunday mornings. Their constant attempts to upsell annoyed me until one Sunday, they finally crossed the line. The kid manager told me he recommended changing the lube in the rear differential. I told him if he could find it he could change it, and never went back.
For the sheer number of Tauruses sold I sure don’t see many of them on the road anymore. Everyday I see quite a few 20+ year old Toyota Camrys still humming along and looking good. Not to mention the number of aged Honda Accords from the 80s and 90s I see on the road. I know that Tauruses and Sables lasted around 120K before they started having major issues, sometimes earlier than that. Problematic transmissions were a big issue for early Tauruses and Sables. Camrys and Accords are good for 300+K with just general maintenance performed.