Dr. VanillaDude’s Guide To The Evils of Vans

Dr. VanillaDude: “Today’s “cool” generation have made vans popular road vehicles. This is the first of a series of helpful educational articles to assist moms and dads in becoming aware of the kinds of evil behavior lurking within so many vans. It isn’t until Junior is arrested, or when Cindy confesses to going “all the way” in one of these seductive wagon-type vehicles do parents learn. Dr. VanillaDude is committed to educating today’s trusting parents so that they can become better untrusting ones.”

The Japanese Rolling Beer Wagon

“Take for instance, this simple 1984 Toyota Van. Don’t let that wholesome-looking obviously married couple fool you into thinking that these Toyota Vans are fun and safe rides for your teens! We will let this story based on actual events, fill you in.”

Bobby: “Uh, my name is Bobby and I work part-time at the Wichita Toyota dealership. So anyways the sales guys get to go to Kansas City and see the official Toyota model presentation. Because I always did a great job, the boss rewarded me by inviting me along. I had no idea that when I got into the Toyota Van, my life would change.”

Dr. VanillaDude: “Can you describe for the folks what kind of evil van it was?”

Bobby: “Its really a pick up truck with an neat box bolted on the frame. The engine sat between the front seats. It fit everyone. The Van is a little narrow but ours had two sunroofs and all wheel drive. They were expensive and we couldn’t sell any of them.”

Dr. VanillaDude: “The interior – was it sinful and sexy?”

Bobby: “Um, well not at first. But after someone gave me lots of beer, that soft cloth interior began feeling really comfy. Next thing I know we’re all lined up laughing, and urinating into a ditch a bunch of times. One of the guys’s stream hit an electric fence, but I started getting sicker so I didn’t see what happened after he started yelling.”

Dr. VanillaDude: “What other repulsive displays of nudity did the Toyota Van cause?”

Bobby: “They took me to a club where women danced real naked. Real close too. I saw a lot of stuff I wasn’t supposed to. The guys pushed me down on stage and made me lay down on my back with a dollar bill in my mouth while these ladies, uh… did this trick – I don’t think I can go on!”

Dr. VanillaDude: “Bobby – you disgust me. Folks, this is the kind of sinful mayhem our innocents are witnessing first hand when they find themselves in a van.”

Not for wholesome camping, but for unwholesome drugging!


Dr. VanillaDude: “Our next story comes from Billy. Billy is a an average high school student in Eugene with a shocking story about a van that turned him into a marijuana addict. Isn’t that right Billy?”

Billy: “Pot ain’t addictive – moron. And I knew the guy, he’s my friend.”

Dr. VanillaDude: “Who’s the doctor here Billy? Just tell our folks what happened to you when you took a “ride” in a 1980 Camping Van. It was no Boy Scout Jamboree, was it!”

Billy: “I worked at Burger Heaven and my friend did too – until you got him fired. We were parked in the back lot, planning a camping trip up the Gorge when suddenly a sweet fat joint appeared. It so needed to be smoked.”

Dr. VanillaDude: “Billy, the first step from addiction is speaking proper English. You found a marijuana cigarette? Why did you think the van cause you to inhale this illegal poison? Was it the sinful interior?”

Billy: “The inside of that GMC VanDura was awesome! We could fill the frig with Oly and LIVE in there. And go to school and avoid the dorms. Chicks totally dig them too.”

Dr. VanillaDude: “As you can sadly hear ladies and gentlemen, Billy’s ride in a van has turned him into a drug addict using words used by other addicts. “Chick” means a young lady. “Oly” refers to beer no young man his age should be drinking. “Frig” – um, I’m not certain, but I believe it is slang for Heroin. Billy – you disgust me!”

Temple of Seduction


Dr. VanillaDude: “Meet Cindy. Until she found herself in a van, Cindy was a sweet innocent high schooler. Tell us Cindy what happened. It was a 1974 Ford Econoline.”

Cindy: “I was at the beach when this totally groovey college guy appeared like out of a dream. He looked just like Bobby Sherman. His hair! His van had a bed and an eight track. After sunset, we had a campfire and he sang a song he wrote just for me. He wanted to show me something in the back of his van.”

Dr. VanillaDude: “And being a sweet trusting innocent girl, you thought he would show you his Bible? Did he do anything sinful with you in the back of that sin wagon, Cindy?”

Cindy: “It didn’t feel sinful, it was actually really beautiful. And groovey.”

Dr. VanillaDude: “Cindy, how will you ever find a husband now that you have ridden, or have been ridden, in the back of a van? Being a medical doctor, I won’t call you a tramp, an easy girl, a soiled dove, or a trollop – but if I wasn’t – I would.”

“American parents of all ages, please heed the warning signs. Has your child ever used the words, “Econoline, Greenbrier, A-100, or VW Bus?” Vans are tempting our youth with good times. The freedom, the privacy, the conveniences, the go anyway practicality of today’s vans have created opportunities for Satan. Please remember to keep your child on a strict curfew and keep them away from these immoral machines!”