Doublespeak. It’s a component of human behavior that makes intimate relationships so maddening, modern politics so entertaining, and corporate board meetings so predictable. It’s also often a vital part of unloading an old, unwanted car.
In almost no situation is word play as prevalent, or as amusing, as in the case of a cash-strapped, space-limited, or domestically subjugated car owner desperate to unload some decrepit hulk that’s either been completely driven into the ground, beaten within an inch of its life, or is simply way past its prime. These folks get real inventive when they’re motivated to sell. They aren’t necessarily lying, but the way they’re able to twist the truth around would make any politician or mainstream media personality proud.
So here it is- in no particular order of alphabetical organization, truthfulness, or irony, the most commonly used phrases by used car sellers, with the translations written in italics. Here we go:
“MUST SELL”
My wife / husband / girlfriend / boyfriend / mom / dad / roommate / landlord / HOA / neighbor / boss is tired of looking at this worthless hulk, and if I don’t dump it right now, I’LL be gotten rid of along with it.
“ILLNESS FORCES SALE”
I’m sick. Sick of this damn car!
“DIVORCE FORCES SALE”
My darling wife has decided that she wants more out of life than I’m able to give her, and she wants her half of our paid-for Jeep Grand Cherokee to pay for all of her cosmetic surgery, as well as a whole new wardrobe.
“THIS ONE WON’T LAST”
Self-explanatory- means EXACTLY what it says.
“RUNS GREAT”
How it starts, corners, and stops is a completely different story.
“RAN WHEN PARKED”
I knew this POS wasn’t going to stay running much longer, so I parked it.
“GOES LIKE THE WIND”
This car BLOWS!!!
“RUNS LIKE A DREAM”
A really BAD dream.
“A GREAT BUY”
A good cry.
“PROJECT CAR / FIXER-UPPER / MECHANIC’S SPECIAL”
Say goodbye to your savings, your social life, and a good portion of your hair.
“THE DEAL OF A LIFETIME”
Take this pig out on the road and you might not live through it.
“NEEDS A GOOD HOME”
PLEASE get it out of here!!!
“RARE MODEL / HARD TO FIND”
Most of these turds got carted off to the scrap heap a long time ago.
“LIKE-NEW CONDITION”
I could have financed a brand new Hyundai with the money I’ve dumped into this pile.
“GREAT FAMILY TRANSPORTATION”
Years of spilled food and drink, hyperactive kids, sick animals, afterschool sports, house and garden projects, and teenage drivers have completely trashed this thing.
“GAS SAVER”
With this car, you’ll be walking or taking the bus so often that you’ll hardly ever put gas in it.
“HAVE FULL SERVICE HISTORY”
The repair history of this thing could rival a James Steinbeck novel.
“YOU’LL LOVE IT”
You’ll hate it- eventually.
“MUST SELL- BABY ON THE WAY”
Wifey just HAS to have that fancy new CUV to keep up with all the other soccer moms.
“ONLY AVAILABLE FOR A LIMITED TIME”
If this heap doesn’t sell by Sunday, off to the junkyard it goes!
So there you have it- the most commonly used cliches in the used car business. If any fellow posters have any other gems, feel free to share!
“A/C ONLY NEEDS RECHARGE”
HVAC needs entire rebuild. Be prepared to sweat a lot.
By the way, it’s John Steinbeck, not James.
“Needs breaks”
I need a break from this POS.
Usually in rust belt, if an owner says it runs great, it means it RUNs great when still in one piece, not so after falling apart.
I just fixed “brake line, fuel line” only indicated how terribly rusted it is.
And surface rust is never from surface.
“Needs restore” – should be parted out.
“Great for student.” This one has two possible meanings.
1. Anyone with more money has higher standards. We all know what dorm rooms and college apartments look like, right? This is the vehicular equivalent.
2. Student of what? Buy this car and you will be taken to school. You will earn a degree from the school of hard knocks, with a Masters in all that ails this car. Or more likely, you will just drop out by hauling it to the scrapyard.
Even better is when they say great car for first time driver.
Another take on it is an ad for a car, like maybe a 1967 Newport, that was bought for the seller’s 16 year old daughter and she didn’t like it. So my loss, your gain.
Or, “If you can ride your bike everywhere you need to go – have I got the car for you!”
The most overused and beaten-to-death one I’ve seen is “mint condition.” I suppose that would mean it’s gonna take a mint’s worth of money to bring it up to decent condition.
A price listing 10 X what’s it’s worth. ” No low ballers.” Ran perfect last week. For the last time. Oil leak, just needs $5.00 gasket. And engine disassembly to get at it. Transmission only works in reverse, probably only needs fluid change. After the rebuild, that is. Must sell, bought new car. That works, unlike this driveway trophy. Minor rust. Make sure your Tetanus shots are up to date. Needs minor body work. Frame rails look like spaghetti. Easy fix. Just need time, money, lot’s of tools, and master mechanic, along with plenty of expensive parts. Hate to sell. Because of what might happen to me after you find out what you bought.
I agree about the $8 gasket, available in Autozone!
Wise guys go to NAPA for something that important
Yes! On the ‘no low-ballers’ line, that usually means “I just watched Barrett Jackson, and even though my car is in worse condition, and a different make, and a different model, and a different year, I will not take ten dollars less than my newly-inflated, insane valuation of my heap.”
“If nobody gives me $500 today, it’ll go to the junkyard Saturday”…which yard is it going to? I need parts for one of my other heaps and it’s cheaper to buy parts than a whole parts car.
Every now and then somebody will run a Craigslist ad that is disarming in its honesty…amuses me to no end. There was a horrible-looking Volvo 240 recently that the owner called a steaming POS, and had a laundry list of issues in the ad. I sent him a message and he replied that he had done that previously and the cars sold relatively quickly for his (low) asking price. He could sleep at night and the new owner had some notion about what he was getting into.
“I won’t take a penny less than $500 [unless it’s a $72 check from the junkyard]!”
Saw that in an ad for an 85 Nissan 300zx a while back, then saw the same ad a few weeks later
BARN FIND = sat out in open in a field for 10 years.
READY FOR RESTORATION = been rotting for years.
ALMOST COMPLETE = missing rare/unobtaiable/vital parts already removed.
RARE MODEL = the rest have been scrapped they were so disliked.
“Rare model” also means it was incredibly UNPOPULAR when new, so only a handful were sold. Example: about 20 years ago I visited a local Ford dealership that had a new Probe in their showroom. If was a color the salesman called “peach”, but in some types of light it STRONGLY resembled the color of a certain part of the female anatomy NEVER seen in public. A few Thunderbirds were also painted that color….that hasn’t been seen anywhere since.
The one I really hate is: “….needs to be seen”, and there are no pictures.
Runner-up is: “needs some body work on driver’s side”……and while there are nearly 10-12 pictures in the ad, NONE are of the driver’s side.
Or, they could just be trying to convince you that a 2001 Impala in white is “rare”.
We had a tire shop in town years ago that would tell us that we had a “rare size” every time we asked for a quote.
I’ve been stooging around eBay/CL looking at Cosworth Vegas for while, and variations of “HPFP (high pressure fuel pump) recently replaced/on order/needs replaced” seem to come up frequently.
If you buy one of these I’d like to hear the story on the car you choose. 40 years later I still find these to be interesting. I would think the FI parts would be difficult to come by.
Original miles. What’s the difference between “original miles” and say, replacement, or secondary miles? Gently used is another one I like. Yeah, gently used, except when Aunt Edna let her 16 year old grandson borrow the car.
Original miles used to mean it hadn’t rolled past 99,999.9 on the odo yet. With the new odo’s without the decimal (why the hell did we need decimals on odometers anyway?) you’d have to burn through a million miles worth of gasoline to do that.
Easy restoration – So how come you never finished it
99% complete -If you ever find the missing 1% you’ll have to sell a kidney to pay for it
Rare car – For a good reason-Rare doesn’t always mean good
It’ll get you from A to B – Don’t try going to C
And rare does not mean valuable, either.
The needle on my skepticism meter always hits the uppermost pin when I read: “Nothing wrong with it. I just have one car too many since I’ve already purchased a new one.”
Which could mean:
“There’s something so horribly wrong with this POS that I couldn’t take a chance on it possibly breaking down in the time it would take me to sell it,” OR,
“No dealer in his or her right mind would give me anything near what I’m asking as a trade-in allowance,” OR,
“The dealer ran a Carfax on it, and found out that it received more man-hours of assembly in a local body shop than it did at the factory. I sure hope you don’t know about Carfax, or that you’re too impressed by the shiny paint to care!”
___________________________________________
Then there’s this one: “Salvage title. Damage was VERY minor and undetectable since repair. Airbags did not deploy. No frame damage (usually on a unit body vehicle). Can’t figure out why it was totaled by the insurance company.”
Yeah, I know. Hard to believe why an insurance company would pay out more than it would cost to fix “minor” damage to a vehicle so it’s safe and reliable. Because you know, insurance companies are more than happy to pay out MORE money to people than they need to.
Then there’s this one: “Salvage title. Damage was VERY minor and undetectable since repair. Airbags did not deploy. No frame damage (usually on a unit body vehicle). Can’t figure out why it was totaled by the insurance company.”
Damn, I saw that ad with the above. Either that or it has been pasted in most every salvage car for sale.
“IT’S THE BEST CAR I’VE EVER OWNED!”
That’s a sad commentary on how bad everything else you own is. This one probably isn’t much better….
PART SERVICE HISTORY = first 20,000 miles – now showing 99, 000.
FORMER TITLED OWNER = Driven by mad aristocratic who never put oil in it.
FORMER FACTORY PRESS CAR = tested to breaking point by 5 auto magazines.
Owned by enthusiast – he likes football and rock music
“owned by enthusiast”
Ive seen all the Fast & Furious movies.
I always see alot of “For Sale” signs with no information on them except a phone number, which usually means “I’m ashamed of how much I want for this pile, and if I posted the price like a normal person I would scare everyone away, so give me a call so I can try talking you into it and justify my outrageous price.”
“Serious buyers only” always gets me when its placed in an ad.
I tell sellers “how can I know how serious I am about buying ,until I look at it in person?”
Which car did Batman and Robin get?
The Lincoln Futura. It’s just out of shot, on the left. According to Wikipedia, “When filming for the series began, several problems arose due to the car’s age: it overheated, the battery went dead, and the expensive Mickey Thompson tires kept blowing. By mid season, the engine and transmission were replaced…”
So, a pretty typical 2nd-hand car lot buy!
Ive owned several used Jeeps and have looked at a LOT. Those and other 4x4s usually get some creatively re-imagined reality:
“4×4 works great”
I have literally beaten this thing like it owes me money
“tough and rugged”
Was left topless for extended periods in inclement weather and the mechanicals have had the snot beat out of them.
“AMC 258 or 4.0L V6”
I don’t know thing #1 about Jeeps or whats under the hood.
“Best engine ever put in these”
Hood hasn’t been opened the entire time Ive owned it.
“Adult owned”
I just turned 21
“Ive done all the work on this”
Ive either done no maintenance at all and/or I don’t have a clue what Im doing.
“Professionally lifted”
Lift blocks on the front axle, 3″ shackle lift made from 1/8″ flimsy steel, all hardware was the cheapest available, I was drunk and/or high when doing the wrenching.
“tastefully customized”
Credit card maxxed out at JC Whitney, Pep Boys, Autozone. See yesterdays ‘most hated accessories’ thread on CC for details
“Many new parts”
Has been frankensteined out of 2-3 other Jeeps which were even MORE worn out
PRICE ON APPLICATION = I will try to get twice what it is worth from you.
NO KNOWN FAULTS = plenty of unknown ones.
Female owned and driven. I’ll not ad comment.
Mother was owner, but the teenage son joy rode it for a few years.
There is nothing like Craigslist to exhibit the wide range in mastery of the English language and I speak loosely. Two days ago there was an ad, up on blocket, which is kind of the Swedish version of Craigslist. It was for a 1960 Imperial and when translated I was pleased to find that the language used in car ads seems to be universal no matter what the language.
The was a used car yard called “Fair Deal Motors” here in Brisbane. Everything was
‘the new shape/late model” even at 7-8 years old.
“Gleaming sweet cream” paint & “Honey Beige” interiors were common too.
I used to read their ads regularly just for a laugh.
There was a yard in Sydney at the Parramatta end of the famous nine mile used car stretch called “Beats Walking” though a perusal of their stock and the close proximity of the rail system meant not by enough that day, several miles further toward Sydney CBD $600 was exchanged for a beat up but registered 74 Falcon 500 sedan and I drove home.
RUST FREE, the rest is $495 no haggling.
RAN WHEN PARKED = Parked because of rust. Glad I was driving on soft grass at 5 mph when I fell through the floor.
RARE MODEL = Nobody wanted one back then, either.
I KNOW WHAT I HAVE = Hilarious when the ad is for a “Volkswagon” or “Camero”.
all original except for paint/upholstery.
yeah…the original stuff is the worn brakes/shot front end/tranny full of sawdust and whatever else I could hide!
my only thought tho is the first pic….who could be THAT nasty to a rolls????
All original – you’ll never see another like this one
Back in the sixties MAD magazine ran an article where they ‘explained’ what the abbreviations in classified ads meant. Their car ad was a scream. The ‘victim’ was a ’57 Hudson. ‘2tn rd&crm’ became ‘2 tons of rusted and corroded metal’.
I’ll see if I can dig out the article if you guys want.
I love “No Timewasters Please”. As if that’ll do any good.
Another popular one on ebay UK is the guy who bought the car to flip who says, “I bought it for the wife, but she hates convertibles (or whatever) / is too short to drive it / doesn’t have licence etc etc.
Who, is James Steinbeck? John’s little brother?
REASON FOR SALE EMIGRATION = I will need to once the new owner comes after me.
MANY NEW PARTS = I once inflated the tyres.
1 previous owner – Hertz
Only driven to church by my Grandmother – Driven back from bar by me because I was too drunk to walk
I constantly see ” fully restored” for cars that are actually modified. For instance, a ’56 Ford pickup with the usual small block Chevy.
I am getting a little tired of “barn find”. There must be a lot more barns around than I am aware of, and I live in a rural area. “Field Car” would be more appropriate for most of them. ” Found Dead” would be more appropriate for most of them.
‘restoration started’ = I took it apart one weekend and it has been sitting since then
‘much work done’ = krylon and bondo process has been started
‘restoration almost complete’ = krylon and bondo process almost complete
‘ac needs recharge’ = …and compressor and dryer and condenser and hoses…
‘needs tune up’ = and engine rebuild
EMERGING CLASSIC = boring 15 year old auto of no merit whatsoever.
It’ just like deciphering the codes on dating sites:
‘Athletic build’ (if you consider Sumo wrestling a sport) ; ‘Fortyish’ (49); ‘Enjoys cooking’ (yours) and so on…
“Doctor’s car”, in May or June: owned by a broke graduate student who just graduated.
“New breaks”
“new timing belts”
Craigslist is always entertaining and great social commentary.
Another thing that I detest is keyword spamming on Craigslist. For instance, if you look up “Corvette”, the page will probably be filled with listings for a 1993 Mazda 626 or a 1998 Hyundai Elantra: click on one of those ads, and you’ll see “SE HABLA ESPAÑOL CIVIC CAMARO CORVETTE ZR1 M3 CLEAN V10 LIMPIO WRX PORSCHE RARE BUGATTI” at the bottom.
Do these sellers really think people looking for an M3 or a Corvette care about their rusty heap?
” solid as a rock ”
: because it’s all one rusty lump .
” will deliver for expenses ”
: I like caviar
-Nate
“ONE LADY OWNER!!” = The other 19 were men.
“ONLY EVER DRIVEN TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS!!!” = Church was three counties and 367km away.
One Careful owner, the other five werent so fussy.
How about “Owned by a little old lady” That means 1 of 2 things. 1 she never drove it and nothing works anymore or 2 Her 16 yr old son raced it. My moms cars were like the latter. My brother modified and raced the snot out of them. The Metropolitian that mom owned had dual carbs and a bigger cam. When the a-frame collapsed and mom, my sister and I careened across 3 lanes of traffic, miraculously hitting nothing, dad traded it in. My brothers saw it in a used car dealership and had to look at it. During the test drive, the salesman thought that it only needed a tune up to smooth out the engine, but it ran great at higher speeds.
“Barn Find”
Found under a collapsed barn, that fell 40 years ago.
“A Classic”
My great-uncle’s ’78 Pinto wagon, orange plaid interior…
“Rare”
See above.
“ONE OWNER”
A messenger service…
“A/C needs recharge”
Hasn’t worked since Nixon Admin…
“THEY DON”T BUILD THESE ANYMORE!”
Thank goodness!
So many ads blaming a baby for having to sell the car! I always imagine a 300lb 6’6″ baby having a tantrum upon seeing the family car thus forcing it’s sale because the baby is in charge. Babies demand vast amounts of room because they are so enormous you see. And they require access to a tremendous amount of gear at all times.
Then there are the ones that say “growing family forces sale”- as if numbnuts is standing idly by, helpless to do anything as this growing family just “happens”.
If it’s a sedan, you have a point (though the copious amounts of stuff that you are seemingly required by law to carry around with a baby might be a challenge).
If it’s a 2-door? Baby forces sale makes perfect sense. Modern car seats and coupes do not mix. Though I’d like to think rather than playing the sympathy angle, just write an honest ad without any sob story bs.
To add a couple:
NON-SMOKER: The overpowering air freshener is covering up something other than smoke.
DRIVE IT ANYWHERE: Please drive it anywhere so it’s no longer here.
NEEDS NOTHING: Who *needs* working brakes, good tires, and functional lights? Not you, prospective buyer!
One that really makes me laugh is “no test pilots”. That could easily mean “I don’t want you to find out that the tranny is slipping under wide open throttle/ there are misfires/ compression problems/ etc”.
While I can understand that they don’t just want some guy (that has no intention of buying the car) to drive the CRAP out of their car, I mean, really…….if you’re selling a performance car and I can’t test the performance out, how do I know that the car still performs at a very good level? I have to take your word that a 25 year old performance car that you’re selling as being able to achieve the same factory rated performance? Especially if it’s a modified car, we have to see if everything you’ve done actually is something that works as it should, or whether it proves the old adage, “plug and pray”. Aftermarket components often rarely fit or work as intended, and there’s some massaging necessary to get them to all play nicely together.
Another is, “first _____ in cash takes it”, as if a certified cheque that you have to get after you get the loan approved, doesn’t matter. It’s like, “oh yeah, I was gonna show up with some gift cards in the amount of _____”. I’d be extremely wary if I had several thousand dollars in my wallet.
I’m always a little wary if someone is trying to sell it too fast, as if they’re trying to play the buyer off of the potential bidding war or the threat that the car won’t be there if they don’t act on it right away. More often than not, they’re probably trying to trick someone into buying it before they’ve done their research into some sort of fire sale. “Rare, won’t last”, “act fast”, etc. I’m not really sure that I completely believe a whole lot of the “must sell—need money” statements. Unless someone loses their job or really has a financial disaster, I think that the “must sell–need money” is incredibly overused in used car sales. We all want to sell something because we’ve determined that we’d rather have the money than the item.