My name is Buck. I’m a 1979 Buick LeSabre. Yes, I know, you are thinking this is stupid as cars cannot talk. Well, we can – didn’t you ever watch Knight Rider?
As the holiday season is rapidly approaching, I thought I would tell you about my last holiday experience. Here’s what lead up to it…
My current owners bought me in January. I had been bought new by an old couple named George and Gracie who kept me parked in the garage. Once per week they would start me up and take me to the grocery store. About once per year they would drive me just over two hours away to see George’s sister. How boring. I’m a car, I like to go. George and Gracie sold me to my current owners when I was 15 years old and, boy, have they been making full use of me.
My new owner, Jack, really likes having a Buick. He knows I’m one of the plain jane models made that year, one of 25,431 base model LeSabre sedans made. Jack says I look more full figured than 3,523 pounds and believes a Ford Taurus will weigh about 500 pounds more than me by the 2013 model year. Jack also says my being the third year of a design cycle should make me pretty free of major defects and very reliable. I sure try to be reliable.
One day Jack and his wife Diane started packing my trunk full of packages and suitcases. Jack had just changed my oil, checked the air in my tires, and replaced my wiper blades. Their papoose climbed in the back seat with a pile of books and games, announcing she was ready to go.
As Jack and Diane climbed in, I was happy to feel my 155 horsepower 350 cubic inch (5.7 liter) V8 come to life. It’s always invigorating when my engine is started, especially when I know I will be going for a really good run. I’ve made this trip a few times before.
Jack is really happy I was endowed with a 350; he told Diane he was so thankful I had been born with the neither the 3.8 liter or 4.1 liter V6, nor the 301 cubic inch (5.0 liter) V8. I’m also glad I’ve got a 350.
We immediately went over a large river on our way out of town. The roads were really busy. A few miles down the road, we turned onto the interstate to head west. Wow! The interstate was even busier. I wasn’t born with cruise control but I knew Jack wouldn’t have dared using it with all this traffic!
A few miles down the road, Jack commented on the highway patrolman sitting in the median. As soon as we went passed him, Jack yelled “hey, watch it!” and we hit the shoulder at full-speed. I’m so happy Jack has the reaction time of a leopard; he said some woman in a Volvo sedan almost hit us as she changed lanes without looking. That could have been really ugly!
The closer we got to Diane’s parent’s house, the more my owners started talking about what to expect.
Jack asked if Diane’s younger brother would be bringing his most recent girlfriend and if she, too, was toothless like the last few. He also wondered if she would have her teeth in; that seemed like a horrible thing to say.
Diane wondered how her aging parents would be doing prior to their arrival as she was worried about their overall physical condition. I can relate to the annoyances of aging. She also warned Jack that her eighty-seven year old grandmother would be there. Diane’s mother had warned her that Grandma has once again boycotted wearing underwear.
Jack again mentioned the girlfriend, wondering if she would have her teeth in. He said he had ascertained the reason for her brother’s attraction to, and fixation with, toothless women. Diane said to not be so uncouth.
I was really enjoying stretching my legs. The conversation inside sure was interesting. In my many conversations with other cars in parking lots, I find out nearly all people talk about really bizarre things when we are carting them down the road. When I was with George and Gracie, Gracie always talked about poor Marlena on Days of Our Lives or what dress Vanna had been wearing the night before on Wheel of Fortune. George always continued the Wheel of Fortune subject, wondering aloud if Pat had done Vanna; Gracie always told George to not be so uncouth. The endless babbling must be a human thing.
Soon after another near miss when a Harley soft-tail turned left in front of me, we turned off the main road. I am really enjoying the new brake pads and hoses Jack installed. He says he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to his beloved Buick – that’s me!
The drive to Diane’s parents house is a rough one from the main road. I had to go down a steep hill and through a creek. We then turned down a bumpy and muddy gravel lane that meandered forever through the woods. After a lot of bouncing that jarred every bolt and weld on me, we pulled into their driveway. Their papoose jumped out and slammed my right rear door really hard. Ouch! Don’t people know that hurts?
Before Jack and Diane got out, they looked at each other and smiled. Then they went into the house.
It was a nice sunny day. I didn’t mind being parked outside a bit.
A while later Jack came out with an older gentleman. I heard the older gentleman say, “watch out for Diane’s grandma…she is refusing to wear underwear again and she has on a skirt. I’m tired of seeing her old wrinkled ass. You got those presents? Here, I’ll close the trunk. I need a drink when we get back in; how about you?” He was so gentle closing my trunk.
After a while, a Ford van pulled up. All these kids kept getting out; I thought it was a school bus. Every one of those kids ran their dirty hands down the side of me as they walked by. I don’t appreciate that!
Shortly after, a ratty old Nova came down the driveway. This must have been the brother and his girlfriend, as she had no teeth – she could almost pull her bottom lip up to the bridge of her nose! She threw her cigarette underneath my back bumper – how rude!
It quickly occurred to me the Nova is my age. It’s scary to think I could look like that. It’s amazing how a little bit of care goes such a long way. The Nova told me a frame-shuddering story about being raced and other indignities which happened with her previous owner. I have been one lucky Buick!
I sat out all night. It started to rain after a while. I’m not used to that as I’ve always been in the garage. It really made me cold, but it did wash off some of the mud I gathered coming down the driveway.
Being out in the woods was really nice. I got to see all sorts of raccoons and opossums on the prowl that night. The next morning, one of the feral cats tried to attack a turkey that was in the yard. The turkey really clobbered that cat.
The next morning was cold. Jack was making periodic trips outside to load me up. He really likes the 21.2 cubic feet of storage in my trunk. After a while, Jack and Diane came out with her parents. They got inside with their papoose and Jack fired up my 350 cubic inch V8. That makes me feel good.
On the trip back, my owners were laughing and shaking their heads a lot.
Diane talked about how embarrassing it was having her grandmother talk to some guests about getting her arms and breasts twisted while putting on her bra and how she had to cut if off with a pair of kitchen scissors.
Jack said that was better than catching her dad sitting on the toilet with the bathroom door wide open – and then saying to come on in. Or Diane’s mom telling him she is mad about their not having had more children and how he and Diane should sneak upstairs to correct it.
Their papoose was dismayed that her grandmother had hot-glued all the ornaments to the Christmas tree and how she keeps it upstairs under a bed sheet the rest of the year.
Everybody questioned how someone could have used canning salt instead of sugar for both the pecan pie and the punch. Both Jack and Diane breathed a sigh of relief over not seeing Grandma’s posterior.
At least I didn’t encounter any bad drivers on the way back. Taking the backroads the day after the holiday certainly helps. I do so enjoy two-lane roads with lots of hills and curves. People talk about getting cardiovascular workouts; hills do that for me!
As Jack pulled me into the garage when we got back home, he said “this doesn’t sound good” right after he shut my engine off. He told Diane the doorbell was stuck on; I could hear the “ding-ding-ding”. They figured it had been going for nearly fifty-four hours. Diane said something about “the poor cats”; well, I’ve never found a cat I could feel sorry for. All they want to do is lie on my roof and scratch my paint.
But I still know Jack and Diane are happy with me. Jack, every once in a while when nobody is looking, will pat me on the front fender. He did tonight, telling me I’m one of the best decisions he has made all year. That felt really nice.
I hope to keep Jack and Diane happy for a long time to come.
Nice story. Are you supposed to be this “Jack” person?
I must compliment you on how insightful you are. That said, two elements of this are fictitious.
Hmmm. I remember a song about “Jack and Diane”….
I saw a story on VH-1 where John Mellencamp explained that the handclaps throughout “Jack & Diane” were actually markers, showing where the drumbeats would go. But the song ended up released with the handclaps instead.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h04CH9YZcpI
G’nite Gracie. G’nite George.
i was ok with a pink house. i started liking him by his cool car sounding studio name johnny cougar. mr. mellancamp i respect your pride.
I was guessing that from your former pen name of “Jack Lord”.
I know this has been discussed here before, but why exactly did GM make the rear track of the B wagons 4″ wider than the sedans?
If they were concerned about cargo capacity, why didn’t they give them extended wheelbases like they did with the old A body wagons like the Vista Cruiser?
By the way, the main car pictured here looks exactly like the police cars in the city I grew up in, even the same color. Always wondered why they switched from Chevys to Buicks.
It was to be able to get 4 x 8 sheet of plywood between the wheelwells.
That’s what I thought. Plenty of these were used by contractors, handymen, painters, etc instead of a pickup or van.
My favorite wagns were old, cosmetically poor, with a ladder strapped to the top, building materials in back, and possibly a whip antenna along the side.
God I need an old B-body from the 1977 to 1990 era.
I often wonder what life would have been like if GM had followed Ford’s path and kept refining the B-body for another decade.
There still are plenty of them out there if you know where to look, I had my 1980 Caprice out for a drive this Sunday and came across to other Caprice sedans that just happened to be on the road at the same time.
Carmine’s right. And there are still enough around that you can be picky and get just what you want for reasonable $$.
I’ve owned and enjoyed two B’s: ’89 Caprice Classic wagon originally with the Olds 307/TH200-4R. Swapped in a 350 TPI/TH700-R4 and got double the pleasure…car had 317,000 when I finally pulled the TPI and took a Sawzall to the rusted remains.
I just sold my ’91 Caprice wagon…305/TH700-R4, 165,000 miles, still sounded and ran solid. Wife wishes I hadn’t…but I reminded her when our ’68 Chevy C-10 is finished, it’ll ride nicely too with the right suspension and tires. That wagon was pretty awesome on a trip w/21-22 MPG to boot, at a steady 75MPH. I’d have kept it if not for the aforementioned ’68 and ’57 Handyman projects as I’ve mentioned in other threads.
Maybe wstarvingteacher and I should have a contest to see who gets their Handyman on the road first. Whaddya think?
Dan, just remember there are some drivetrains to avoid (or plan on swapping out if you so desire). The 267 V-8…early “metric” trannies…great thing is it’s SO easy to swap in a newer SBC with Turbo 350 or a post-’87 Turbo 700, my personal choice, it’s just as bulletproof. The TH200’s got good too but I don’t know what year they were upgraded.
Late 80’s TBI 350s were outstanding. Just a few vacuum hoses and the computer wiring. I think the ECM’s even interchange between the 305 and 350 as long as you swap to the correct chip.
At 3,523 pounds for a Four Door Sedan, this 1979 Buick LeSabre 4 Door Sedan was still much lighter than a “smaller” 1975 Chevrolet Nova Custom 4 Door Sedan which tips the scales at 3,613 pounds with a 350 cu. in V8 or even a 1974-77 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu 4 Door (which was only 9″ shorter than this LeSabre) at 3,850 pounds also equipped with the same cubic displacement V8 Engines. Even cars of today which can be as small as a Subcompact much like lets say the Toyota Prius weigh much heavier than a Mid or Full Sized Cars from the late 1970s to early 1980s because of the mandatory steel safety cages, larger tires and more powerful engines which cars from 35-40 years ago didn’t have and Subcompacts from those eras even weigh on the average more than 1,500 pounds lighter than today’s similar size models.
Cars today are immensely stronger and also have more equipment than the cars of thirty years ago. This is the reason they weigh more. Modern cars are much safer and this is a major reason fatalities have been declining steadily.
That said, cars have indeed become physically larger but the same can be said for the people buying them. The Boomers still drive the market and most of them are hardly models of physical fitness; bigger people need bigger cars and the car makers are providing them.
Even after couple of years, a LeSabre of this vintage would have rattles and squeaks, not to mention quakes over bumps. This would not be acceptable in a modern automobile.
If Buck is a ’79 Buick, he wouldn’t need to worry about having the 4.1L V6.
It also means that he doesn’t have to worry about me purchasing him.
I have a ’77 Electra 225 in the same color and interior trim, with the 350 V8. Although I am thinking of painting it that British racing green color so common in that era as I’m not a fan of the wax bean yellow.
I know the C-Body ’77-’84 Electra/Park Avenue is bigger than the B-body ’77-’85 Le Sabre but for some reason they seem closer in size than the corresponding Olds 98 and 88 of the time. An optical illusion. This Electra also seems smaller than the ’87 Brougham I used to drive, although the statistics indicate they’re about the same save the slightly bigger Cadillac wheelbase. Maybe the hood is shorter…the Electra seems more the size of the ’87 Crown Victoria that was my first car but is a good 10 inches shorter. I think it’s the sloping front end or something that is throwing me off.
In general I think Buick got the best designs on the B and C platforms. The Pontiacs and Oldsmobiles, while not bad cars, come off looking bulkier. Cadillac, of course, wanted their cars to look as big as they could — hence strange things like the tapered B-pillar on the 1977-79 Fleetwood Brougham, to give it some visual distinction from the ordinary Sedan deVille.
Could not agree more! The Buick takes the new for ’77 design but is the least boxy version of it, some very elegant sweeps and curves there. And they mostly kept that in the ’80-’84 version. They shouldn’t have gotten rid of the portholes though and I was glad they brought them back for those last, lamented Park Avenues early in the 2000s.
That said I still have a soft spot for the big ’77-’92 Cadillac, but to get the ideal version of that car my opinion is you’d need to combine the best of several model years—the 425 and that 3-speed transmission in the ’77-’79 but powering the more formal ’80-89 design to me would be the ideal C-body Brougham…no 200R4 transmissions, HT4100s, or 307s. I always felt the ’80 redesign was a tradeoff: better look, worse guts.
I always like these cars. The Buick 350 was definetly the best engine available for this car. However, the Pontiac 301 was adequate in the ’77 that I had considerable wheel time with back in the day.
If anybody read my CC of my 1978 LeSabre, it had the Buick 350 and Turbo 350 and 3.08 gears. It had loads, and I mean loads of torque. These things ran like locomotives up to like 70 mph when their relatively low horsepower and barn door aerodynamics got the best of them. Besides, these things still had the old steering box which was hardly that good when new.They degraded daily so 70 was good top speed.
At that speed it would climb any hill on cruise you could throw at it with the a/c blasting ice cold. I remember taking mine up the killer Coquihalla Highway in August, circa 1985. Traffic moved a lot slower up that hill in those days and there were often the remains of overheated (and thus screwed) European luxury brands littered all up the Great Bear Hill. My Buick roared up that hill at 100 km/h and it was as cold as meat locker inside the car.
That is what Buick cars were always good at.
Conversely, my Acura could blast up that hill at 100 mph and not even be breaking a sweat. How times have changed.
I have a copy of the same 1979 Buick brochure and I always found the monster in the front seat of the LeSabre Sport Coupe just creepy.
That’s all you find creepy in that pic? I’d hate to see what the
dungeonbasement looks like in that house!Well, I’m not sure what to make of the Ragedy Ann’s and Furries preparing their orgy on the left.
STOP THE BDSM REFERENCES RIGHT NOW @CARMINE! I MEAN IT!
“BDSM REFERENCES”
WTF?
Lighten up Francis.
A story to make me appreciate my own family gatherings. 🙂 But a cruise in that big Buick would about make up for it. If I ever own another B body, it will be one of this era with something bigger than a 307 in it.
Go for it. Having done both I can tell you, going from the Olds 307 “powering” my Fleetwood Brougham to the Buick 350 in the Electra has been night and day. No more groaning up hillsides and constantly downshifting from overdrive on moderate grades. Entering onto the highway without feeling as though you are about to be run down by oncoming traffic as you struggle to get the 307 up to speed is also a distinct pleasure. The 307 was smooth but I’ve never understood why they let it be so underpowered.
The 307 was underpowered even in the relatively lighter ’84 Olds Delta 88.
My parents had that one and a ’76 Chevelle with the 2 barrel 305. Both cars were virtually identical in terms of power (~145hp and 245 torque) but the ’76 could leave the ’84 in a drag race.
Nice story Jason. Happy holidays to you and your’s .
It’s funny you compare the weight to the current Taurus. When I bought myself a new car last year, I came down to choosing between the porky Taurus and chubby Maxima (@ 3540 lbs base weight). I went with the Maxima and am shocked that it’s weight is similar to The 82 Chevrolet Caprice Classic I learned to drive in. That was a full size car and my Maxima is mid size in my mind.
Despite my harsh opinion about the quality of GM products born out of family and work experience , I’d love one of these. As I creep into middle age and generally prefer driving long distances to flying, I am starting to desire something like this to knock out those 700 mile days. There’s really nothing like this Buick anymore.
Fun story. I hope someone can find a ’79 LeSabre Palm Beach to do a CC on. It was a special edition model, in this same color family, with a special interior with bleached blond fake wood slathered across the interior. I think they were two-tone yellow and white, (or was it yellow and gold?) and had Palm Beach badging. Coupe only. I think I saw one over 10 years ago in a junkyard, but they’re pretty rare now.
The Palm Beach was a really nice looking package. I’d call it yellow and white. Notice also the yellow impact strips on the bumpers. Inside, the seats and door trim used a light plaid-ish fabric. Brand new, the interior was delightfully bright in a way you don’t see on any car today. I think finding a Palm Beach in good condition today is a bit of a challenge because all those light colored interior materials tended to show dirt, fade and otherwise not stand up to time and sun exposure particularly well.
That’s it! Yeah, I think you’re right about it being hard to find, but hopefully some eccentric saved one back, along with its companion, the 1980 Somerset Regal (but that’s a story for another day!)
These were pretty rare, kinda Bill Mitchell influenced in his last days at GM influenced, see the pastell yellow and pastell blue Eldo convertibles he drove towards the end of his tenure as GM styling chief. They were LeSabre Limiteds, but they used the upscale door panels from a Electra, unique to the Palm Beach.
Also funny that GM had just used Palm Beach as a trim level on the GMC Motorhomes that had just gone out of production.
The last Palm Beach I saw was in a boneyard at Daytona Beach about 5 years ago. I snagged the weird bleachy looking woodgrain panels from the dash board to use on a future project. I’m not 100% for sure but I think there were 3 or 4 color combos available.
My favorite Buick B-Body from the 77-79 era would be the 75th anniversary Riviera. I bet everybody thought that the Riv was E-Body only. Not for 77-78.
My favorite Buick B-Body that I have owned would have been a 82 LeSabre wagon with a Superior hearse conversion.
My favorite Buick B-Body engine would be the Turbo Coupe only 3.8 turbo(the most torque and HP)
My favorite Buick B-Body option would be the 4 wheel disc brakes for 77-78.
I bought new a LeSabre Sport Coupe just like the one you show above. I won’t bore you with stories. I’m simply going to say that was the most enjoyable car I had ever owned only to have it fall to second place finally by the new Q45 I bought in 2006. What does that tell you about how damn good it was. And I owned a lot of cars between that Buick and the Infiniti.
having lived with a 79 caprice classic 2 door landau , this is a 4 door version of that,
stamped out as a buick . great car.
neighbors had a 66 in this color.
I liked this yarn. Exactly how you would expect a cranky old Buick to talk.
Another brilliantly crafted story Jason, subtle and clever as always!
Thank you NZ!
I thought you made a loud buzzing noise & not a “ding-ding-ding” since you are a ’79, Buck.
Nice story! The car sounds like a person, makes me want to go outside right now and give my Mustang a hug! … Wow, this ’79 LeSabre reminds me of the one my Dad had, but with a half white vinyl padded top (Brougham?) and spoked wire hubcaps. He bought it used in ’82 at Book Buick in E Rutherford, NJ after his green ’72 Ford LTD was stolen. That LeSabre you could turn the wheel lock to lock with your pinky! Talk about power steering!. Hated the gas pedal in it. If you pressed it lightly, nothing. Press it down a little more, and it would move too far, making the giant car jerk forward, there was no middle ground, took getting used to. The interior was a light green with seats that reminded me of courderoy! Dad passed in ’87 and Mom kept that car until the mid nineties until the transmission was going and it wasn’t worth fixing. I once borrowed that car when I was 20, took an exit ramp too fast, and went sideways, scary! Nice pics, thanks for the memories!
SILVER DIALS.
The look back upon the chromium-backed dials on the dashboard of a 78 Buick LeSabre is to weep for one’s lost youth.