Welcome To The New Curbside Classics: We All Need To Make A Buck Somehow

By
Paul Niedermeyer
– Posted on April 1, 2012

We tried; have we ever. But making a buck on the internet is a bitch. We’ve pounded the pavement to shoot every body worth shooting, and written up cars of all stripes and colors; but has any of you ever actually clicked a google ad here? Well, a handful, from the size of the checks that google has sent so far. That wouldn’t get you more than maybe a quick hand job in the alley from one of these ladies. But that’s all set to change, as we unveil our new format: Curbside Classics For Hire.

We need a business plan that’s going to generate some cold cash, so your intrepid CC writers are now combing the streets of their respective cities to find you the very finest “Curbside Classics”, and cutting exclusive deals that will mean big exposure for them on this site in exchange for discounts for our readers, as well as a cut of the action for us. Win-win-win all around.

And an additional discount is on tap if you drive up in a certified Curbside Classic. You see, we’ve found “workers” who are also enthusiastic car nuts. “Wow; is that a Muncie Rock Crusher in your Camaro with a Classic T-Handle shifter?” Wouldn’t you prefer to have an intelligent conversation about cars on the way to the nearest motel, instead of an awkward silence?

How will they know CC sent you? Secret hand signals; unless your car is so exotic only a CC client could be possibly be driving it.

Like a Triumph Spitfire, for instance. In fact, all vintage British cars automatically get an additional 5% off, but only if they can show a current AAA card or other towing plan. Our girls just go gaga over genuine wood.

One more benefit: no negotiations necessary; we’ve prearranged a fixed-price menu that includes the ten most requested acts of old car nuts, including this very popular “touch but don’t look” selection for $180 (higher in NYC, lower in certain backwaters).

We’ve also negotiated group discounts; anything from doubles to sextuples.

But if you’re going to try this with a GT6, the 5% British car discount is automatically rescinded. We have to draw the line somewhere, even with our thin girls.

Speaking of, Curbside Classics are available in a full range of body sizes, from sub-compacts to Hummers. And make sure you treat them with respect.

All the current popular colors are in stock,

We have guys as well as girls;

Although it pays to make sure in advance exactly which you’re getting. We make no guarantees. A spirit of adventure can be useful if you find yourself in uncharted territory.

When we say “Curbside Classic” we mean it; here’s an original 1959 model still on the street and hard at work. Regular servicing and modern fuel additives have dramatically extended useful life.

And don’t even ask about teenagers (or worse);  remember; it’s not a true classic unless it’s at least twenty years old.

For those of you vintage car drivers in cold climates, we have had to make one concession: no old VW Beetles, unless equipped with a gas-fired auxiliary heater. Our girls do need a little warming up before they’re operating at full speed.

But rain or shine, our Curbside Classics are always ready for a drive.

Of course, safety is always our top concern, especially at night. Note the bright reflective bands on her sleeves.

In certain higher speed-limit areas, our insurance carrier has mandated reflective tops. Makes stopping less likely to cause rear-ending.

Now that’s just our teaser to the new Curbside Classic. Starting Monday, we’ll be featuring at least one CC in full detail daily, with street location, working hours and all the insightful and colorful commentary you’ve come to expect. And we’ll augment with a few Capsules and other drugs of choice. Our reputation was built on the appreciation of fine bodies; nothing really new here.

No fear: we won’t be retiring the Deadly Sins either; in fact, they’re going to take on a while new meaning. As always, it will be your user comments that really make this site what it is. And your submissions (as well as other kinks) are still welcome. So get ready to be taken for the ride of your life.