It was a bright and sunny day, and I was going home. While on the way, I saw a few neat cars at a used-car lot, so I decided to check out some old ones. The salesman headed over to greet me. “Hi, I’m Gary Boldwater, owner of Honest Gary’s Used Car Emporium. Yes, my friend, this is a gen-u-ine 1984 Olds Cutlass Ciera Convertible by Hess & Eisenhardt, at the one-and-only official CC Michigan Chapter Used Car Lot” (cough, cough).
“Yessiree, this photo is definitive proof that this car was converted by Hess & Eisenhardt. If you squint, you can make out the Hess & Eisenhardt emblem on the dash, above the radio.”
If you love broughams and sporty cars, then this car is for you!
“It is equipped with both Ride-O-Matic Suspension, for a great mix of comfort & handling; the beloved Turbo-Hydramatic automatic transmission; E-Z-Steer Power Steering; fuel injection, for economy & performance; a digital clock; a radio with two-band equalizer; and the Slo-Fold power-folding soft convertible top. Heck, all it needs to be a true Brougham-vertible is Di-Noc wood paneling and GM’s famed Plastiwood wood-patterned vinyl on the dash and doors. Maybe even on the top. If you want a cheap convertible for the weekend, this is exactly what you want.”
“But wait–there’s more! Where you see what looks like rust & abuse, I see patina and love! If you have a son, this car would make a great father-son restoration project! Are ya interested yet? I can hook you up for a low, low payment of $50 a month for 30 months! I’ll even throw in a free glass-bottled Mountain Dew if you sign on the dotted line for this beauty!”
I politely interrupted him after his nonstop sales babbling and said, “I’m just looking, Gary. I’m window shopping, if you will.”
Although the used-car salesman was unable to sell me the car, I think somebody else might be suckered into it, as his mantra was a famous quote by P.T. Barnum: “There’s a sucker born every minute.” I wished him well on his journeys.
My dad bought one of these (why I’m not sure) for next to nothing from a friend after his son wrecked it. It’s been sitting behind his warehouse rotting away for the last 20 years. I always wondered how many were made.
Shouldn’t this one be sold by Mad Man Mooney?
Mad Man Mooney: Jack, get rid of this heap. Come out here!
Sweetums: What? What?
Mad Man Mooney: That’s my jack.
Kermit: Oh, hi Jack!
Sweetums: Jack not name! Jack job!
Mad Man Mooney: [whispering] How many times have I told you not to talk to the customers?
First things first, this car is a 1985 model.
Secondly, it’s seen better days, that’s for sure…
Richard, I was just using a guesstimate.
Oh it’s all good. FWIW, I did get a chuckle out of this story 🙂
I am not sure what the point of the story was – no need to make fun.
When I worked for as a DuPont paint rep they had a custom PPG Ciera Convertible done up for the show circuit. It was a complete custom job and very nice.
The original convertibles were also very nice and very professionally done but cost about $20K new.
nihil sanctum (est) 😛
Love the Latin quotes! Like “nihil novum hodie”. Cracks me up every time! And if I’m not mistaken, “tu madre es la gran puta” is a great compliment. But I could be wrong.
Emmm…that second one is not Latin, it’s Spanish. Neither is it a compliment; making that statement to a Hispanic is bound to get you (very) hurt. 😉
The second one means “your mother is a £!+€#” in Spanish.
The point of the story was to be a satire about used car salesmen
I wonder how much of a wet noodle that thing is going down the road. I hope it isn’t any worse the the K-car verts or you might as well put a full roll cage in it.
The H&E Lincoln unit bodies were pretty limber.
Wow an honest to goodness floor shifter in an A-body Olds. That was for sure not a common site whilst I was growing up and these cars were all over the highways. And it looks to be an 85 model with either the Tech IV or optional 3.8 liter PFI V6 seeing as it has fuel injection on the front fenders.
Knowing it’s an International Series, I think it would have the 3.8L V6
The International Series did not come out until 1988. The emblem on the fender with the flags, etc. was a standard feature on all Ciera at the time it does have the 3.8MFI as all the Princess Cieras were equipped that way.
If anyone is wondering what the brown car behind the Ciera is, it’s a 1976 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale.
The 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera convertible: (one that has seen better days)
…ditto…
With my very similar Cavalier already Available , I guess GM held back from ever offering it as a model right? I sure wanted the ones I saw over Time.
Much better!
…but then every Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera has seen better days.
These were kinda nice, there was a Buick Century version too, I remember our local Buick dealer having a grey on grey leather one in the showroom back when my grandmother bought her new LeSabre.
No credit? No problem! No Driver’s License? No problem! Too young to even GET a driver’s license? No problem! Honest Gary is ready to deal! I’m picturing a sweaty guy in a loud sport coat positively reeking of a decade or more of cigarette smoke. The interior of that once-proud convertible probably smells the same way.
Actually, I saw no cigarette butts & couldn’t smell Eau De Cigarette through the top, which means it might have been sitting out for long periods of time behind. It could be a true barn find.
Too young to have a driver’s license & still able to get a car?! Show me the contract, pen, & license plates!
The convertible pictured in the article is actually a very special model called a PRINCESS CIERA. Hess & Eisenhardt made 33 of those convertibles as festival cars for the 1985 IndySeries. They were used as parade cars, promotional vehicles, and pace cars for races other than the 500. Easy way to tell is that they were all 1985 models, all white, all had the console interior, and all had special Indy winged emblem below the name emblem on the fender (as you can see in the pictures) as well as the H&E applique on the dash. Regular production Ciera convertibles did not use the dash plaque. The Indy 500 Pace Car for 1985 was another Oldsmobile, a modified Calais convertible with a special 2.7 4 cylinder and modified suspension to meet the track requirements. A replica was sold to the public as a Calais 500 editon that was based off of a regular coupe with special paint, decals, and interior but featured standard drivetrain and suspension.
As stated above, in 1986, PPG commissioned a convertible to be made for the PPG Indy Car World Series a precursor sanctioning body to IRL and CRL.
It would not be particularly hard to freshen up that car, a new hood and trunk lid (which are common to most years of Ciera then) as long as the underbody wasn’t rusty. Not terribly valuable but if costs were kept down it is a car with an interesting story.
Knowing this information now, I’m thinking of talking to Gary again for more info. This seems very interesting.
The number of cars (33) and the name ‘Princess Ciera’ seem to indicate a connection to the Indianapolis 500 Festival and the 33 princesses. These young ladies serve as goodwill ambassadors for the race and perhaps these cars were assigned to each one for use at official functions?
It is also very common for the pace car to be a special (one of a kind version) and the princesses and official would have street versions of the pace car. Also the public can buy versions with normal power trains but special badging. I have already seen in early April a Camaro convertible (at my church) that had Indy 500 “official car” markings.
I’ve never seen or driven one of these, but generally speaking H&E did impeccable work. The late 70’s “Le Cabriolet” Coupe deVille convertible conversions are very nicely done, and H&E was also making high quality droptop Eldorados in the early 80’s before they became a cataloged GM offering.
I worked at the local Oldsmobile dealer when these cars were new. They ordered one convertible in the gold brown color with a tan top and interior. It sat on the lot for around a year before they finally sold it. I always thought it was a combination of the high price and the poor color choice that caused it to be such a tough sell. A nice bright color such as red would have made it more marketable.
A new top would be a problem-Not stocked by Robbins et al, would have to fabbed by a decent upholstery shop @ mucho dinero
There’s a pretty nice black one of these sitting at a crappy repair/tire shop about 10 miles from my house. I checked it out a few years ago and very much liked it. It has the carbureted 3.0 V6 though: a major turn-off.
I’d snap the feature car up in a heartbeat.
I saw a phone number on the building, but I don’t know if anyone owns the featured used car lot.
LMFAO!! Love the salesman spiel! I can’t speak to any virtues or detriments of this particular car, but I do remember seeing one in my hometown when it was much newer and thinking it was a pretty unique if unremarkable car.
I like the article just fine .
Having sold low end used cars for decades , the salesman’s patter sounds just right =8-)
-Nate
I own one of the 85 Indy 500 parade cars only 16K original miles. This is a picture of the Indy 500 parade from 1985. Car is fun to drive!
Ed,
I’ve purchased the 28K mile one that was recently on eBay and am looking to find out more information about it’s history. It’s a well-preserved time capsule. Do you have any pictures of yours you could share with me? It seems all the cars I’ve seen posted have slight differences on their stripes, and I’m trying to determine if they ever had “Pace Car” graphics on the doors. I’m also looking to find any other bits of info about the history of these cars beyond what’s been posted above. If you (or anyone else out there) have anything you can share please drop me a line at jimsmithbauer@yahoo.com. Here’s a picture of mine btw:
-Jim
Jim,
They did come with the door graphics installed. I am fortunate to have them still on the car. There is a set on ebay for sale that I beleive are the correct color- burgandy. I’ll send some pictures over as well.
Ed, I’d appreciate that. The one I see currently on eBay seems like the silver for the Calais, but if you have a link to burgundy please let me know at jimsmithbauer@yahoo.com. I’d love to find some to reinstall though. I’ve had no luck finding reproductions or finding a source to custom make them. The font type itself seems to be a mystery too otherwise I’d create a file myself.
Here’s an original 28k mile ’85 ‘Indy Princess’ Cutlass Ciera Brougham convertible that’s for sale on eBay Motors:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Oldsmobile-Cutlass-Brougham-Coupe-2-Door-1985-oldsmobile-cutlass-ciera-brougham-convertable-500-rare-/111202226814?forcerrptr=true&hash=item19e42b527e&item=111202226814&pt=US_Cars_Trucks
In case any of you are wondering the car from eBay that I bought is still running wonderfully. I’ve named her Emma. 🙂