I was walking across the Home Depot parking lot the other evening when I noticed something a little amiss out of the corner of my eye regarding the Olds Ciera parked up front. Once I turned my head completely, whoa! This called for a slight detour on your behalf, my faithful readers.
It’s very likely that the owner of this car had a little (or maybe not so little) mishap during one of the more recent snow events. Replacing the front end with new parts would be expensive, and looking for and scavenging used parts from a Pull-Your-Part wrecker would involve laying on the ground in the cold, which is only comfortable and desirable for our Canadian CC contributors. For us more civilized (and softer) folk down here, why not just fashion something from the goods on aisles 12, 22, and 31 at the local Home Depot instead?
The 2×6 bumper beam is probably just as solid as whatever was there before. The pieces of masonite siding as lighting backer plates I’m not too sure about holding up while careening down I-25 at 75-80mph but maybe it’s just a local driver; however the dual ratchet straps holding this assembly over the hood are likely solid enough. As a bonus they kind of look like dual black metal banana slug hood ornaments. Hopefully the Olds doesn’t burn oil, un- and re-strapping might be a little annoying, but judging by how many of these are still plying the roads of the American Midwest there don’t seem to be too many maintenance and longevity issues.
The wicked-looking 3″ screws are probably overkill but at least they aren’t pointed the other way. Perhaps a proper bolt and nut setup (hardware on aisle 5) would be an improvement. A couple of zip-ties (available on aisle 8) to tame the wiring would go a long way towards possibly making this a Mr. Goodwrench approved modification. Or perhaps just Homer approved. Extra style points should be awarded regarding how the owner managed to mount the whole thing using what appear to be the original bumper brackets.
I did walk around the back to be sure there wasn’t a matching rear setup, however it all appears stock, although this may be the first trailer hitch I’ve ever seen on a Ciera. In any case, this sight made my late night shopping trip a little less mundane, have any of you seen any “creative” repairs lately?
This is the most elaborate I’ve seen in a while, although I’m worried about his fan. It seems to be drooping a might much.
The only similar repairs I’ve seen lately was the railroad tie used for the rear bumper on a ’90s era Ford Escort. This Olds is infinitely better.
The bummer is that somewhere nearby the correct OE repair parts are probably wasting away and available for less cost/trouble than the improvised version.
I’m straining my ears a bit but I can still hear the faintest tones of banjo music.
That trope might have worked in the 60s or 70s, but banjo music nowadays correlates to hipsters, not country rednecks. Good luck finding someone playing banjo in this owner’s world.
You know, on second thought,you are right. I attribute this to plain old broke-ass indigent & indolent ner’do’wells. I guess the money spent for street-level oxy & meth procurement precluded buying a $50 replacement junkyard header panel. I know I would certainly give this a wide birth in a parking lot and an even wider one to the occupants I was able to associate to this POS!
How far things have fallen, it’s sad.
I actually saw the owner of this car after I took the photos, he looked basically as respectable as the rest of us and walked normally towards his car. He may well have been a Home Depot employee actually as he did not have a bag in his hand. I’m guessing the front fascia including bumper, grille, headlights and associated necessities for a Ciera are a lot more than $50 and you’ve still got to get to wherever one is and back again. That $1000 tax bonus is maybe still in transit for this guy.
I won’t get into meth and oxy addicts beyond that I rarely see those people at Home Depot, I doubt you do either. Most of the people I believe to be oxy addicts are picking up their kids at my kids elementary schools, never mind the pharma reps that live in the neighborhood pushing opiate-based pain med samples on the local doctors also in the ‘hood Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, some people have the handy skills (and necessity) to make something work on an at least temporary basis from what are basically castoffs.
I get this: Was the bag over his head?
Way to assume.
Oh I can’t wait for Daniel Stern’s reaction to this one. 🙂
Those straps look like a great headlight-aiming mechanism. And since these are so reliable there is never a reason to open the hood. It is a shame this isn’t a wagon, the opportunity for matching the woodgrain on the sides would be quite a treat.
I’m confident Daniel will have a better bulb available to improve light scatter. Perhaps something on aisle 4 with a candelabra base might be adjusted to fit. At least it looks easy to modify the aim on these with just a swift kick of the boot.
Yes, perhaps an LED floodlight bulb for low beams and an LED spotlight bulb for high?
Yes but be certain to steer clear of the blue-tinted Chanukah seasonal bulbs.
My doctor said “Mylanta”.
“The 1986 Cutlass Ciera: Now with new artisanal lighting system! Hand-woven vinyl top not included.”
One word: “Bespoke”
I get the whole “necessity is the mother of invention” thing. Trying go get my head around the one ???
I’m shocked that Law enforcement hasn’t yanked the plates .
“I’m shocked that Law enforcement hasn’t yanked the plates ”
This is America, where you are free and need to be somewhat brave to drive around like this but as long as you pass your emissions check you’re generally good to go. 🙂
I don’t think I’d be driving around like this myself but when you have TV shows like Roadkill driving down US Interstate 5 with flashlights duct taped to the hood because there are no working lights on the car this is how the populace learns what is appropriate. As long as these lights emit a feeble glow reminiscent of those on a stock Dodge Intrepid the rest of us can see him coming and step well aside.
And not everyone has emissions checks. Or safety inspections.
Mikey, this isn’t just America, it’s Wyoming.
Actually this was Fort Collins, Colorado. No Home Depot in Laramie…Still sort of Frontierland sometimes, though.
Aha. Here I am jumping to stereotyped conclusions again. 🙂
I’ve been to Wyoming several times. Not much of a jump for that conclusion really….. but hey if it’s keeping him mobile until he can fix or replace the car good on him
Jim, were you in Laramie in January, 1963 when the temperature reached 50 degrees below zero?
I asked Jim the same question yesterday and got the 403 message and, accordingly, I assumed, incorrectly, that it was not posted. I now realize it was and thank Jim for his response.
A few years ago there was a circa 2005 Corolla with front end damage and the owner had jerry-rigged a pair of circa 1995 Ford F-150 headlight assemblies onto the front end. I wish I could have gotten a photo.
We sold our ’90 Honda Civic 3-door hatch to my brother with about 160K miles on it. A year or two later, he rear-ended an Expedition. The local U-Pull-It yielded a radiator, but Mike said they wanted something like $60-80 each for the headlights. He pulled a set off a Chevy S-10 for $10/each instead.
We used a come-a-long and a large pine tree to pull the sheet metal back where it was supposed to be, and I had my boys (then ages 6 and 8) jump on the hood to flatten it back out. Some judicious whacking with a mallet got the hood aligned well enough that it properly latched again, and the S-10 headlights fit the original holes well enough.
A few moments with a paintbrush topped the repair off in high style!
Collision repair is so simple, even a child can do it. 🙂
Peak Honda Civic right there. And in red with the base steelies? Swoon. I think it may actually even look better with those lights than the stock ones. Double rounds might be yet another step up the charts.
One of my favorite cars I’ve ever owned. Base model 1.5l, 4sp. I added a sway bar and the slightly wider wheels from a DX. With a cherry bomb muffler (I was younger then!), it sounded like an Indy car winding out. Very tossable.
Too well to say you “Haggard Garage’d it.” I betcha there’s some other Civic out there with a similar headlight conversion.
Outstanding.
Years ago my brothers 1970 Pontiac LeMans suffered some front end damage. The front splash pan under the bumper got ruined and the turn signals were mounted in the splash pan. He mounted yellow bulbs inside of ricotta cheese containers that were suspended from the bumper and glued clear plates over them. Someone would always ask “How do you change the bulbs if every thing is sealed up like that?”. He’d tell them that he was quite sure that the bulbs would outlast the car.
Holy crap, if I saw that car coming down the street, I’d steer clear of it by at least two or three car lengths. Looks like something John Candy would drive in one of those Hughes’ films!
Sad, and how is this even legal? These cars weren’t bad looking when new.
How would it not be legal? It has brakes and lights so what’s the problem?
A danger of homemade parts falling off at higher speeds – wouldn’t that make it suspect?
I get your drift but these particular parts seem to be held on better than the uncovered gravel loads on trucks, flapping and damaged factory bumper skins on various cars, dragging factory mufflers, passengers holding suitcases of beer while on the back of a motorcycle and various other potentially imminent hazards to following traffic that are regular and practically daily sights on the roads without any sort of apparent enforcement action by those sworn to “protect and serve” the rest of us.
I’m not advocating that this is a desirable state of affairs and fully understand the costs and social ramifications of something like Germany’s TuV which you can’t really have without offering alternatives such as realistic public transit and living wages, but I won’t be at all surprised to see this car again in the future.
All the lights, lumber, and straps appear to be store bought. I’d wager this guy is safer than most given the amount of effort he put into this.
The bigger dangers in life are generally those one cannot readily see. More wrecks happen due to people texting while driving, having a bunch of pain meds in the system, etc. than having some lumber on the front of their car.
Yup, thats my kinda repair job. At a Police Impound Auction 10 years ago there was a 77 F150 with a front bumper like that with chicken lights on top of the cab, like a semi, and a bed full of junk. My wife wanted that truck sooo bad! Her, not me! She still mentions it every so often whenever we see something like it on the road. I’ve certainly driven worse.
There’s this guy in Poland who wanted to drive his Ciera so badly, but General Motors never offered the export taillights for the Ciera. So what this guy gotta creative to get it legitimate for Polish roads…
That’s impressive work (I mean besides someone wanting to drive a Ciera that badly). Looking at the small picture before blowing it up, the rear fascia has a bit of an Alfa Romeo vibe. (That vibe goes away in a hurry once blown up though).
Backing-up lamps not required in Poland?
Looks like a K-car from behind with those lights
Curious to know why the engine cooling fan is dangling in front of (what I assume is) the radiator? I suppose it fits right in with the rest of the front end repairs.
It kinda reminds me of the Nissanaro, although at least this guy used car sheet metal (as opposed to lumber) for his repair.
It’s still winter here, he won’t need to visit aisle 17 for a new fan unit until at least the end of April.
Not as creative, but a fellow pilot at my local airport bought at salvage almost new Frontier with front end damage for next to nothing. Lumber was used in the repair the front end. His airplane is the priority, so road vehicles tend to be salvage.
So THAT is what my Cutlass Ciera would look like with a Home Depot concocted light set up. Never had thought about it, but now I know.
I wish I had a picture…..
There was a 1977 or so AMC Matador sedan on my college campus that had a front clip made entirely of the sort of galvanized metal used for ductwork. The clip was a very functional and perfectly square box, the bumper may have been lumber. The rest of the car was in quite good shape – sort of a burnt orange color if memory serves.
Of course, if you recall the late Matador sedans and their homely faces, I suppose you can’t rule out a sort of “car with the iron mask” thing was going on.
Too ugly to drive?
Couple things: my dad’s 84 Ciera had a tow hitch on it, we pulled a pop-up camper all over the Midwest with it. It did have the Diesel engine, too
https://www.dieselworldmag.com/features/diesel-history-retrospective-the-lt7-front-drive-v-6-oldsmobiles-other-diesel/
A friend had a Chevy Celebrity with the iron duke 4, that thing was slow, noisy and gutless by comparison (ours was noisy, sure, but it got 40mpg no problem)
Getting front end parts from the junkyard isn’t as cheap as in years past, at least here (Midwest anyway) Recently I hit a deer with my Mazda 5, I needed the “nose” and the hood (I straightened out the radiator mount myself) I did find used parts semi-locally, but they wanted only slightly less for them, than just buying new panels from the Mazda dealer (like $50 less for each piece, and the used ones weren’t in good shape) So this “field grade” repair is probably just good enough to get their winter car through until spring. Or something.
Ghastly – and, yet, I cannot look away!
Those hood straps remind me of suspenders.
(Something happened where I couldn’t edit my above comment…). This looks like something from the “Red Green Show”.
Everything would be held together with duct tape if Red was involved.
“I’m a man, but I can change, If I have to, I guess.” Loved me some Red Green back in the day.
Here in Indiana there is no annual safety or emissions testing for any vehicle. Cars are supposed to have basic safety equipment but as far as I know no agency really checks. It is fairly common here to see vehicles with replacement bumpers made out of a 2X10 plank, or whatever. The subject Ciera might not even draw a second glance around here.
Maybe it’s trying to be a ‘56 Pontiac!
Years ago, I had a 1993 Ford Tempo 4 door, that I got rear ended, the other guy had no insurance, or money, for that matter, so I got a rear clip off a Topaz, same color, and slapped it on the Tempo. I called it the “Tempaz”.
At least that Burnt Umber paint held up. Probably thanks to the True-Coat………
You guys are so lucky in the States!
Here in Ontario there would be cops sitting at the end of your driveway just waiting for that nose to hit public property so they could snag the plates and send it for a Ministry safety inspection ( the auto equivalent of the kiss of death!)
“Ministry safety inspection?” Just the name sounds like something out of 1984. “Hello, Mr. Smith! Interesting modifications to your car. We’d like you to report to the Ministry of Safety and Driving Fun for…discussions.”
In the USA, most cops have better things to do then to bother worrying about a car with wood on it.
In most states, this meets the criteria for street legal. It does have 2 actual headlights (sealed beam) and two turn signal indicators that can be seen in the front of the vehicle and it does have a bumper of sorts.
What specifically in the Ontario Vehicle Code prohibits the parts shown?
Next stop:
Sky Hill at Dave’s Farm.
I suspect that this might be a winter beater car or a work in progress. where I live this generation of Cutlass has long departed the local junk yards so if it is a work in progress then I assume the owner is trying to find parts for it.
I am going to guess it is a winter beater car that is being driven to protect the good car from winter ravages. In my parts is usually a rusty as crap Honda or Toyota but in Colorado it might be cars with boards.
The proper name here is The Ministry of Transportation for Ontario (MTO). For a car to be legally on the road is has to be inspected by a licensed mechanic and issued a “safety certificate”
For a lot of years it was not strictly enforced and if one knew the right person one could buy a certificate for the right price.
However, the last few years the Ministry has put some real teeth into it. Around my end of the province nowadays mechanics are very very sticky on what passes inspection.
I’m sure DougD, Vince and some other guys around the province could comment from their areas but here in Peterborough its resulted in what I think were some still decent cars wrecked before their time because it just wasn’t financially sensible to bring the car up to the MTO standards.
So yes, the Ministry of Transportation is definitely Big Brother in action here in 2018 Ontario!
Keep in mind that the stringent testing that Bill describes is done at ownership transfer. We don’t have mandatory annual safe checks yet…Key word “yet”
That being said the Cops can your pull your plates at their discretion, and order you in for a more extensive test. Right, the cops would pull the plates on that Ciera at first sighting.
As Bill mentioned the safety slip holds huge value. A vehicle worth $6000 ? with a safety, would be worth scrap metal price without one.
I drove an ’83 Ciera for a couple of years. It had been my MIL’s car but was in Montreal for most of its previous 10 years of life. Those who know about this will understand how much rust I had to deal with. I replaced about 4 square feet of the floor on the driver’s side footwell and most of the left rear quarter panel was fibreglass and rattlecan painted. But it didn’t have any creative modifications like this. Red Green would be proud. The only thing I miss about that car was the fact that I didn’t need to check my blind spot when changing lanes. An opening would magically open up. I actually got more than scrap value for the car when I sold it to a mechanic who wanted the transmission.
I guess this car wasn’t due for inspection any time soon – would it pass with this set up once everything was functional?