I looked at this Taurus in my neighborhood on the day of this writing and thought immediately of myself from about twenty years ago. Right off the bat, I’d like to level-set by pointing out that while I think this roof treatment is hideous and probably was from day one, the current owner of the car wasn’t responsible for it. By this stage of this Taurus’s ownership, it serves simply as a device to get from point A to point B. The presence of a faux convertible top on this car should in no way be considered a reflection on its owner.
A transportation car is just that, and while I never had to own one myself, there was a point in time when I was between jobs when I was seriously considering the purchase of one of several unglamorous conveyances to get me to and from a few job prospects in the Chicago suburbs. I’m thankful for the job I ultimately accepted over a decade ago, and also for my continued ability to rely on public transit.
Rewinding to the late ’90s, when my insurance career was in its infancy, I had started to lose my hair. I have written about this in an essay that originally ran in March of 2021, and I’m sure at least a few other times. This is why I’m not going to go too deep with this today, but the metaphor bears repeating, as it’s an increasingly rare occurrence to come across a “Taurus Landau” in any setting that’s not a junkyard.
When I had started to notice that my hair wasn’t quite as thick up top as it was on the sides, I had chalked this up to temporary results of all of the ways I had tortured my hair while “expressing myself” (in ’90s parlance) in my more colorful nightclubbing days of my early adulthood. I had once been a pro at bleaching my hair and either leaving my closely cropped Caesar cut and sideburns an unnatural shade of brassy blond, or using Manic Panic temporary hair dye and coloring it Pillarbox Red using a toothbrush. (I still love and listen to many forms of techno, by the way.)
There were experiments conducted with Duke’s hair pomade and attempts to get some waves going. Combing it forward, backward, parted on the side… I did it everything to my thickly-textured hair but straighten it. I was barely in my mid-20s when I started to notice a lot more hair caught in my brush following my updated, toned-down, corporate-world hair grooming routine. I looked at pictures of both my dad and my maternal grandfather to see what their respective hairline situations were. My dad’s hair, while thinner up top than in his youth, was mostly accounted for, but my grandpa was rocking a straight-up Homer Simpson, and I didn’t need to look at his picture to realize this. D’oh! And my friends, not helping, would point out that male pattern baldness comes from one’s mother’s side of the family (which I still think is up for debate).
Anyway, I soon learned to get very creative with (wait for it…) eyeliner, which I then used to draw lines on my scalp to try to preserve the illusion of the darkness up top that normally comes with a full head of hair. I recently came across a photo of myself from this era, which I have not included in this essay despite having shared much more personal information with CC readers. I could look at that picture for only so many seconds before moving on with my day and needing a visual palate cleanser. I began shaving my head consistently right around the turn of the millennium, and it’s a look that has worked well for me ever since.
Looking again at the roof treatment of this Taurus, with the faint traces of the words “Special Edition”, or something like it, in gold letters where the little rear quarter windows are still undoubtedly hiding beneath the fabric, it struck me just how inorganic this cloth top looked in conjunction with the basic lines of this car. Was any casual onlooker with zero interest in cars inclined to believe this was a Taurus convertible? (Was anybody fooled by the thick, squiggly lines of Maybelline that were hastily drawn on my greasy scalp?) I suppose that it could be worse, and that instead of a 2004 Taurus, the cloth top could have been applied to the oval-themed 1996 – ’99 model. I’m probably in the minority that doesn’t think the ’96 Taurus was a complete stylistic disaster. A cloth toupee like on our featured car simply looks less bad on the more anodyne 2000 – ’07 styling refresh.
I realize that shaving one’s head isn’t an option for everybody, and I know I’ve used this exact line before in a different essay, though I can’t recall which one. I’ve been shaving my own head for decades now. I’ll wrap with the following based on my own experience: to other guys who might be considering increasingly elaborate means of preserving the illusion of a full head of hair, whether that’s shaking an entire canister of Toppik hair fibers on your head in the morning (true story: I’ve seen an example of what looked like this on my morning Red Line train), a comb-over, or anything else short of legitimate hair transplants, I implore you to think of this Taurus and go back to the drawing board as needed.
Edgewater, Chicago, Illinois.
Monday, November 21, 2022.
If that’s the original top, it’s in remarkably good shape!
A few thoughts:
1. One of my favorite things is when I see a car with this top AND a moonroof. So much for that convertible look.
2. I too show signs of male pattern baldness, although it is currently limiting itself to “widow’s peaks” and a slightly thin spot toward the back. It could go either way in my family, but I hope I don’t have to shave it clean. My head is like the surface of the moon; it’s just not going to be a look for me. You’re lucky that you can pull that off, Joe. 🙂
3. Enjoy these Taurus sightings while you can, everyone. They’re disappearing from the roads rapidly!
Aaron, on No. 1, there are all kinds of weird automotive juxtapositions like this, I imagine! It would be fun to compile a list of two “tastes that (don’t) taste great together”. And great observation on these Tauruses (I still like to call them “Tauri” pl.) slowly disappearing. Competent, but not particularly loved. Not like the first generation, anyway.
I remember seeing Cadillac dealers doing this to 1992 Sevilles and thinking that Cadillac wasn’t ever going to be accepted by the customers that GM wanted. Seeing a late model Escalade on wheels that looked about two feet wide with low profile tires and a ‘Carolina Squat’ yesterday suggests that there might not have been much point to chasing people with taste.
I love this! For a time I was collecting shots of cars with the faux convertible top treatment – when you look for them, they are out there – and some of them are on cars that you might not expect. Like this one. I liked the look when it came out on the square-rigged cars of the early 80s, mainly because they kind of looked like a convertible. But that look stopped working on cars a long time ago.
It also occurred to me that this is almost a reverse CC effect – my COAL from a couple of days ago was a big, square Olds 98 coupe with the Joe Dennis-style shaved dome, and here we have its opposite, the aerodynamic Taurus with a bad toupee that it was never meant to wear. The Olds might have looked good (to some at least) with this kind of roof while the Taurus is definitely better without.
I have been fortunate in my draw from the gene pool in terms of the hair situation. But there are days when I would appreciate the near-zero maintenance that you get to experience.
“there are days when I would appreciate the near-zero maintenance that you get to experience.”
So true, but that door seems double-hinged at times. Last week I was having my typical morning catch-up talk with a coworker. I casually mentioned needing a haircut as mine seemed long enough for creation of a few pony tails. He looked at me, lifted his cap, and laughingly said “Jason, I have no f—ing sympathy for you.” Like Joe, he is also a skull shaver – and I full well knew it.
It’s often easy to forget a person is bald (or any other descriptor). You just see them, not the hair, beard, scar, etc.
One thing about 98s and vinyl tops that look like they belong: they really do quiet the car. The last car we had that was so equipped was an ’82 98, with a vinyl top that was deeply padded. Rainstorms and car washes had like 10 dB taken off the top, and sometimes that was nice.
This is exactly the kind of astute observation of something I hadn’t considered before that makes me appreciate the reader comments. Roof treatments as sound deadener – makes total sense.
JP, I had read your comment before I left the house to commute downtown… and call it another instance of the reverse CC effect, but on my walk to the train, I saw a *Ford Fusion* (first generation) on my block with the landau on it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that combination before.
There are vinyl tops then there are ones such as this. Wow.
The mother’s father baldness thing isn’t a constant but undoubtedly can be a factor. My maternal grandfather departed in 2020; he went bald at 19. I turned 50 recently and have maintained my hair quite well, even having escaped going gray so far.
However, baldness can also go the other way where hair starts to emerge in the ears and other unnatural places with the onset of age. Perhaps that is reflected in cars by the growth of aftermarket chrome air vents, hood ornaments, and such.
As for the subject Taurus, you have to respect any car that has spent nearly two decades in the wilds of Chicago. Toupee or not, that reflects a distinct ruggedness.
Hahaha… likening the extra, tacked-on chrome accessories to additional ear-hair, etc. – hilarious, and also something I identify with. If I didn’t shave that patch of hair between my eyebrows, I would look like Bert from Sesame Street.
While a dealership anywhere in the country can arrange to have these vinyl top monstrosities created, seems like the state with the highest percentage would easily be Florida. For a large enough amount, I have no doubt a Florida dealership can arrange to have a vinyl top put on, quite literally, anything they sell.
While I have yet to see one, I would imagine that includes SUVs and full-size, crew-cab pickup trucks, too. Tastelessness abounds down there.
I initially thought the lead-off image was a ’98-’02 Continental.
Bulbous styling with blob-like taillights? Check.
Blah, monochromatic paint colour? Check.
Tasteless dealer-installed roof embellishments that wouldn’t appeal to anyone under the age of 65? Check.
But no, it was the lower-rent version of the same essential car.
In direct profile, and if I squint, I do see certain similarities between this Taurus and the concurrent Continental. From any other angle, though, I think the resemblance is debatable. If most people perceive more similarities between the two cars, I’m sure that’s still less depressing than the Town Car-amino posted yesterday as a CC Outtake.
I have never seen a ” lowly ” Taurus with a vinyl roof, but across the street from a church I often visit is a tower of retirement apartments. One of the residents has a concurrent model Sable with this faux convertible roof treatment, though not nearly in as nice a shape.
Howard, you’ve got me thinking… Does (or, would) a roof treatment look better on the Taurus or Sable of this generation? Having spent time in southern Florida, maybe I’m more used to seeing roof treatments like this on Mercury equivalents, so that’s probably why I think the Merc would wear it better to some extent, or would look slightly less awkward to my eyes than this Ford.
Well, it is unique. With its aftermarket wheels and the faux convertible top, it’s safe to say there isn’t a Taurus like this anywhere else. And I guess that’s the effect that whatever owner who had these accessories installed was striving for.
In fact, just looking at this the rear segment of the car (below), I’d be hard pressed to actually identify it as a Taurus.
Way to accentuate the positive – I feel that, Eric! Respect to you.
Another great post thank you.
Having owned 5 cars with folding vinyl roofs; MG Midget, Mazda MX5 and 3 twin cylinder Citroens; I’ve never seen the appeal of faux convertible vinyl roof. All the difficulties of keeping the textured surface clean without the wind in your hair, or in my case bald head.
I’ve had a shaved chrome dome for at least 30 years, my brother, less than 2 years younger than me still has a full head of hair. Life isn’t fair.
Thanks, Hummel! Both of my brothers of which I’m in the middle have substantially more hair than what I’ve got going on, though there are clearly follicular challenges embedded into our shared DNA.
I’ve often wondered about what kind of treatment to put on roofs like this, though I’m sure there are specially formulated products. I’d be afraid to put Armor All on a vinyl (not cloth) roof, only because Armor All can’t be great for a car’s paint finish if it rains and the product is left to dry on the surface.
Thanks for an entertaining post, which I can relate to being bald from an early age. In this last month I’ve started going to the barber as I’ve decided to grow my beard out and I can’t do it properly myself. What a luxury! Not going back to doing it myself. I did the math, I’ve been cutting my own hair on a number 1 for around 20 years but for me its been a bit of a fraught affair. I’m always imagining Eva Longoria [straight out of a Desperate Housewives episode] coming up to me and saying ”You missed a spot..”
Thank you! And I think there are certain things we “earn” by some point in our lives. No one would or should deny you regular barber visits to get your beard taken care of!
Those vinyl faux convertible tops are atrocities on most any car and represent nothing more than dealer greed and either utter defeat or blindness on the part of the buyer.
A shaved head, on the other hand, is an elegant solution to balding that projects confidence and good taste. I myself still have a full head of hair at age 60, but there are times when I envy the lower maintenance of a closely shaved scalp. Still, I have never liked wearing hats, caps, or toques, so I would be the one with a sunburned scalp.
This poor Taurus was not a bad looking car, but that top suggests a combover, botched hair replacement surgery, or some other unsuccessful effort to hide the obvious. Unlike the author, after 20 years, it’s still living in misery, unable to overcome a youthful indiscretion and come to terms with its follicular challenge.
You know, what’s interesting is that when you brought up dealer greed, it suddenly brings more clearly into focus for me why sometimes aftermarket roof treatments that don’t necessarily improve the looks of the car (to my liking, anyway) leave a little bit of a bad taste in my mouth. Let’s make a debatable change to the car, and charge a customer more for it than it cost for parts and installation, and try to sell them on the idea that this fake convertible top looks real and will add prestige to their driving and ownership experience.
I’m not anti-landau, or anything, and I’ve seen some aftermarket examples that look good. But for a salesperson to upcharge on a *Ford Taurus*… I don’t know how I feel about that.
Baldness eh? When I see your byline I never know where the essay will take us. 🙂
I started losing my hair in my twenties. I was…. sad but not bothered, you could say. I was past my long hair stage by then (thick shoulder-length wavy hair that my mom said girls would kill for!) in favour of a no-think army-spec ‘short back and sides’, and figured I couldn’t see it myself so why bother?
My ‘second mother’ (aka closest aunt) freaked out and paid for me to go to one of those places that claim to stop/delay hair loss. The effect was debatable, but they sure did a lot for money loss – in their favour! I had trouble enough shaving in my late schooldays, and have had a beard ever since. Shaving my head would never have occurred to me back then. Having two 1850s-1890s photo albums full of ancestors, I kind of like the hairy bearded look myself .
That car though…. While I like the effect of covering the C-pillar window, the application of a vinyl or fabric top on a car this late is all kinds of wrong. And the strip at the base of the roof ‘treatment’ looks quite crude. I guess those things on the strip are supposed to look like top snaps, but to my eyes they look like pop rivets. I have to wonder at the mindset of the person who thought this was worth paying (a lot of) extra money for.
There is a place for fake hair, on people undergoing treatment for cancer. I know a few sufferers, and really feel for them. Otherwise I figure it’s an affectation.
There may be a place for a fake convertible roof, but to my eyes it belongs firmly in the late seventies. And not on any car of mine.
This was entertaining – thank you. It’s too bad “Locks Of Love” or another hair donation charity wasn’t around back then, as I’m sure they could have used your hair when you got it cut! And, “pop rivets”… ouch…. I can’t unsee that.
I’m flabbergasted. Man, how I loved the ’90s!!
I wouldn’t put all the blame on the dealer. I’ll bet some, white haired, white belted, white shoed, middle aged to senior guy showed up at the dealer and asked the salesperson if they had any cars with vinyl tops. The salesperson answered in the negative, and the buyer asked, “Do you know where I can find one?”
Give the People what they want!
Great point. It is absolutely true that car salespersons are working for commission, and we all need to eat and a place to sleep.
Wonderful analogy Joseph. Just like with the variety of hair replacement technologies, one has to wonder just how much this faux-convertible treatment cost the owner of the Taurus. I can’t imagine that doing this to his car was inexpensive; and yet it’s so entirely fake-looking and not fooling anyone.
Just how wedded to the concept of “convertible” does one have to be in order to want to make something this fake?
I can only wonder what else that money for the cloth top might have been spent on. It does have nice, aftermarket wheels. Maybe a buyer protection plan or extended warranty? A subscription to AAA?
But also, to Jose’s point above and Nate’s point below, someone legit liked this, and I’m actually nobody to tell someone their opinion is “wrong”. LOL
But, yeah – I feel what you’re saying and also still stand by the premise of my opinion-piece essay. The top is not convincing… at all.
Pops lots his hair at 19 YO, I’m lucky in that I got Mom’s healthy hair .
The color left a while back but I’m not balding. _yet_ .
I don’t like these tops but if someone does, who are we to say no ? .
Many don’t like my choice if vehicles, joke ’em if they can’t take a screw .
-Nate
I like your style, Nate.