I just don’t have enough going on in my life these days, so I’ve been on the prowl for a new project to keep me from getting bored. I made a run at an apartment complex a couple of months ago, to be called Curbside Classic Manor, but it fell through. My plans to require tenants to all drive Curbside Classics just wouldn’t fly, especially once the tenants got wind of the plans. But then I heard that Jerry’s Hot Rod Grill out in Florence at the coast went out of business, so I’ve taken the plunge. The restaurant business is a license to print money, right? Now I just need to do a bit of remodeling….
You can see the problem…cars from the fifties are soooo yesterday. And a pink ’60 Cadillac, no less. No, the general idea is good, but the cars need to change.
Well, this ’53 Chevy might get a reprieve. It’s not really in the same league as the rest of them, and it is my birth year. But if I could find a ’53 Tatra T-600, then it’s outa’ here.
The tri-five Chevies have had their day; they’re obviously not drawing a crowd anymore. Time to head to the scrapyard and cut off the noses of some real Curbside Classics: an early Toyota van, a Plymouth Volare, a Dodge Colt, and a Canadian ’77 Chevy Bel Air come to mind. But I’m open to suggestions…
One of those Chebbies can stay; which will it be? The ’61, I’d say; but it’ll have to be re-trimmed as a Biscayne with dog dishes, and some acid thrown on that shiny paint. And a VW Samba, next to it. A Peugeot 404, for sure. And how about a Triumph Vitesse, to round out the front row?
Nice, but it still can’t hold a candle to a ’50 Studebaker front end.
Needs to be a Corvair crashing through here; upside down, at that. And rather than crashing out, let’s have it be crashing in. More realistic.
And a brown Datsun 810 would be the right thing to replace the Caddy. This is Oregon, and the 21st Century, after all. Or maybe a an old Toyota pickup…
This is too old school too.
I’m seeing lots of VW buses with their tops cut off, and their seats turned to face each other to make booths. With all-natural hemp upholstery, of course. The menu? Vegan and gluten free is hot with one crowd here, but then I’m going to have to put up every generation of Prius and Bio-diesel Mercedes on the roof. Grass-fed beef burgers, sweet-potato fries and micro-brews is the way to go; we’ll brew up our own too: “30-Weight Porter”, “Diesel Delight” “Radiator Red”, “Tercel Terror”.
By the time you read this, we’ll be open. So here’s another reason to take that trip out to Ory-gun that you’ve found so many excuses for postponing, indefinitely.
And I’ve found another building just down the highway, for Tom to take over. It’ll be “Tom’s Brougham Burgers”, featuring Iowa-style chicken-fried steak and tenderloin. I’m not sure how well that’ll go over out here, but with a line up of pouffy-top broughams up on the roof, and the booths covered in finest mid-70s Cadillac fabrics (he’s hiring Carmine as his interior decorator), how can it not be a huge success? The hot rod era is dead, the Curbside Classic Century has arrived.
Can you have the cooking grill installed in the rear of a Ford Pinto?
Mini-Grille:
Once again, Paul’s perverted sense of humor on display. Replace ’50s and ’60s Americana with Triumph Vitesses and brown Datsuns? I would personally drive out to Oregon to blow the place up if that were done. But if there were deep fried Twinkies to be had I might reconsider.
Grass fed beef, free range chicken, and whole milk is the only way to go. For variety, and to attract those finicky folks from flyover country, steak fingers wrapped in bacon, dipped in batter, and deep fried will be your biggest seller.
Deep fried red velvet cake was a big hit at the Rodeo here in Houston. Vastly superior to deep fried Twinkies. Maybe it belongs on the menu too!
How about us veggies?
Okay… to attract the vegetarian clientele, you would need to replace the ’49 Ford with a Prius, or maybe I could donate a surplus bicycle. The trick would be to find a Prius that isn’t still on the road. If you change your mind and decide to stick with the vintage decor, an old Citroen would be appropriate.
Personally, I find Tom’s Brougham Burgers pretty intriguing. You could use a little calendar to keep a running tab of your customers; so many days since a customer’s heart attack. Maybe a subtle Elvis theme? Customers over the age of 42 eat at half price on Sundays?
And donk-hating customers under 30 get a free meal for immersion in proper brougham culture. Right?
I can see why Jerry’s Hot Rod Grille failed – when he put the 1953 license plate on the 54 Chevy, he blew his cred and everyone stayed away. If he gets the cars wrong, how can the fries possibly be any good?
Just fix the plate, then wire all of the turn signal lights to flash in a sort of a chaser effect, and you are good. OK, maybe record a Chevy starter to grind every hour like a grandfather clock. Really, is there a better use for those Chevys? I think not.
We should probably tell them that I am negotiating on the pastry shop next door, to be called the StudeBaker. Stop in on a Lark. In a hurry? Avanti! – that’s our motto. We watch our quality like a Hawk. We entered several area baking contests, and always emerged as Champion. Come by this evening for donuts in the parking lot. I’ll stop now.
Owww! Who made you Dictator?
The Commander, that’s who!
But the Commander’s a Scotsman! I’m calling the President.
Game, set, match! You are the Champ! 🙂
Ha, no way! I look nothing like the Champion!
Sorry Jim, but if you want to go to The Premier Studebaker Themed restarunt, go up to Studebaker’s in Sault Ste. Marie, MI (Located in Da Yoopee).
Hey that’s cool!
That’s the one I am talking about!
I’m embarrassed now; the ’53 and ’54 Chevy have a long tradition of throwing me…
JP,
As one of Indianapolis’s preeminent lawyers, I am aghast that you would have spent so many billable hours coming up with bad puns. Doesn’t your family need to be fed?
Make sure its actually a Volare and not a ’76 Valiant. That can be tricky…
ZING!
I posted the pic in a previous article but seems most appropriate here. A former VW garage in Charlotte turned into a restaurant and kept the Bug on the roof.
I hope someone called the health inspector,beetles and restaurants aren’t hygenic!
Oh boy… Someone please tell me they built the wall around the cowls of the cars, and the rest of them are still there behind it.
Nope. I felt the same way; must have been a while back. Probably a bit expensive now. And the pink Caddy is for real; there’s some rust on the bottom of the door.
Interesting thing about the Caddy, it has a ’59 front fender and ’60 rear quarter. A ’59 1/2?
Reference Johnny Cash’s “Once Piece at a Time”. [grin]
If a car is going to be on fire, make it a Ford Pinto.
If a car is going to crash through a wall, make it a VW Microbus/Transporter.
If a vehicle is going to be turned into a grill, make it a Nissan Van/Kia Besta.
If a car is going to have its seats turned into benches, take ones from a full-sized FoMoCo product for the 1960s-1970s.
The tables should be from assorted junkyard conversion vans, RVs, & campers.
The menu should have many meat-filled, gluten-free choices (gluten sensitivity).
The door handles should be made from assorted steering wheels.
The light shades should resemble ricers.
The fans should resemble car rims.
The ceiling tiles should be printed with images of various old car brochures.
The counter should be covered in faux aluminum appliqué.
The lights should be made from assorted side markers, headlights, & taillights.
The windows should be able to roll down.
The plates & bowls should be made of dog dish hubcaps & Rally I rims.
The upholstery for the seats & benches should come from old cars & car restoration sources.
Need I say more?
“If a car is going to crash through a wall, make it a VW Microbus/Transporter.”
I was thinking Audi 5000, but whatever.
Can I provide the drinks sold there? I already have created an all-natural & organic key lime pie flavored soda that certifiably tastes like key lime pie.
Start an organic brewery & winery there & call it “Drinking Under the Influence of Automobiles” (DUI Automobiles Brewery & Winery). Advertisement could be sold on Jalopnik. How do you think that would sell?
That is a good one!! As in best comment of the day!
Gen X’ers would love a diner with 80’s Fox Mustang or Regal GN front ends on the roof. Or could have 1991 Sentra SE-R or 1992 Civic Si bodies made into seats.
😉
This place should be called the Curbside Classic CAFE (for Corporate Average Fuel Emissions, of course).
Put vinyl wood appliqué on the face of each clock in the restarunt.
Would you like to hear about the specials?
For starters we have the Vega, its….not fresh, I would pass…
Theres the Deadly Sin Deal Meal of the Day.
Any GM car served with your choice of soup or salad and a beverage
Today we have a Roger Smith chowder, an alphabet soup(avoid the X’s) served in an average broth or the Diesel Landau salad served with malise dressing.
How much would some early Chateau Vega wine cost?
Early Chateau Vega is very rare, not many survived……
Seems it left a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths……
I assume all booths at Brougham Burger are upholstered in rich Corinthian leather?
Or is that just in the Malaise Lounge?
Served on a your choice of velour or woodgrain….
Instead of flat screen TV’s on the wall Brougham Burger has 25″ Curtis Mathis Mediterranean console TV’s on the floor and green fuzzy textured wallpaper on the walls (which goes nicely with the avocado and gold linoleum on the floor).
As long as it is a C-M console w/record player & radio – AND “Magic-Eye” tuning!
Something about that wavering green eye…
No; that would be the Landau Lounge. Have a snifter of brandy on our soft Corinthian bar stools! Have your picture taken with our cardboard cutout of Ricardo Montalban!
But of course there would also be the Brick Brig for weddings and special events–with a vintage Volvo theme, of course.
Its illiuminated with opera lamps.
Drove by that place lots of times, but for some reason never ate there…… guess I’ll have to now. (Haven’t been to Florence in a while, though.) Hey – I’ll even let you use my on-line forum nom de plume for a catchy name… “Krash Kadillak’s Hot Rod Grill”
Ol’ Jerry must have really hated Mopars.
Paul, this needs to be redone in a 80s automotive icons theme. K-cars, GM B-bodies, Ford Panther & Fox platform, and Renaults that were built in Wisconsin.
All the booths can be seats from Murilee Martin’s junkyard finds.
All the food would be bland and uninspired with varying levels of poor quality and consistency. Portions would be smaller than the older restaurants and most customers would leave hungry but the prices would be higher and they would never want to return.
At least out here the food wouldn’t rust.
Thanks guys for the good laughs!
However, I am a bit offended that you didn’t suggest that I co-manage the Brougham Burger Joint!
In a related topic though, visit the Quaker Steak and Lube in Sharon, Pennsylvania to see how it’s done right!
The dress code for management at Brougham Burger should be a green liesure suit with a white belt and white shoes–it goes well with the company car.
What, no Herb Tarlek attire?
I’ve been to the Quaker Steak in Sharon maybe 15-20 years ago. There’s another somewhere near Pittsburgh that I ate at. Maybe in Robinson Twp. Also, there was one in Youngstown last time I drove there, never ate there, however.
The Chevys appear to be arranged in order by year, the sort of thing that a compulsive Virgo like myself would do…
All outside glass windows MUST BE PILLAR-LESS and roll down!
Already said that Zackman (sadly w/ pillars for structural safety reasons albeit).
Kind of reminds me of the ’50s-themed restaurant in “Pulp Fiction,” espcially the car-turned-booth. You gonna hire Ed Sullivan as maitre’ d?