Impatience can cost you dearly. With your spouse, it can lead to a nasty argument. At a restaurant, you could end up with pee in your soup. At work, it can lead to a hostile work environment and may cost you your job. Behind the wheel, it can kill you or someone else. Impatience has been a running theme in my life, and how I ended up with this car.
In my defense, sixteen years is a long time to wait. As my sixteenth birthday came closer, I was effectively a ticking time bomb nearing detonation, and I wasn’t going to stop at 00:00:01 like they do in the movies. I had $3,000 in the bank, which was more than enough to get a decent used car in 1985. That final trip to Mr. Grocer to get the issue of Autotrader, you know, the one that was going to have my first car in it, was a momentous occasion. My goal was to have the car in my driveway on my sixteenth birthday.
In addition to impatience, one additional undesirable quality that can cost you dearly is misinformation. In my case, it was the exact definition of “sports car,” at least from an insurance standpoint. I had somehow come under the impression that anything even remotely sporty was considered a “sports car” and thus would be charged accordingly. Did I ever call the insurance company to check? Did I even ask anyone else? No. This unfortunate impression ruled out Celicas, 200 SXs, Mustangs, Camaros & Firebirds with less than eight cylinders, and pretty much anything else remotely interesting to a sixteen-year-old boy. This limited my choices substantially (and I still feel foolish to this day).
I don’t remember exactly, but I’m sure I tore through the Autotrader and looked at everything that wasn’t a [face palm] sports car or a gas guzzler. I would love nothing more than to have kept that issue so I could look through it again to see what I could have had, but somehow in my impatient, auto-ravaged induced haze, I landed across this ad:
1979 Mercury Zephyr, AC, PS, PB, 6-cyl., 49,000 Miles, $1,500.
Wow, $1,500 for a six-year-old car with air conditioning and so few miles was a good deal in 1985. I had to have this car NOW! Sure, it wasn’t the enthusiast’s choice, but it was a very practical one. I asked Dad to go look at the car after work the next day. I’m not sure why I agreed to let him go without me. Maybe it didn’t matter, since I was going to like it no matter what? Who knows? Dad gave it the thumbs up, and he and my sister went to get the car the next day while I was at school, and it was waiting for me when I got home.
Check out those whitewalls and wire wheel covers!
There was my new white beauty in all its glory, with fancy wire wheel covers, whitewalls, and a smattering of chrome. And rust on the hood. And red tape over the broken tail lamp. Oh well, nothing that can’t be fixed. Let’s look inside.
Every car needs a Garfield deodorizer.
Stark honesty would be a very good way to describe the interior. Remember, these were the days when the most you were provided was one grainy black-and-white picture of the car and a brief description. So, this was the first time I had seen the inside of the car. Bench seat, column shifter and an AM/FM radio surrounded by that lovely beige color that seemed to grace just about every Fairmont and Zephyr. And what is that musty smell? Something to worry about another day. It even came with a free car cover, which I found in the surprisingly shallow trunk.
I’m not sure where I got this information – maybe it was on the title? – but I was the third owner. The first owner was Avis, which, being a former rental, I didn’t think anything of at the time but would later learn to avoid like the plague. Almost.
My sixteenth birthday arrived shortly thereafter, and I had arranged to take my driver’s test first thing that morning. I figured I had it made because I learned to drive in Dad’s car, which was a manual, but was taking my test in my mother’s automatic. The examiner was a very nice man — nothing to be nervous about there. I buckled my seat belt, turned on the car, did the preliminary check to demonstrate that all the important components were functional, selected “Drive,” gently pressed the accelerator, and…um…ran a stop sign. After the examiner pointed out what I had just done, he had me turn around and go back. He was nice about it, and even said that he wouldn’t have terminated the test had it not happened in front of all the people in line waiting to take the test. Let’s just say it wasn’t much of a sixteenth birthday.
Fortunately, I was able to retake the test the following Saturday at another DMV and passed it with no problem. This turned out not to be a big deal because the car spent most of that week at my friend’s dad’s shop getting a full servicing anyway, which included a new carburetor (at 49,000 miles?). My parents also bought me an AM/FM/Cassette stereo, which they paid to have installed. It sounded terrible but looked really cool. I added one of those $50 Radio Shack graphic equalizers to augment the “tone control” (Remember that one? You can have bass OR treble, but not both). For those of you unfamiliar with an equalizer, it effectively breaks down bass and treble to about 12 different levers, which I then spent hours fiddling with only to end up with something that still sounded terrible.
Now that I was a fully licensed driver, I was able to take the Zephyr out for a full shakedown. I drove it down the street, made a hard-right turn, and WHOA, what is that buzzing noise??? It appears that other manufacturers were able to make power steering that goes lock-to-lock with no problem, but Ford gave a stern warning if you hit the lock point. Well, I guess I’ll just have to learn to not turn the wheel all the way.
You’re not supposed to notice the tape…
While there wasn’t enough power to spin the back tires (at least until I discovered neutral drops), acceleration wasn’t bad. Forty came up a lot quicker than you would think based on the available horsepower, and since most of my driving was in town, that was all right with me.
I picked up my friend Mitch and headed for the car wash, and everything seemed pretty watertight. After turning out of the car wash, however, we heard a splash, and water came gushing out from under the dashboard on the passenger side, drenching Mitch. Well, that explains the musty smell, the car cover, and all the foam sealant inside the cowl vent. I took it to a body shop to get an estimate, and they told me it would be about $1,000 to fix the rust holes on the firewall where the water was coming in. I tried using the car cover, which was a pain since it rains all the time in South Florida. So, I just became adept at mopping up the water periodically from the back seat where it all flowed.
Another issue was the gas mileage. It was terrible, and the 200 CID six was supposed to be “economical.” Even when I tried to drive it gingerly, it didn’t improve much. Combine that with a 16-gallon tank, and you’re looking at a driving range only slightly longer than a Nissan Leaf. I asked my friend’s dad, the mechanic who worked on the car, what kind of mileage I should be getting. “About 12.” That was about right.
It was then, I believe, it hit me. What the hell had I done? Of all the cars in all the towns in all the world, how did this one drive into my life? Why a sedan, when there were still plenty of much-cooler coupes back then? My attitude toward the car, and my treatment of it, changed dramatically.
First step was a can of spray paint to cover the rust on the front cowl and hood, which ended up looking like a bunch of crisscrossed white stripes. Then, Mitch didn’t think we really needed those power-robbing emissions controls. Out they came, with a test pipe replacing the catalytic converter. We popped out the collar on the tank fill that prevented the use of leaded gas, filled it up, and…couldn’t really tell the difference. Since we didn’t seal the test pipe to the rest of the exhaust system properly, the car sure sounded like it needed a new muffler fast. We also threw on some plastic headlamp covers that I purchased from the JC Whitney catalog. I wish I had pictures of that one, but I’m sure your imagination is up to the task.
Other experiences included lights that randomly started going on and off, as the leaking started to corrode the switch. The passenger side mirror flew off as I carelessly left the school parking lot one day a little too close to the gate. The air conditioning quit, and the defogger went with it. Ever try driving in Florida without a defogger? It also leaked oil, though I did learn how to change a valve cover gasket thanks to Mitch. And there was that time that I backed out of my driveway right into my neighbor’s brand new Buick Riviera. Folks, if your neighbors have a teenage driver, do not park in the street right across from their driveway. That’s just asking for trouble.
Highlights included loading the car up with lots of people who used me because I had a car friends, and the fact that at least I had my own car. That was about it.
After about a year, Dad decided to try a work-from-home job like my mother’s and said that I could use his car since they wouldn’t be needing two. I think that my parents just wanted the heap out of their driveway. I put it back into the Autotrader for $750, and it sold quickly. I’m sure the guy who bought it thought that was a great price for a seven-year-old car with only 58,000 miles!
Though impatience would end up being a running theme in my life, this was the only time I let it force me into a purchase of this magnitude.
Lots of Fairmonts and Zephyrs in my high school too. I wanted to put a 5.0 in every one of them, lol. I always liked the way they looked, especially the Futura/Z7 coupes but yes, they were woefully underpowered.
And I remember the equalizers, I still have one installed on my Grand National (it’s coming out when I restore the interior) They really didn’t do much except take up space and look cool in a high school kids car.
Good write up, looking forward to the next one.
Ah, the big equalizer fad in the 1980s and early 90s… Essentially complex tone controls that broke up the audio spectrum into roughly 10 frequency ranges from deep bass through high treble, they’re called “equalizers” because the idea was you could compensate for the idiosyncrasies of your car’s interior shape and speaker location by either boosting or suppressing frequency bands (say, mid-treble) and wind up with “flat” frequency response that gave equal emphasis to treble, midrange, and bass alike for good sound quality.
Equalizers became popular for higher-end home stereos in the ’70s and audiophiles used them to compensate for the oddities of speaker placement, furniture, and room shape. But in a factory car stereo, an equalizer should be completely unnecessary because the manufacturer already knows what speakers they’re using, where they’re placed, and how the car interior acoustics affect the sound. Once determined, the equalization curve can be hardwired into the system leaving a separate equalizer behind. I suspect the real reason for their popularity was that they looked cool with all those buttons and sliders, shouting out to everyone that you have a fancy stereo in your car. Equalizers mostly disappeared after the auto manufacturers began enlisting audio equipment companies like Bose or JBL to assist with their stereos, and one of the first things they did was nix the complicated equalizers in favor of simple bass, treble, and sometimes midrange controls and a built-in equalization curve. Although, again, I suspect the marketing benefit of having branding from a high-end audio manufacturer has become more important to selling trim-level upgrades than the actual assistance these companies provide regarding sound quality.
Back around 1980 there was a ‘79 Fairmount in our fleet at work that no one wanted to drive because, well, it was a Fairmount. Turned out it was the sleeper of the fleet. 5.0 with the handling suspension, it was quick, taut and handled far better than the big Ltd’s that comprised most of the fleet. I enjoyed driving it.
“Lots of Fairmonts and Zephyrs in my high school too. I wanted to put a 5.0 in every one of them, lol. I always liked the way they looked, especially the Futura/Z7 coupes but yes, they were woefully underpowered. ”
Reading the article, being underpowered was the least of the car’s failings. Tripling the horsepower wouldn’t have made it water-tight, reliable, rust-resistant or fixed the steering issue.
A fantastic read, Adam. Hilarious. You’re a great writer.
I am honored. Thanks Joseph.
Great story – I’m sure it was a total nightmare, but you told it in a darkly entertaining way.
Yea. Been there, done that.
My love-at-first-sight car let rain and snow come in from the top and had oil leaking out from the bottom. The convertible top motor and gas gauge did not work, the plastic rear window was opaque, there was rust on the rear fenders, 0-60 took more than 20 seconds, and I was the only one who knew the multiple secrets of its Prestomatic drive.
One big difference – I loved it! It was mine and it was (in my mind) glorious, unique, and mysterious.
Many years later I still wake up on occasion after dreaming that I just found that big yellow 1953 Chrysler behind a door I never noticed before in my garage.
Truth be told, I always l liked the RWD fox body rentals from Avis, especially with the 302 V8. When I lived in Manhattan, they were my first choice. I was saddened when Avis replaced the squared-off Fairmonts with the FWD roundish and less precise feeling Tempo/Topaz twins.
But of course – and as always – YMMV.
Fun read on a winter morning with a hot cup of coffee.
I’ve had that dream! Except it was Dad’s Omni – there was just something about that black over silver with the red interior.
Great story!
I can relate to it as well since I bought my first car without looking at anything else.
I learned early on that just as tires make the biggest impact on how a car feels on the road, speakers are the biggest factor in how a car stereo sounds. All the equalization in the world won’t help a flat-sounding speaker.
All of that is mostly obsolete now I admit.
I believe the speaker brand was “Mr. Audio.” The stereo was also a no-name brand.
Great story! As much as the Fox bodies were revered for being a fresh of breath air for FoMoCo, their quality left much to be desired. Interesting about the rust problem with the cowl too. The bodies on these Fairmonts/Zephyrs didn’t hold up well in rust country. My dad bought a ’79 Fairmont wagon with a 302 and it was even worse than your Zephyr. By the mid-80s he finally ended up cutting his losses and sold it for next to nothing after several years of sinking money into that money pit. It went to a family member, but the next owner was the scrap yard, the car barely lasted 8 years.
These were obviously significant cars for Ford and got good reviews at the time, but it sure seems nearly everyone I knew who bought one from the first year or two (including new) got a lemon.
Yeah, I had a couple of those kind of friends too, the kind that called when they needed a ride to some out of town place on a specific day and time, and it took the whole day, and they didn’t have their license or a car of their own. Yep been there, done that. Somehow when I moved I forgot to give them my new phone number. Dangnabit. Great writeup. I’ll bet there are millions of young guys that have done the same thing as we all have, jumping in to their first used cars. Thanks for a great writeup.
Great write-up, and I can identify just about every aspect of this story. First cars are often hilarious debacles, in retrospect.
And oh, leaks. My first car had leaks, caused by both rust and prior accident repairs. My second and third cars had leaks too. For each car, they leaked less if they were parked a certain way (like with the passenger side uphill, or the front uphill, etc.). So making sure I checked the weather forecast and parked the car appropriately became an important task. And warning passengers that the seat may be wet, etc. Goodness, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that hassle anymore.
Your story of scouring AutoTrader each week mirrors mine. I probably drove my parents nuts with that, and like you had saved money to buy a car at my earliest opportunity. Someday I’ll write up that whole saga here. Thanks for the stories!
Good write up and photos. I never had the experience of driving one of these – they had the rental fleet vibe about them and I stayed away. On a geography field trip in high school, some of us rode in a rented van and my teacher and a few students rode in a rented Zephyr (this was the early ‘80’s). He complained about pieces of trim falling off inside the car. At least you got your use out of it, and people have plenty of scarier stories about their first cars. I definitely wouldn’t buy an ex-rental. I don’t abuse them, but who knows what everyone else did with it? Last summer I got a free upgrade to a premium car – in this case a Mercedes 250 CLA. Nice car to drive, but I noticed that the maintenance reminder lights kept coming on. I’m not sure just how well they took care of their cars, and I pity the fool who got that car after they sold it off. (sorry – couldn’t resist throwing in an ‘80’s reference)
Great writeup, Adam!
I was in high school when these came out. My Dad promptly went to the nearest FoMoCo dealer to check them out. I recall he came away unimpressed (and bugged that the horn was activated with the turn signal stalk and not a traditional button).
During this time I had an after-school job at our local equipment rental store, which was also the local office for a nationally recognized car rental company. As such, I got to sample a variety of then-current offerings from the Big Three as well as the occasional Mazda and Subaru. I remember taking a few spins in Fairmonts/Zephyrs and doing my best to wring out all the mighty (wheezy?) 6-cyl. had to offer.
One day a white one was turned in. It was equipped with a 302. Subsequent “road testing” proved that this was the most desirable engine choice. You could light up the rear tires without a neutral drop……a veritable hot rod, time and place considered.
While I was never inspired to buy a Fairmont, I made my share of car/toy purchases in my 20’s that were more impulsive than well-researched. Stories for another time. however.
A fabulous story – yes, impatience can make bad things happen.
Your telling of that “first car hunt” was familiar to me. Being a little older, I had the advantage of newspaper classified ads. The problem was that there were no pictures at all. “Don’t buy the first car you see” was my mother’s stern advice. I wanted to buy the first car I saw, but didn’t. Then every one I looked at for the rest of that Saturday was worse than the one before. I came back to the first one and bought it.
Even getting it checked out was no guarantee back then. It ran and drove great. Then the next morning it wouldn’t start. A neighborhood man with automotive skills fiddled with the car every evening for a week before he had it running. It was a simple cheap part (accelerator pump diaphragm) which he had eyeballed first thing but saw no issue. Apparently a virtually invisible pinhole will immobilize a 67 Ford very effectively.
I had almost no money at 15 so buying even a cheap used car was out of the question, but I did go to get my driver’s license the day I turned 16 so I could at least drive my parents’ cars (at the time, 16 year olds were given unrestricted licenses in my state, unlike now when you can’t have other minors in the car as passengers). Apparently overwhelmed by the excitement of finally being old enough to drive, I forgot to bring some sort of documentation to the MVA that I needed so I had to wait another two days and go back a second time. I quickly learned that having a license but no car to drive wasn’t of much use, but couldn’t afford a used car until I was 20.
Sounds like my first 5 or so cars, only they were in the 50 – 500 dollar range. Had plenty of experience with those equalizers and 30 dollar “Sparkomatic” car stereos.
I feel your pain. Long time CC readers have heard the tale of the first car I ever bought new, a 78 Zephyr Z7 coupe, silver with a red interior, bucket seats, 302.. Without recounting all it’s ills, I will note that I spent all my vacation time from work for the 2 years I had that POS sitting in the dealer service department waiting room.
After dumping the thing, I was dropping off my g/f one evening and saw a very familiar looking Z7 park at the next apartment building. Walked over for a looksee, and confirmed it was my old car. The guy was getting out of it, so I explained I had owned it. First thing out of his mouth was “have a lot of trouble with it?” I recounted the litany and asked “how about you?”. In the maybe 3 months he had had it, he had had the carb rebuilt and the a/c had quit.
It has been 40 years, and I still can’t bear the thought of owning a silver car, because it would remind me of that Zephyr.
Believe it or not, the same thing happened to me. A couple of years later, I had just arrived at school and was walking through the parking lot to my class and I saw the back-end of a white Zephyr with tape over the tail lamps. I went over, and there was the stereo & equilizer, the spray paint over the rust on the cowl, and the black electrical tape over where the passenger-side mirror used to be. The only thing missing were the wheel covers. I couldn’t believe this thing was still on the road!
Good write-up.
My parents had a 79 Zephyr sedan that I tell myself they bought after I nearly made my father memorize the issue of Car&Driver that featured a large spread on the new Fairmont. I actually liked that car (to drive) of all the cars my parents would own.
The leaks at the cowl/firewall…our Zephyr never developed those. However, there might have been a leak somewhere that went undetected as the car had a coffee can-sized hole in the front passenger’s footwell when I last drove it in the late 80s.
I also feel that a defogger is a good thing to have, even in North Florida. The heater core on my Crown Victoria blew this summer and as the weather gets slowly colder you begin to question the decision to wait until your tax return arrives to fix it.
Would I ever buy one? They are, in my opinion, pretty good cars with the V8 or the unburstable 4 cylinder engine, but my biggest gripe about these cars is the almost haphazard way they were assembled.
Put an Audi Fox next to any Fox-bodied car back when they were both fairly new and it’s like a pairing of a diamond and a glass imitation.
COWL rust on a 6-year-old car? Just…wow.
There’d been a couple of those early Fox platform vehicles in my family, I always felt they were a vast improvement on what came before but don’t remember rust problems. And we lived in places like Syracuse and Southern Vermont at the time.
Assuming the 200-6 was a descendant of the one Ford had out in the ’60s, your fuel mileage doesn’t sound all that surprising to me…lower than I’d expect but not completely out-of-line. My mom’s ’68 Mustang got 15, maybe 16 with that same engine and automatic…same as my dad’s ’70 Chevy truck with a 350.
Interesting read, and a personal flashback to when I got my license…on my sixteenth birthday. (Sorry, not trying to rub it in.) Looking forward to your next COAL chapter!
Great writeup; I think we all have stories we can tell about the times when impatience won out over common sense. The Fairmount actually made the short list of cars I was considering when I ended up buying my Rabbit. At that time, at least in California, you could not get a manual transmission with the 302. That was enough to eliminate the Fairmount from consideration as I was still heavily into my “shift it my ownself” phase. Judging from many of the comments here I probably dodged the proverbial bullet by not purchasing a Fairmount.
Thanks for the great first car story…
I had the same stick-on LCD clock as the photo in my first ride too, albeit a hand me down first car Diplomat. I also got dismal mpg from the slant six- low teens. Broke A/C, hard starting, slow thing it was.
There was a non-road/coastal salt rust problem in humid climates back in the day. As a Floridian I remember my Grandfather’s cars always smelling like mildew. His early 70’s LTD would slosh from the trunk until it fixed itself by self forming rust drain holes. He tried replacing the seals and even caulk to no avail. Then his early 80’s Cutlass had severe C-pillar rust where the vinyl roof stopped. Grew large upper rear fender holes by the late 80’s. It smelled like mildew inside too. The carpets would get squishy but he never found the leak(s.) The worst part was he parked under a carport. I had an 89 Jetta that didn’t leak but had alarming A-pillar rust in the late 90’s.
Adam, my son, you needed some counseling back then…
My family was in the garage business and man-o-man did we ever see a lot of these cars, in both the Ford and Mercury permutations.
These cars drove well for their day because they had rack and pinion steering. The boat anchor six made decent enough torque to keep things quiet in the city. Good luck taking on up a mountain, though.
By 1985, in my city anyway, these cars were largely gone and we don’t have rust issues. Every part of them was laughably cheap. The basic design and packaging were really good, was the interior room. It was just that the execution was so horrible. This broke off, the cars didn’t start, and they all leaked like sieves. I remember being at the junk yard and seeing dozens of them. Ford lost most of those customers with junk like the Fairmont. Then they lost the rest with the even worse Tempo.
The trunk was so shallow it was not possible to stand a grocery bag upright in one of these.
My first company car was a Fairmont and it was a good car. Sorry some of you guys had problems with them.
Funny thing, when I think about shopping for used cars, I never think of shopping for myself, rather for my younger sisters…as only brother, it was kind of my job, when they were looking for inexpensive car during college (but they both needed Automatic with Air conditioning). We were lucky to pick out decent cars but it took a lot of searching to get them at the price they were looking to buy.
Not acquainted with the Mercury versions, but I did drive many a Fairmont when I worked summers at Hertz in 1978 (also worked there in 1977 but that was pre-Fairmont).
I always thought the Mercury version should be called something like Parkmont…after all, Ford had its Fairlane and then Fairmont, so Mercury naming might follow suit (instead of ending up with names like Mystique and Edge (whoops…that’s a Ford)).
Fairmont was the model I think was most popular rental, followed by the Granada. The year before I drove mostly LTDII models. The Fairmont was much more basic than the LTDII, but it was timely…the next year we had the 2nd round of gas shortages, even though the Fairmont didn’t get particularly good gas mileage, back then really no cars did, as they were in transition sizewise, but the cars still had pretty low-tech engines with carburators and even though you could get a 4 in the Mustang, the mileage didn’t improve that much. I’ve often thought that if engines with better technology were offered on basic cars of the 70’s then American cars might have continued to sell better (although the poor workmanship probably would ultimately doom their continued sales dominance).
My Dad later owned 3 Mercury Sables in a row (’89, ’94 and ’96) but back then he was still driving Ford Wagons (he had 2 of them in a row) so I was familiar with how older Fords drove. My Dad though went to the imports early on for his 2nd car, starting with his used ’59 Beetle, the only American economy car he ended up buying was an ’80 Dodge Omni, otherwise the only American cars he owned were the larger models (though the Sable wasn’t the largest Mercury, it was 2nd largest and not primarily sold as an economy car).
One of my co-workers bought an ’80 Fairmont new after starting his first job out of college…we actually started on the same day. He added a Jensen stereo to his, a bit of a splurge but I’m sure he saved money on buying the Fairmont that made the Jensen less dear.