March 26, 2021
Don’t tell the EPA, but I evicted an entire ecosystem from the paintwork today. Amazingly, there was still a nice car hiding under all the mud, lichen, moss, spiderwebs, and squirrel shit. The clearcoat was a little faded on the hood and front fender, and one of the kidney grilles was black and the other was chrome, but that’s nothing a little sharpie can’t fix.
Before the timing chain guides went, I got to experience the 540I’s vast well of power once before. It was fast, handsome, and comfortable. Six years later, that initial drive provided ample reason to justify the challenge that lay ahead.
On the one hand, I had a great example of an e39 with a V8 and six-speed inline to replace my failed Alfa that still needed to be gone from my landlady’s drive back in L.A. But, with the timing chains clacking away it was a long way from being a daily driver. Fortunately, this job entailed entirely different, more favorable circumstances from my stricken Alfa 164 S.
For one, I was lucky to have Mike and his ocean of mechanical expertise on my side. Another plus: Mike had already purchased all of the parts (if not all of the tools) we would need to do the job he just hadn’t had the time to get started. That said, we still had two weeks of intense surgery ahead of us. This wasn’t going to be easy, and I was still fighting the clock to ensure that see the Alfa wasn’t shipped off to LKQ and the crusher.
The first challenge on this quest to revive the Bimmer: “The Jesus Bolt.” The Jesus Bolt, so named because that’s what you are going to exclaim once you have taken one out. So far, the disassembly process had gone over beautifully, sure it was complicated, but there were no surprises. Mike, ever watchful, was checking my handiwork the whole time and keeping me organized.
Better still, unlike the Alfa which seemed to fight me every step of the way, the BMW was working with me as if it knew it was on its way to adventures in the Southland. It only took me two days of relatively easy work to get all the accessories out and to strip the engine down to the lower timing cover.
Unfortunately, the timing chains and guides wouldn’t be coming off without first removing the lower timing cover, and the lower timing cover wouldn’t be coming off without the Jesus Bolt being removed first. I am making such a big deal of this Jesus Bolt because this one, 32 millimeter, half-pound fine threaded monstrosity is responsible for holding the harmonic balancer to the crankshaft, and it is torqued down to a massive 300-foot pounds – a torque figure well beyond the capacity of most home mechanic torque wrenches.
I was confident, nay, cocksure that no bolt in the world could possibly hold out against Mike and me forever. Our special patent-pending BMW Bolt Buster tool arrived just in time to tackle it.
We’re talking both sections of a four-foot-tall jack-handle on top of a half-inch-drive breaker bar for leverage. One foot on the bumper, one foot planted, both hands on the bar, and with back and quads engaged, and on three – I thrusted backward with all the violence I didn’t know I had.
And then the breaker bar snapped. Sending me tumbling backward. Disbelieving, I looked at the severed half inch pipe in still my grip.
Mike’s mouth was agape.
Have you ever broken one of those before, Mike?
Can’t say I have but there’s a first time for everything.
Thirty minutes of tries later…
Finally, with the aid of both sections of the jack handle for leverage, and the bolt buster using the whole weight of the car to hold the harmonic balancer in place, Mike and I managed to break the fearsome Jesus Bolt loose.
There’s no Corona sweeter than one earned after a hard day in the garage. No energy left for squeezing limes.
The nice thing about the Jesus Bolt is that it only required brute force to get the torque specification right. The double Vanos would require a much more delicate touch. While I was working away on the car, Mike was tirelessly sleuthing the forums searching for any potential surprises and as luck would have it, he found one.
For those of you who aren’t familiar, Vanos is BMW’s variable valve timing acronym. For all the Japanese car fans out there, think: Honda V-Tech or Toyota VVTI only vastly more complicated, and, sadly, less reliable. Each Vanos unit on the M62 alters the intake cam profile giving the 540i buttery smooth torque from the low end, and prodigious shove from 3000 RPM to the 6000 RPM redline. It’s a great system, when it works, and to make it work requires two things: the skills of a master dentist to rebuild the Vanos units, and the expensive German trigger wheel alignment tools. Guess which one we didn’t have?
Wednesday.
So, here’s the deal, I’ve been reading online and those Vanos alignment tools… unfortunately, it seems the ones I bought for this job are no good they might not get the trigger wheels aligned correctly.
This didn’t surprise me.
Yeah, I saw that, that’s why we had to modify them before we took the timing chains off right? Do we know if the trigger wheels were aligned correctly when we took them off the car?
No, it was giving me the warning light for a timing problem when we took it apart. we can either put the engine back together and start praying, or we can wait, I ordered the good alignment tools, they’ll be here Friday.
Decisions, decisions.
We could put the car back together, start it up and get lucky, or we could waste two days waiting for the tools to arrive. I had to get back to L.A. and my way home was still in a million pieces in the garage. And on other side of this the Alfa was still waiting for me in a kind of dead car purgatory.
With all this in mind, I decided I actually felt a little lucky.
There is no feeling quite like firing up an engine you have built with your own two hands for the first time. The sound of all of those thousands of complicated parts working together in harmony as the sum of the efforts of your own two hands (and perhaps another set that helped) is unnerving yet exhilarating. Did I remember to torque that one now inaccessible bolt down right? Should we have changed out that sprocket?
Only one way to know for sure.
Firing up the mighty M62 was defined by that uncertainty, and the knowledge that if we did anything wrong, the engine would soon be in a million pieces again. So, when the moment of truth came, my mom had a camera ready to capture either the glory or the tragedy.
And…
The M62 cranked to life as though it hadn’t just had triple bypass surgery and was happily whirring away just in time for the UPS man to arrive with the verified German timing tools. The V8 was running beautifully and then the SERVICE ENGINE SOON light came on halfway to the smog center.
Sometimes I amaze myself. The next morning, I was up before the dawn, down in the garage working like a cracked-out orangutan in a desperate bid to get the trigger wheels realigned and the engine back together before the smog shops closed for the weekend. It all worked. The Bimmer passed smog and was officially road legal and registered to one David Devereaux of Pasadena, California! Victory is sweet!
Nothing felt better than finally getting to know my new ride on a long-haul journey back home from Sacramento to L.A.
First impressions: this sedan is a lot more chill than the Alfa. On the street, the Alfa was always begging for another 1000 RPM. On the highway, it wasn’t happy until you were doing at least 90. While the 540i has ferocious power, plenty to obliterate the 255 section rear tires (don’t ask me how I know), it is just as happy ticking over 2500 rpm in sixth at an 80-mph cruise.
This car felt suddenly so much more responsible. Solid. Comfortable. The supportive seats, meat-locker grade AC, nice stereo, buttery smooth clutch and that signature muffled growl from the exhaust. As nice as it is during normal driving, the three spoke M5 steering wheel, and M wooden shifter are a constant reminder that the 540i is ready to rock.
Back in L.A. It was good to be home. And as it happens, a bit of good news for both me and the Alfa was waiting for on Facebook.
Hey, I saw your Alfa listing. I know a 164 specialist where I live in Chicago, he can probably fix it, what were you asking for it again?
My new friend Stefan from Chicago ended up purchasing the Alfa and despite needless drama from two scofflaw transporter brokers, one who claimed ignorance that the Alfa didn’t run, and one who was a day and a half late, the Alfa ended up on a double decker tow truck to a new life in the Land of Lincoln.
Time to celebrate.
I took a day to celebrate cruising out to Malibu. En route, I reflected on the emotional rollercoaster of the last month.
Over the course of this journey, I discovered a new unfortunate phenomenon among enthusiasts, I call it reliability shaming. The sanctimonious attitude of some USDM Japanese car buyers honestly makes me never want to own a Corolla ever. As I think about it, cars are more than appliances. They’re more than just transporting from A-to-B-to-C. And so, the way I see it is if we’re going to spend so much time behind the wheel (particularly if we enjoy the act of driving) it should be at the helm of something we can truly love as opposed to numbly tolerate.
Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn’t thank all the people who helped save my ass from what was a very dicey situation. Mike, for trading off the BMW and all the parts I needed to fix it, and for going so far out of your way to help me try and fix the Alfa. My mom for helping me keep my head up when situations seemed impossibly dark and untenable. Lastly, Gunnar who not only was cheering me on from L.A. while I was working to fix the BMW, but who has once again gone out of his way to help me find my voice, and despite my various missteps helped me to bring what is thus far the best automotive story I’ve got to share with all of you. So, thanks guys, none of this adventure would have been possible without you.
Good story about good work done on a good car. Congrats x 2. That car would certainly make a good argument for if you only had one car to drive. I mean you start off at rear wheel drive,stick and V-8. Then add the fact that it is in my opinion probably the best looking BMW four-door has a good ride and great handling…
Thanks for sharing
That’s why I like it so much actually, because it’s fast fun and comfortable. Unfortunately, it’s a total gas hog and I’m fueling up twice a week lol.
It’s a great handler too, but it feels a little stressed out when the road gets really twisty, it does have a big heavy engine in the nose though…
That “Jesus Bolt” reminds me of this Ninja working hard to dislodge it in Hoovie’s BMW.
https://youtu.be/wAURkREFhbk?t=524
My stepdad watched that video before we took on the Jesus Bolt in my car, he was worried we were going to need to buy a SnapOn electric ratchet
“… it should be at the helm of something we can truly love as opposed to numbly tolerate.”
Well said, sir! And an enjoyable write-up…
Thank you
It’s particularly true depending on where you live. Here in LA for example, we have nasty traffic but no snow, and no rusty cars so there is lots of freedom of choice and the way I see it more motivation to drive a car you love.
It looks like the BMW won out over the Alfa. I was rooting for the Alfa. Alfisti seem like a fun bunch of car owners, doing a lot of scut work to keep their beautiful cars going. More red cars, and fewer silver cars, that’s my vote.
All those photos of the admittedly pleasant looking BMW, and then seeing that last shot of the Alfa leaving the scene on the back of a flatbed tow truck, and I feel my heart rate pick up a bit, just for a moment.
I’m sorry to disappoint you, unfortunately with the Alfa stuck in LA there wasn’t much more we could do for it, there’s no way I was going to send it to the crusher though. Although you are correct, Alfa enthusiasts are great people.
What is life if it’s not an adventure?
And congrats to you (and/or Gunnar?) on such a clear and engaging writing style. I’ve really enjoyed all of your articles.
Great engines in those but complicated when it goes wrong maintaining them correctly is key, I saw one stripped down recently having guides and vanos rebuild next door to where I park my wagon oddly enough the BMW was at the house I grew up in all kinds of driveway repairs were done there but nothing quite like what this guy was doing, a week later he was doing burnouts in his BMW again so the surgery went well. Two weeks later he died in the driveway in his other car.
Great story. I was in this situation once as a young man, sans a Mike.
Had a cosmetically-pristine 90 V8Q. When it ran properly, it was magnificent. Unfortunately that wasn’t very often. It devoured my evenings and weekends, all of my spare money, and made me late for work so often. Fix one issue, another pops up.
The German car shop in town wouldn’t touch it. They’d never even seen one before. So I fixed things myself, using Audi forums in the infancy of the internet.
After getting written up for attendance (nearly fired) and passed over for a raise, dependent on my girlfriend to get around…I decided it was time to grow up. I could either act like the MBA holder from a good school employed by a Fortune-50 that I was, or I could be a grease monkey. I couldn’t be both.
I sobbed as the breakers loaded my Audi on to the flatbed. Then I bought a Trailblazer, which carried me through the next decade-plus with nary a complaint and nearly 300k miles until it was wrecked.
Cheap old foreign cars are great fun. But you have to remember what is working for whom, not the other way round. I have an old E-class wagon now. It wasn’t old when I bought it. We both aged together.
Good luck, I hope the BMW carries you many years into the future.
Nathan
Were you on audifans.com? They were a big help over the years with my ’87 4000 quattro, but it was also much more reliable than your car.
Stax, yes I think so! Everyone was so nice and willing to share advice…a great community…the V8Q just needed more time and money than I would ever be able to give.
Still, I would be fibbing if I said I didn’t search for another one from time to time. Running properly, you felt like royalty behind the wheel of that thing.
Congratulations on successfully completing a job I would never have tackled. A former boss had a 540 6 speed and I rode in it a few times and got to drive it once, which was quite a treat. In hindsight, although I’ve owned several 6 speed motorcycles since the seventies, the BMW was the first of very few 6 speed cars that I’ve driven. As for reliability shaming, our own E12 5 series, also silver, was just not trustworthy enough as a family car with two very young kids, and at my wife’s insistence, got replaced with a silver Corolla. I think if it had a V8 it might have been harder to make that transition … Regardless, despite the fact that like me, you’ve had a couple of Alfa’s and a 5 series, I doubt that there will be a Corolla or Prius in one of your future COAL’s.
It cleaned up nice! I bet you probably have near as much time into that part of the resurrection as you do into the timing chain job.
“Over the course of this journey, I discovered a new unfortunate phenomenon among enthusiasts, I call it reliability shaming. The sanctimonious attitude of some USDM Japanese car buyers honestly makes me never want to own a Corolla ever. As I think about it, cars are more than appliances. They’re more than just transporting from A-to-B-to-C. And so, the way I see it is if we’re going to spend so much time behind the wheel (particularly if we enjoy the act of driving) it should be at the helm of something we can truly love as opposed to numbly tolerate.”
Yes, it is nice to have a car that you truly love and enjoy driving, but only if you can afford it. The fact that the Alfa cost you your job says that you can’t afford it to many of us, even those of us who don’t drive Japanese cars. Yes I did hear you say that the job wasn’t that great but it was a job and most jobs do expect you to be on time and present every day. You also have to keep in mind that the next job could be even worse, especially when you find yourself in need of a job sooner rather than later.
As I said in your last installment I do believe that a person learns best from their own mistakes, but that won’t stop some of us from trying to help you prevent making the mistakes we made or have witnessed first hand in the past.
That’s all fair
The difference is, the way you wrote about this, you’ve been nice about it, and I appreciate that.
What I can’t abide are the people who are ass holes for the sake of being ass holes. If the community of people who own a car are going to act like that, then I’m not inclined to be a part of it.
Thanks for a great story. It brought back a lot of memories from my younger days. I’m probably three times your age, but I still feel much the same about cars and motorcycles as you do. The fervor will dim over time, compromises will have to be made, reality will set in. Buy yourself a little Japanese car/pick up truck that you can depend on, and use for trips to the parts store and wrecking yard. Not to mention driving to work. But keep on having fun, it’s harder than you think!
Beautiful car, but that engine is a mind-blowingly complex piece of machinery. Kind of illustrates why electric vehicles are the future. Once battery technology is solved, they are so much simpler. The parallel is the turbo-compund piston engine technology of the DC-7, right before it was replaced by jet engines. Love to have a 6-speed, but not in LA traffic.
God bless you, david, for keeping the car enthusiast flame alive. Those of us who contentedly putter along in warranties Chrysler minivans and four cylinder econosedans who have never lifted the hood need Those Who Dare and their stories to entertain us. What a dull place the automotive world would be to read about were it not for exciting and well written stories like yours. Suppose everyone drove competent, dull, four door grayish boxes which never broke and never inspired any emotion beyond a dull liking? What fun would that be?
I completely understand what you are talking about with the toyota mentality. Yes. Toyotas are good cars, but dull. I have that one friend who noisily insists that everyone who ever bought anything other than a toyota was immediately shrouded in fumes of noxious smoke and shredding parts.
I’m looking forward to all the subsequent installments and am crossing my fingers for the best.
The good news is, I got the BMW running and registered back in March, three months later, and it’s running great the Vanos is a little clacky but it fires right up every morning and it hasn’t thrown any nasty surprises yet.
the only problem I can think of is with 4.4 liters this car is a major gas hog, I am filling up twice a week!
Wait, I forgot paul has done quite a bit to make his Toyota extraordinary. But the outcome is more predictable.
Right on, David!
Kudos to you on reviving that car.
The E39 is a really beautiful, clean design. I think the successive 5 series generations (especially the Bangle-butt ones that cam just afterwards) haven’t done it justice.
Our family (first parents, now passed it to my brother) have a 525i of this generation – it’s relatively underpowered, but it’s less thirsty on fuel. But it still handles with the balance that is typical of that series.
Hello David,
I would like to offer my heartiest congratulations on getting your E39 BMW up and running. What an achievement! I hope it’s going to provide years of reliable service.
One question for you. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how much money were you able to get for the Alfa 164?
I was asking &1,000 for it non running but registered.
Fabulous – and the Alfa’s buyer likely paid full price too.
You made out good on it. I’m about to sell a non-running 1998 Volvo station wagon that was given to me – has a bad head gasket but another Volvo enthusiast friend is taking it off my hands and giving me some money for it.
Nice, it’s always good to see a dead car off to a better future. I think the pandemic actually helped me sell the Alfa, it wasn’t listed for long at all.
While reading your bit about the Jesus bolt, I could not help but think that most aircooled VW owners are familiar with the situation, since they have three such bolts/nuts. The gland nut (which is actually a bolt) that holds the flywheel on, and the nut holding each rear drum on. They all use a 36mm wrench. I have seen a a range of torque specs from 212 lb-ft up to 254 lb-ft, but they can handle 300 lb-ft and are often recommended to be to tightened up to that range for high performance use.
There are a variety of specialized tools to apply enough torque for VW’s, and I have also twisted off a 1/2″ breaker bar while using the handle from my floor jack as a cheater bar. Good times…maybe I will go out and tinker with my ’65 Squareback now.