(My one shot at shlock fiction. First posted….what seems like a long time ago) You wake despite the hope that you’d never awake, that it was all just a bad dream. But you know she’s there in the bed next to you. In the early gray light of morning, your bleary eyes reluctantly open and fall on her mottled and pallid white skin. She seemed so hot and glamorous last night, in the sparkly beams of light on the dance floor at the Rockin’ Rodeo. Everyone always raved about Camaro, what a hot number she was, and how you just had to have one some day. And last night there she was, and you finally screwed up your courage to ask her for a dance. At the time, all you could see were those hips, those glorious bulging hips. You just knew they promised action, despite the fact they were hardly moving at all. Oh yeah; she was saving her energy for later, the big run, the final blast, you kept telling yourself. But it never came.
And now, as the fog-filtered light ever so slowly increases, you lay there and actually look at her features, which were all just a blur in the heady heat of your desire last night. Yes, the hips are still the first thing your eyes are drawn to, but now they seem so exaggerated and unreal. Your eyes slide down just a bit further, and they focus on the details between them that you totally missed last night. Christ; her butt! It’s not real; its a cartoonish thing, so crude , simple and unfinished; something maybe a ten year old would draw, in a hurry.
Perhaps feeling your penetrating gaze Camaro gently rolls over, now facing you in the muted rays of light falling from the high window of her cheap apartment. Holy shit! That’s not a face! It’s just a jumble of lines hastily arranged where a real face should be, and totally devoid of any expression or subtlety. My God, how could you not have noticed that last night? Just how many beers did you have before you walked up and slapped her on those damned hips? For years, you’d been staring at Camaros all dressed to kill in those glossy magazine spreads, and assumed they were all the same. Sadder but wiser, you now know otherwise.
The painful details of last night start to take shape and tumble out of the tangled haze of your embarrassment and hangover. From the moment you first kicked her over, you knew something wasn’t right. Instead of that wicked come-hither rumble emanating from her nether regions that was guaranteed to get a guy’s juices flowing, she emitted a most pathetic little nasal whine. What the hell? You lifted up her skirt, and there, covering up her obviously tiny orifice, was the sign: “Turbo-Thrift 230 – 140 HP”; a fucking six banger!
Just please don’t let her have a slushbox too. Sure enough, her feeble little six is backed by a two-speed Powerglide, with a column shifter no less. Now you know for sure you’re not dreaming, because you couldn’t have imagined a column shifter in a Camaro in your worst nightmare. No classic Mustang sure as hell ever had one. Call it a Powerslide all you like, but obviously neither power nor sliding was going to be on the agenda tonight. Any visions of a long hot night burning rubber with a crackling hot Big Block and a Muncie rockcrusher are gone with the puff of bluish smoke the tired little six emits on startup.
What a nightmare! No wonder you heard that snickering as the two of you left the Rockin’ Rodeo. Her feet should have been a tip-off: those tiny size fourteens looked utterly ridiculous, even if she was wearing Cragars. And the missing little badge next to the front side turn indicator that announced the cubes, but for V8s only. Well, it was too late then; you were way too caught up in the idea of a Camaro to turn back. Let’s just spare everyone the un-juicy details. At least you can be thankful for not getting baited into any races on the way home.
Her gentle nasal six-cylinder idle confirms she’s still asleep. You take one more regretful look, especially at that “Camaro by Chevrolet” tattoo on her ample breast. As a kid, that said it all, the invincible General’s one-two punch comeback to that sassy upstart Mustang. You knew when GM finally realized they’d been snookered by Ford and put their collective mind to it, they’d kick that Mustang’s ass with their comeback, even if it was a rush job that wasn’t really quite finished. How’s a fourteen-year-old supposed to tell the difference? And you’d been lusting after one ever since.
You quietly slip out of bed, grab your clothes off the floor, and tip toe out the door. It’s going to be a long cold walk home in the drizzle.
OMG I never realised the Camaro came as a poverty pack shoulda known though the Mighty Monaro out here could be got with 161 cube 3 on the tree I guess nobody who imported Mustangs Camaros or the like brought in a 6 nslush considering the enormous cost of imports back then why would you the appeal was a V8 4 on the floor and the huge profit on resale I doubt that Chev 6 could outrun our local Vauxhall victor 3.3s
This Camaro is a “real classy lady” compared to some of the GM-Holden “scrubbers” that lived in the Australian suburbs well into 1970’s: vinyl flooring; no radio; no air conditioning; no power steering; no anti-sway bars; non-laminated windshields; and vinyl bench seats. This “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” approach kept us coming back for more and more from Holden, year after year. That Camaro, by comparison, is pure class – it has bucket seats, that are designed to recline! We certainly wouldn’t have slinked out the door into the rain; at least do another lap of the track, or another quarter mile because (male) beggars can’t be choosers and look a gift horse in the mouth.
I noticed the decontented Holdens when I moved to Aussie Id never seen a Holden with drum brakes or plastic mats all my dads new Holdens were carpeted and had discs they had to try to compete with Vauxhalls and Zephyrs here Gm and Ford solved that problem in OZ by not having the competition available ,Power steering was available on Holdens from the EH on and on Vauxhalls from 65 so it could be had but not for free NZ had the MK4 Zephyr/Zodiac with V6 and 4wheel independant suspension and 4wheel discs light years ahead of Falcon in 65 so it was a very much more diverse market place to OZ and still is. We werent able to buy Camaros of the shelf but no remittance imports were about it you had the overseas funds you could buy anything you wanted here but with a large duty tax on top.
You DO have a period key!
We call ’em full stops here. And I think he’s found it since 2011.
My unlamented ’69 Camaro had the Powerglide with the column shifter. It was bolted to a gutless 327 2 barrel that couldn’t spin the tires unless it was from a stop in the rain. Strictly a posermobile.
I love this write up. It was great on TTAC, and makes even more sence when you can see it just above the ‘pretty sister’. Column shift is just going too far. You could have soem serious powerlacking slushbox Mustangs, but a column shifter? Don’t they have any digninty. I actually kinda like the looks though. A bit more understated than the Mustang and Firebird of the same year, not so much a pretty face but still nice hips(prefer the hidden headlights though). More like the girl next door that you end up marrying ,while the Firebird knew she could do better and dumped you right after the prom 😛 And with a smallblock and a Th350 (if they were available?) She could last pretty long too.
What I wouldn’t give for one of these – 1967-1969. Make mine in red, please, 6 cyl, stick (no kidding). Hey, it’s a genuine hardtop, so that makes it gold in my book. Remember, I’m cheap, no V8 for me.
I’d rather take a GEN-U-INE Pontiac Firebird Sprint in red-on-red or green-on-green, with a Four-on-the-floor please.
Excellent wordsmithy here…a cross of David E. and Stephen King, with a fair amount of Jack Baruth tossed in.
And an accurate portrayal of the Morning After, too. I’ve never had a Camaro; but I have had a few Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot mornings after ill-advised horse-trades…
I thought only Chrysler did stupid things like column shifters in sporty cars. Mustang offered a bench seat, but never a column shift. (Or a 2 speed automatic, but that is another rant). Did Chevy offer the Camaro with a 3 on the tree? One of these would make this car campy enough for me to want one. But I think I would just prefer a Biscayne 2 door sedan. At least you have truth-in-packaging going tor you there.
Is there a better color combo for a stipper Camaro than a dull white car with black interior? I think not. And someone who puts Cragers on a Camaro with a 6 and a Powerglide needs to be sat down and talked to.
I’d do baby moons all the way – maybe with trim rings.
The Mustang was the odd one out-Camaros&Firebirds, Cudas and Challengers, and Javelins, too, all could be had with column shifts, early versions of which all had 3-on-the-tree available. 1970 ushered in 3-speed floor shifts standard for both GM F-bodies and the Mopar E-bodies. I know early Javelins had column 3-speeds, but I’m not too sure about the ’71-74s.
I’d still take it…. this thing is one LS-X swap away from greatness. I would have a hard time resto-modding a genuine SS or even an RS, but no one would complain about hacking up a 6-cyl 2-sp! LS-X, 6-sp, updated suspension, 6-piston Baers, 17″s, Sparco seats, etc… Year One would love me… 🙂
Going by the 2.5″ twice pipes out back I’m thinking the Turbo Thrift/Powerglide have taken leave. Actually, the elevation of the ol’ girls nose tells me all motovation has gone AWOL.
That story reminds me of a frightening weekend at the World of Wheels when it was still at McCormick Place.
We had a group of cars in the show and tons of beer, Saturday was good… Somehow, on Sunday I woke up next to this hillbilly chick that was at the show selling knockoff designer handbags, watches and eyewear, Sunday was less than “good”.
I swear it was like going to bed with a 70 1/2 Z-28 and waking up next to that pudgy white 68.
I’m fairly certain that if you ordered a Camaro or Firebird with an automatic but without a console, the shifter was on the column.
Yep, you got it. I remember going down the ordering list with dad for the ’67 RS we owned (327, Powerglide, thank ghod he went for the upgraded interior and console). Console and floor shifter was an extra cost option on everything but the 4-speed (floor shift was the only way it came, of course).
I’ve always hated this version of the Camaro. I’ve never cared for Camaros or Firebirds, but the first generation has always bothered me, mainly because I thought that they were ugly as sin, and clearly, blatantly up against the ‘Stang. Not an early ‘Stang fan either, but it was a little better-looking than this.
What’s funny is that the old 2 speed slushbox Powerglide is now popular with drag racers. So many appear on Speed Channel’s “Pass Time” or “Pinks” have them.
Funny post, we need more humour and literacy in revhead land …… and BTW, I’m happily married to a ’68, column shifted, powerglided, 2 barrelled, 327cui 210hp (though I doubt she makes 150hp right now). She goes where I want her to go, she stops when I want her to stop and when we’re tooling down the freeway of love in her Grotto Blue getup she makes makes low, growling noises. What more could I guy ask for? .. and she’s 22 years younger than me. 🙂
No Camaro is ugly after 6 beers.
Make that 9 Corona’s
When your first car is a 67 Camaro, but an El Strippo with a column shift Powerglide, the low-buck two-barrel regular gas 327 (at least it wasn’t a Six), those slablike seats that felt like they had about a quarter inch of foam padding, ventilation that made the car feel stuffy when it was 57°F outside, when it rides like a buckboard, burns up clutch plates in the Powerglide like there’s no tomorrow, and when it spits out rear axle bearings every 10,000 miles, leaving a tell-tale puddle of hypoid oil on the ground…well, that’s when you get a sensible Plymouth Valiant sedan, and never again look back at GM products.
Wow! So harsh. This little Camaro was just a little plain Jane you were the one that supplied all the fanatsies. How much more honest could a car be? Simple white paint no extra chrome maybe the fancy shoes promised more than she could deliver but what girl doesnt love a nice pair of shoes? You could play the automotive Professor Higgins and make her over into anything you could ever want. But would it break her heart that you couldn’t love her for who she was? Time will tell. I have her distant cousin at home. A 1970 Mustang base hardtop with a six and auto. We’ve only been together since February..
Hell, I’d drive that right now!
VERY good Paul ! .
Even if I love me some 6 Bangers , this was good writing .
Me , I’d peak & tweak that little thing and run the living hell out of it .
-nate
I hope you waited for the tailpipe to cool down. You should never take a stripper to bed.
i’d tap that. drive it all day. 😉
actually reminds me of her slightly older sister i went out with for about 12 years. occasionally i could get her to drop her top in public then everyone would stare. she eventually left me and ended up at my cousins house. he’s taken good care of her every once in awhile you’ll see them out on the town. they look good together and i wish them well. it was tough at first but i knew it had to happen. with time it got easier you see she is a high maintenance kind of girl …….
I’m dumb founded that I did not know the first gen Camaro came with a column shifter.
Seriously? That’s just not right for a pony car. And may I say what I’ve said before, I’m always learning something new on this web site. Time always well spent on CC.
Did they really allow non-laminated windshields (un-saftey glass) in the 60’s in Oz?
Sadly,yes. From memory, laminated windscreens became standard (finally)
in the late 1970s. For Holden that is. Frods & Valiants I’m not sure.
I don’t like these. Can I say that? That’s not blasphemy, right? Okay, good. Anyways, don’t like these. For me, the first generation Camaro puts forth everything that is wrong with classic car enthusiasts and the muscle car scene.
“Right, sure it’s an original SS. Mmm-hmm, I saw six others with that same catalogue-bought Small Block 350 on my way over here. Right. Gonna win first in the car show. Oh yeah no, the fact that it looks like a block of wood with a tupperware container on top totally didn’t come to mind. Yeah man, I’ll see ya. I’ma go check out this 1949 Crosley over here.”
Every time I see one of these Camaros I’m reminded of how bland and overly simplistic they are, and the same often goes for their owners. An attempt to overtake the Mustang while it was still king, with no real design effort put into the main body (but oddly tons in the details), offered in nonsensical and often confusing configurations, and topped off with the fact that you could buy a comparable car for less money within the Chevrolet Range itself! The Camaros that have survived (and there are tons of them) all have the same Cragar SS knockoffs done up in chrome or gunmetal, the same SBC 350 with painted heads and otherwise barren engine bay, the same chromed out interior and near deity-level amount of light bouncing off every little thing…
I get sick of it. I really do. You have the money to buy this car, put all of this stuff on it, and then you end up going the easy route and making it look the same as the other six sitting in the lot of this car show? You disgust me. You really do. Paint the damned thing pink, put a Duramax in it, ACTUALLY DRIVE IT! I don’t care if your car has $60,000 spent on restoring it! Can I actually see you enjoying it, or are you afraid your fat middle-aged ass is going to fart in the pristine leather?
Sorry. Again, I just don’t like this generation of Camaro. I’m fine with the second generation and the later F-bodies though.
+1
The missing line at the end of your dream was you hopped in your quite rounded 50hp 1930s relic and puttered away, amply demonstrating your superiority, 4sp 15 wheels, or something. I don’t get the sneering at cars like this, even in basic form. They were stylish, affordable, and easily upgradable, when bought new or later. They were priced at a level a young person who had stayed in school and followed the rules could afford, at an age young enough to enjoy it.
Look at those three guys and three Camaros on the beach in the earlier Camaro post. What a statement of having arrived. Their youth and affluence could not have been matched in 90% of the world then and 99% of the world in all the generations before. It was real in America then, not just ad copy. It was measurable progress. Over time the fact that Chevy was selling cars to women, blacks and gays would be better reflected in the ad copy.
You point to where it could have better, but I would ask you this. What manufacturer, anywhere in the world other than GM or Ford could have put together a better overall package?
I may sound down on this post Paul but I am glad you wrote it. It made me think.
Did you miss the part where I said it’s fiction? 🙂
No, see fist line of my post. But as with a girl, go looking for the worts, and that is what you will find. And miss the beauty of the overall package and what it means about progress beyond just basic transportation. A turkey in every pot and a Volkswagen in every garage gets surpassed. Of course, it’s the next generation.
Imagine now a 1948 VW ad with a similar shot of 3 guys with VWs on a beach. The VWs are all black and the clothes the guys would be wearing. The statement would be we made it through and still have hope and now freedom. Now look at the Camaro ad again. Progress.
“Six-in-a-row-that-don’t-go and a 2 speed, “slip ‘n slide” PowerGlide….just kinda-sorta rolls off your tongue?
Are describing your Grandpa’s 1951 Bel-Air?
Or are we describing the brand new “pony car” you quickly bought on your lunch hour yesterday?
Brilliant piece of fiction. Her “face” is slightly busted compared to the ’67 and ’69 models. Never liked the 68’s rectangular turn signals which resembled J. W. Whitney-sourced fog lamps.
A base first gen Camaro always seemed more “base” than a base first gen Mustang.
Paul, this is one of my favorite writings you’ve done. Tragicomic, it underscores the huge letdown that many young hotshoes experience when they purchase their fabled dream car, only to discover it’s not the big block, four-speed fire breather that haunted their fantasies for so long.
Hillarious! And yet….the shittiest ’60s Camaro still has 10 times the mojo and 1000 times the potential of 90% of the garbage made today.