(first posted 5/21/2013) If you look and listen, you can almost hear the late night television commercial:
“Hey, folks, Honest Abe here at Honest Abe’s Used Car Emporium, Tire Shop, and Pool Supplies! Boy, let me tell you, the inventory is great and the deals are hot! What kind of inventory? you ask. I got stuff here you just won’t find anywhere else for prices that you can’t beat with a billy club!
“Let’s take a look right here…
“Now, here’s a cream puff – hey, it’s even the right color for a cream puff! Right here is a gen-you-wine one owner 1966 Pontiac Star Chief Executive! This beauty is a true one owner with only 61,000 miles! Be the envy of all your friends and neighbors when you park this delightful Pontiac out front.
“Never heard of an Executive? Well, just like not everyone can be an executive at work, not every Pontiac built in 1966 was special enough to be an Executive. No siree, there were only 10,140 of these Executive coupe’s built by the General that year. There were 79,000 Catalina coupes built for 1966 and they were all on that puny 121″ wheelbase. No, sir, this here Executive is on the roomier and more sophisticated 124” wheelbase, same as a Bonneville – which is still four times more plentiful than this Executive in coupe form.
“I tell you, this Executive is exclusive! But, guess what! The price isn’t exclusive, it’s right where anybody can afford it – just $4,700! That’s only $1,600 more than the base price when it was new – 46 years ago! I bet you can drive this Executive for the next five years and sell it for what you pay me! How often can a person do that?
“This kind of a deal won’t last long!
“Oh, I know, you’re saying ‘Abe, it uses a lot of gas.’ Well, what real car doesn’t use gas? But Pontiac really thought way ahead back in ’66. This Executive has a 389 cubic inch V8 – a hallmark of Pontiac’s formidable engine heritage – yet this particular 389 in this Executive is the economy engine with a mere 256 gross horsepower. What better way to show your commitment to both recycling and the planet than by re-using an existing resource with this cherry old Pontiac Executive?
“Why, just the other day I drove this very Pontiac to the Whole Foods Market. I tell you what, driving this car is the most fun you can have with your clothes on! As I was cruising around the parking lot looking for a good place to park, listening to the exhaust pipes playing penuchle with each other, two Prius owners looked longingly at this amazing Executive and collapsed! This Executive is so exclusive if it could make those Whole Foods folks swoon, imagine what it will do for everyone else! You will be the envy of everyone you know. Pontiac just isn’t building cars like this anymore! Heck, nobody is building cars like this anymore! For that matter, Pontiac isn’t even building cars any more!
“This kind of a deal won’t last long!
“Yeah, I know, some of you skeptics are saying, ‘Abe, there’s a reason for this Pontiac being so rare.’ Well, I’ll tell you why it’s so rare – people get all hung up on names. Yeah, you could get that compact, stripper Catalina or that snooty, over priced Bonneville. Who wants that? No, siree bob, I don’t want that! This here Executive is the best blend of both worlds – the moderate accommodations of the Catalina for those inclined to watch their pocketbook combined with the size of the uppity, hoity-toity Bonneville. Why, driving this car is combining the best of both worlds – kind of like having bacon with every meal!
“Look closer and this honey just keeps getting sweeter. Back in the day, you could get your choice of 4 different transmissions in your ’66 Pontiac Executive – three-on-the-tree, four-speed manual in either wide or close ratio, and Turbo Hydramatic! The four-speeds even came from the General with gen-you-wine Hurst linkage! How’s that for variety? Heck, variety is a word that Toyota hasn’t heard in 20 years! No sir, this Pontiac Executive offered variety, with this one having the always smooth, always trusty, and always favored Turbo Hydramatic!
“Speaking of variety, how about interior colors? Now, I know, these pictures were taken close to dark on a rainy day and I’ve had to lighten them for broadcast, but doesn’t that paint just sparkle like a diamond in a goat’s, uh, mouth? I swear, Pontiac had more colors on their palette in 1966 than Picasso ever thought about. Man, oh, man, would you believe they had 5 interior colors and 15, that’s right, count them, 15 exterior colors available for the Executive? Shoot, that’s more exterior colors than has ever been offered on any Honda! And, the inside was an absolute rainbow – unlike the gray or charcoal garbage available these days. Back then, people had fashion sense and good taste. What’s not to like about this Pontiac?
“This kind of deal won’t last long!
“So come on down to Honest Abe’s Used Car Emporium, Tire Shop, and Pool Supplies, located at 1060 West Addison, a short drive from anywhere. Be the envy of all your friends and neighbors when you pull to the curbside in this classic 1966 Pontiac Star Chief Executive! Just $199 down and $199 per month for only 36 months will get you in this fabulous and exclusive one owner ’66 Pontiac Executive. Don’t wait, these deals are hotter than a $2 pistol!!!”
Well, okay, maybe that just jumped out at me.