English was one of my favorite subjects in school, especially when it came to assignments involving colorful use of vocabulary and creative expression. I wasn’t a big reader (I’m still not), as I generally preferred to entertain myself by creating my own content, whether that meant writing short stories or keeping a journal. Still, I recognized the importance of many of my assignments which included reading, digesting, comprehending, and analyzing great literary works. Sometimes I’d connect personally with a book or poem, which added to the reward. Parts of Hermann Hesse’s Demian seemed both taboo and thrilling when I had first read it for humanities class as a high school senior. That book was my choice on a list of possibilities in the pre-internet age, so I had known nothing about it before reading it. It was a pivotal moment for me in understanding that not everything was black-and-white as my conservative parents would have had me believe.
Other English assignments had left me less impressed. I remember being annoyed by Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven. There’s this protagonist who is sad about the loss of his love, Lenore, and in flies this big, black bird that specializes in redundancy. To be clear, I don’t recall thinking at the time that it was the worst thing I had been assigned to read. A big plus was that I could understand the words and follow the story with just a moderate amount concentration, needing no one else to explain to me what was going on for the most part. The protagonist keeps asking this random, creepy bird questions, and the answer is always the same: “Nevermore”. Have you ever shaken one of those “magic eight ball” things, asked it questions, and repeatedly gotten answers that left you dumbfounded? That’s what I feel had been going on in this story. Why did the main subject seem to lose his marbles over this?
The whole story arc rated maybe a two out of ten on the believability scale, as we all know that ravens can’t talk… Wait. Wrong. They can! Corvids, or birds in the crow family that includes ravens, can talk and vocalize. They are highly intelligent, with some said to possess the brain capacity of a seven year old child, ranking just below non-human primates in that regard. They’re highly social, use tools to accomplish things, and have even been shown to be capable of doing basic math. In addition to this, they have insanely strong memories and have the ability to pass along grudges to their young. I am not kidding, and you can look this up yourself. For one example, if you try to harm a crow, it will teach others in its murder (a group of crows is, yes, called a “murder”) and its offspring to selectively poop all over, say, your prized Camaro sitting in the driveway.
As I have written before even just this year, I love birds. Even if I’m no ornithologist, I find all of these things about crows to be awe-inspiring and, quite frankly, terrifying. I would love to make friends with one and have the kind of interaction I’ve witnessed on YouTube videos between a crow or raven and a human. It has been only within the past year or so that I’ve learned that there are birds out there with not only advanced problem-solving and comprehension abilities, but possess these gifts in addition to all other qualities that are specific to birds, like the ability to fly, land, dive, grasp things, and so on. With this newfound knowledge, I have a more sympathetic view of both The Raven and its protagonist, as a talking, monotone, repetitive, tormenting bird with a deep voice would also have freaked me out. Somebody please turn the lights back on.
I captured these pictures of this road-going, black ‘Bird just over a year after the COVID pandemic had started, which would explain the t-tops-off / mask-on situation we see above. I would have been in the fifth grade when this Trans Am was new, and it was a dream car of mine and many of my peers. It wouldn’t even have occurred to me that Pontiac’s F-body was ostensibly in the same “ponycar” category as the Ford Mustang or Mercury Capri. No, the Firebird in all of its variants, along with the related Chevrolet Camaro, seemed of a different order, at least from an aesthetic perspective. These seemed elevated and more like four-seat Corvettes than Mustang competitors, much like corvids are not like other birds. It was only as an adult that I had learned that the base version of the blocker ’85 Mustang GT, which was about two hundred pounds lighter than the Trans Am, was almost two seconds faster to sixty miles per hour from rest, with a mid-six second time for the GT.
According to a license plate search, our featured car was originally built in Van Nuys, California and features a 305 cubic inch V8. I was unable to determine if this five-liter unit is the standard, 165-horsepower mill, or one of the high-performance versions with 190 hp, or the tuned-port injection option with 205 horses. (For comparison, the standard 302 V8 in the ’85 Mustang GT came with 210 hp.) Transmission options included a five-speed manual or four-speed overdrive automatic. Of the ~96,000 in total Firebird sales for ’85, the T/A’s 44,000 units accounted for almost 46%. The base-model Firebird hatch was slightly more popular, at 46,600 units. The S/E model, the ’80s equivalent of the Esprit, found but 5,200 takers in its penultimate year of being offered.
“Nevermore” applies to the Firebird, Trans Am, and the Pontiac brand, in general, which bowed out after the last G6 was produced in early 2010. Do I miss Pontiac? Absolutely. Does its absence lead me to solitary, destitute emotional places in which I would ask a bird questions? No, though I still will occasionally wonder what a new Pontiac would be like if engineers and stylists had been allowed to keep working (and yes, I’m aware of Roger Smith’s B-O-P consolidation of the early ’80s). Pontiac was always just so in-your-face that it would have seemed inconceivable to the boy I was at the time this car was new that there would not be another new Pontiac for sale all these almost-forty years later. I’ll keep hope alive as we inch closer to 2025 that I will get either that chance to drive an ’80s-vintage Trans Am or have an interaction with a crow or raven. Never say never.
Edgewater, Chicago, Illinois.
Sunday, April 4, 2021.
Factory brochure pages were sourced from www.oldcarbrochures.org.
A guy I used to know drove one of these in the early 90’s. It was a black Trans Am with T-tops, and pretty much the twin of this car. I had admired its good looks and one day an occasion came when he came by and picked me up for lunch. That ride changed my impression of these cars forever. I could not remember something that shook, shivered, squeaked and rattled more than that car. I still admire their looks, but have no desire to be counted among their owners.
“That ride changed my impression of these cars forever”
Same; I was convinced the ‘84 Z28 I was a passenger in must have had poorly repaired accident damage. Unwilling to offend the owner, I asked nothing and kept it moving. Further exposure taught me it was a feature, not a bug, and that Z wasn’t particularly obnoxious relatively speaking…
I still think they look great all these years later.
Totally agree about the looks. GM nailed the styling of both the Firebird and Camaro of this generation.
I got a Camaro as a rental on a business trip to Texas once, in about 1986. I had the same experience: a shocking lack of structural integrity, inside and out. Never mind the Playskool interior. But yes, it cornered well enough. It felt like an oversized toy car or go-kart. It was about as polar opposite to my 300E in every way possible.
I remember reading Consumer Guide reports for used cars and seeing the worst marks (black, filled-in circle) for both body hardware and body integrity for these cars. Even my 7th grade science teacher remarked about the poor apparent quality. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow. I didn’t realize Mrs. Lewis cared a thing about cars.”
I have never ridden in a third generation Pontiac G-Body, but have ridden in a couple of Camaros. I do remember them not seeming particularly tightly screwed together, but maybe I didn’t care at the time because they just seemed so cool. It I was signing on the dotted line for one, I’m sure I’d have cared a lot more. FWIW, my ’88 Mustang felt solidly put together.
EDIT: How could I forget? I had a high school friend who used to drive his stepdad’s ’83 (or so) Firebird and attempt neutral-drops in it. Good times.
Nice looking from certain angles, but way too much front overhang. That is one design feature that I am thankful is no longer prevalent among modern designs. The SUV trend helped by shining a spotlight on “angle of approach.”
Aesthetically, the overhang (to me) made for a much more overtly sporty, Corvette-like profile. I don’t know what it did for handling. I love the looks, but I’ve grown to like the looks of the same-generarion Fox Mustang as much.
The long overhangs front and rear made it look like a much larger car even though the wheelbase is only 0.5″ longer than that of the Fox Mustang
Just last week I saw a black 1980s Firebird as well. This one was an ’89 Formula (below)… which would have been my Firebird of choice had I somehow been forced to buy one. The F-body really didn’t appeal to me much when new, but I’ve softened since then. My brother-in-law used to have a ’95 Formula, which I drove on occasion, and even though it wasn’t my kind of car it was awfully fun. But will we ever see a car like that again? Nevermore.
I also disliked English in school – I vastly prefer non-fiction so reading novels, poems, etc. just didn’t appeal to me. Now that my kids are in high school, some of those memories have returned – I’m glad to be at a point in my life when no one compels me to read and “interpret” certain books.
I always admired the Formula’s comparatively all-business demeanor, though the Trans Am is undoubtedly iconic. And I was saying that I liked English – just wasn’t a fan of some assigned reading! The truth is that I’m reluctant to start a book, but when I do, I ask myself why I waited and have a hard time putting it down. 🙂
Incidentally, black Firebirds are etched into my brain when thinking about English classes. In college I had an outstanding English professor – among other things he was an excellent writing instructor. He also drove a black Firebird. And one of the examples that he used relentlessly in class (in the context of writing in interesting language) was to describe his own car as “a black ’79 Firebird with a crumpled front fender.”
He was also one of the only teachers/professors that I got a chance to thank later on. I visited my alma mater about a decade after I graduated and visited this professor, and thanked him for everything he’d done.
Eric, I am so thankful for those such teachers in my own life. And like you, I’m mindful to thank them from time to time. Their work is so important, and when they can elicit increased engagement from their students, it’s bonus points. I love his evel of description of the condition of his Firebird’s bodywork. LOL
I waffle on whether or not I’d want to see an F-body in my driveway every morning but my stance on them has softened significantly over the last decade or so. Especially the Firebird (as opposed to Camaro) and especially in later model but more basic trim with less gingerbread hanging off it. I can admire the shape now that it isn’t so ubiquitous anymore which I suppose happens to lots of us with many different cars over time and am starting to genuinely like the way the interior looks. Actually driving one or just getting in an out of one repeatedly may well put a firm damper on any actual desire (read as money changing hands), but I would surely have whipped the phone out of my pocket to snap the one you found as well.
I sort of miss the days when cars like these were all over. It’s definitely their absence that has made my heart grow fonder. It’s funny you mention ingress and egress, because I’m pretty sure I’d need to grip the a-pillar or brace myself against the seat cushion to get out comfortably.
I was a freshman in high school when these newly styled for 85 Firebirds debuted. The Hoff and Burt had me firmly in the Bird camp versus its sister Camaro and the less sophisticated, yet faster Mustang. I remember visiting the local Pontiac dealer with my parents and pouring over the same brochure you have depicted here.
Later in my college years I ended up buying an 85 Trans Am. Sadly it was just the standard 165hp LG4 and automatic, as most of them were..but it had t-tops! I’m betting the one you see here is similarly equipped. That 190hp L69 305 was a very rare option in 85 as it was being phased out by the 205hp TPI motor. It’s too bad the TPI was restricted to an automatic.
Further down my car owning path I became less smitten with the birds and found my way to a fox-an 85 Mustang GT to be exact. Not only was that car faster, but it was screwed together tighter, more comfortable to daily drive, and had more useful utility. Admittedly, it didn’t handle as well or have the panache of the TA, but it was still fun to slam gears and hear the Holley 4bbl open up.
One correction. The standard motor in the 85 Mustang GT was not the 180hp FI motor. It was the 210hp 4bbl 5.0. That FI (of the early throttle body type) was optional and only available with the automatic trans. You can only get the carb motor with a 5 speed.
Both great cars in their own right! And both better than a Camaro 😉
Sal, thank you for this – your impressions, memories, insights, and also the correction on the Mustang GT powerplant. To be honest, I was a bit confused when I had researched this before putting it together. I had just assumed (as I’m sure many would) that the higher HP Ford five-liter was the optional one. Whoops! I’m on my lunch break, so let me see if I can fix this text here right quick. Thanks again.
My pleasure. Thanks for taking the time to appreciate these cars and flood back my memories.
Rather difficult to find one (T/A) without T-Tops, option only adding noise, water and a softer structure to the whole .But I prefer the Cam I/Roc also without T-T and even the one only disguised with the discreet I/roc stripe set or simply a Z28 .
I’m always so torn about the t-tops. I so love them in theory and would have a tough time passing on a car with them for practical concerns. That said, the solid-roof cars have nearly flawless styling.
I’ve only had the pleasure of driving one of this generation F-bodies twice. The first time being an IROC-Z (’85 I think) with the 305, and a clapped out regular Camaro with the 3800 V-6 (I think that was what was under the hood).
The IROC was a blast, and it didn’t feel as bad structurally as you all say, but then it was brand new with about 500 miles on it. A buddy of mine that I worked with had just bought it and was showing it off and let me drive it.
The V-6 was just meh… and rattled like an old bus. It was a loaner while my T-Bird was in the shop. The car was probably about 8 years old at this point.
Put me in the Trans Am camp as far as looks go, and a dark color is a must. The black of the featured car, or that deep burgundy that these came in later in this generation would be nice. I wouldn’t kick a dark blue one out of my fantasy garage either.
As to the Raven, and living here in Baltimore, I must say I’m more of a fan of our football team which derives its name from this poem, than the poem itself. In the Ravens’ defensive heyday, we used to say to other teams, “Never Score”. 😉
Ah, yes – Baltimore! One metaphorical reference that somehow didn’t make it into my essay for today. Even if I’m not a sports guy per se, I do know of the Baltimore Ravens. I agree that the date colors look great on the sex but those white T/As also look terrific to me, especially with those color-coordinsted body accoutrements.
If you didn’t like Poe’s The Raven, maybe this is more your speed?
Alan Parsons Project, from 1976. Headphones advised.
I’ve always been a voracious reader, and discovered Poe outside of school, when I was about twelve. Bearing in mind that all his writing is creepy to a greater or lesser degree, The Raven is quite understandable. It’s classic Poe. Lately I’ve been ‘channelling my inner Poe’ in my stories, getting more of a creepy side if not as macabre as he was.
But there’s nothing like having to study a book in school to kill your interest in it. Being expected to regurgitate someone else’s opinions on what a book ‘means’, which you may not agree with, just to get a good grade? That has always struck me as almost dishonest, unethical somehow – okay, enough of that, I’ll get off that soapbox. I pretended, and got good grades…..
Being Australian, I have zero experience of these cars. Somehow this generation of Firebird always struck me as more appealling than the Chevrolet equivalent; the styling somehow just seemed to work better. And it certainly looks a different order of car to the Mustang. What a shame the structure couldn’t keep the promise of the styling.
Peter, thanks for putting this song on my radar. Earlier this summer, I acquired some Alan Parsons Project and have listened to it only a couple of times. Prog rock is one musical frontier I’ve recently discovered, and I like it.
I completely agree with you that having a homework assignment is often (not always, but sometimes) the quickest way to kill interest. Thankfully, I liked most of my English teachers some ennif I was a little salty about having been assigned to read something, I usually got over it before too much time.
I like both the Firebird and Camaro (don’t make me choose between my kids LOL), but yes – the Pontiac always had a little extra spice.
Subframe connectors and wonderbar do great things for the flex. These cars handle astonishingly well, and are a hoot to drive. People igo ga-ga when they see mine – not just 50yo, but also teenagers who are nuts for all things ‘80s. These keep getting better looking in my eyes, and are elevating to classic status. The interiors are not as bad as you remember, if well maintained. Here’s mine.
Yours is a beautiful example, and I especially like that you were able to tighten yours up, so to speak. Looks fantastic in that burgundy.
That’s the burgundy I was mentioning above! VERY SHARP car, and perfect with those Pontiac Snowflakes.
I read this on Nov 5, 2024.
Nevermore’s doom inferences seem apt, and I’m just flattened of any moral energy to try and make something amusing or vaguely insightful about your typically-excellent post, Joe.
Peace, all.
Grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous Firebird of yore!