Special thanks to Brendan Saur, my art director and collaborator on this piece.
NEW YORK CITY: General Motors announced yesterday the resurrection of the late Pontiac Aztek, this time as a Cadillac.
According to Cadillac head JoMama de Aspirin, “We’ve been without a small CUV/AWD/pup tent for much too long. The Aztek will fill that very significant gap in our lineup. Frankly, I’m amazed at how well its styling has stood the test of time. The Aztek fits in perfectly with our Art and Science design language.” Like all upcoming Cadillac models, the “Caztek”, will wear an alphanumeric badge. WTF-4 is reportedly under serious consideration.
Gillette-tuned suspension is designed to prevent close shaves while cornering
de Aspirin added that the new vehicle will feature a suspension tuned by Gillette. “We are all quite impressed by their Flexball technology, and the way it hugs facial contours. We intend to carry that (Flexball) technology over to road handling.” As a result, the suspension will feature five axles, an industry first. “Our studies show that versus two axles, five axles gives a much closer and smoother handling experience”, de Aspirin continued. The new vehicle also features the first use of Microsoft Windows in a car. According to a Cadillac spokesman who spoke off the record, “Drivers will have to get used to a few changes. The Windows operating system will run only on compatible roads, and the vehicle will occasionally quit for no apparent reason. However, it’s something that owners can fix by restarting it.” The new CUV also features a unique anti-theft system, internally referred to as “the exterior styling”.
Mid-century design meets state-of-the-art technology
More GM firsts are found throughout the interior, which was designed in cooperation with Ikea. Some initial assembly by the owner will be required, but Cadillac intends to provide easy-to-understand picture instructions and a combination wrench/screwdriver. Ikea will also supply the batteries (yes, there are two) under their Delkö brand. Of particular interest is the IKEA-designed instrument panel, which Cadillac says “recalls the mid-century aesthetic” in its design and function.
The port fuel-injected NorthPole V8
Under the hood will be Cadillac’s snow-cooled North Pole engine with port fuel injection, which requires adding a bottle of Port to the fuel tank every 500 miles.
“Cadillac ownership should be an in-tents experience”, says de Aspirin.
Another collaboration involves the optional pup tent, designed by Eddie Bower. “We couldn’t afford to hire Eddie Bauer, but we found several Eddie Bowers in the phone book, and, wouldn’t you know, one of them happened to be a tailor.”, said de Aspirin. “He ran up some samples up and we liked what we saw.”
Aretha and Crest
Each owner will receive a gift from Cadillac after their purchase. According to a spokesman, “We wanted to remind owners of the Cadillac wreath-and-crest heritage, and we think this complimentary purchase bonus bespeaks that quite well.” The vehicle’s ad campaign will build on a recent Cadillac television spot that quotes (an uncredited) Teddy Roosevelt, this time quoting Franklin Roosevelt’s “A day that will live in infamy” speech.
The “Caztek” is scheduled to make its debut at the 2015 Pasadena Auto Show. “As the gateway to Glendale, Pasadena is a hotbed of art and science, and thus an ideal venue”, explained de Aspirin. “Besides, there are so many hip, trendy restaurants there. What better place to reach hip, trendy people who eat food? I like food.”