Bailiff: All rise! Honourable Judge Paul Niedermeyer presiding.
Judge Niedermeyer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Automotive Tribunal has referred three new witnesses in the case of The People versus Japanese Retro cars, alternatively known as Japanese Retro Cars versus Good Taste and Common Decency. The prosecution has the floor. May it wipe it well with these atrocious vehicles, which have waived the right to an attorney. A right they did not have in the first place, as they are witnesses, I guess. Anyway, let the re-trial begin. Mr Tatra, if you please…
T87: Thank you, your Eugeneness. Without further ado, let’s call the first witness. Please state your production date, make and model for the record.
French Bus: Well, originally, it was 2005-15 Suzuki Every, but I go by French Bus these days.
T87: Duly noted. Please describe – in your own words – how this change of identity came about.
File photo: An unmolested Suzuki Every (on the right)
French Bus: I was made at the Suzuki factory, just like thousands of my cohort. We are kei vans. Rear wheel drive, front-mid engine, all alloy 3-cyl., 660cc and 49 hp (64 hp for turbocharged models). Some of us are 4WD, some have manual transmission and some were sold as Mazda Scrum and as Mitsubishi Minicab, but we are all 99% similar on the outside. At least, initially.
T87: Good. That’s all in order. But forgive me, I cannot see a Suzuki badge anywhere on your body. In fact, I’m seeing some very non-Japanese branding here.
French Bus: Yes, that is true. I had an operation. My entire front end was taken off and a new one put in its place. My rear panel too. It was… it was.. *sob*
T87: Please continue. Would you like a glass of unleaded?
French Bus: Thank you… sorry, I’ll try to compose myself… Anyway, there I was, shortly after my birth, at a local body shop that I didn’t know from Adam. My owner dropped me off there along with a mysterious collection of boxes in my loading area. The body shop guy opened them, and I saw corrugated panels, a strange-looking tall grille, old-style fenders, big chromed headlamps…
T87: One might even say “Frog-eyed”….
French Bus: Ha! Nobody’s ever said that one before.
File photo: Suzuki Carry with a similar affliction
T87: Sorry if that was a bit too on the nose. Speaking of which, am I correct in assuming that this kit included two chromed chevrons, such as one might find on classic Citroëns H vans, only much smaller and badly designed?
French Bus: Correct you are. The kit was manufactured by a company in Osaka that specializes in this kind of thing. They do all sorts of types – VW Transporter, Ford Econoline, Ford F100, Alfa AR6, UaZ… They even do kits based on cars, such as the ’57 Chevy Bel-Air or the Austin Mini, but still adapted to all types of kei vans.
T87: Good gracious, this is absolute madness.
French Bus: Yes indeed. So all these GRP bits were bolted on and my body was repainted a garish colour. I am now working on the streets… as a food truck… a “French” food truck, whatever that means in Japan…
T87: Foie gras dipped in soy sauce?
French Bus: The thing is, it’s too late for me now, I’m used to the life. The scalding hot coffee, the croissant crumbs, the cookie crumbles… The carefree Left-Bank raconteurs and bon-vivants yapping away about existentialism to bored women in stylish hats…
T87: Please now, French Bus. Let’s not pretend like you’re living in a ‘50s Parisian cliché.
French Bus: But that’s what I was made to look like. Even my rear end says so.
T87: Yes, but that is not what you are. Your DNA is as oriental as the rising sun and you’re not even FWD. And put out that Gauloise this instant, this is a CCourtroom, not a café!
French Bus: Merde… Er, sorry, I got carried away.
T87: This impersonation was forced upon you, I understand. This scourge of retro kit-makers has been going on for nigh on three decades now, and you are not the first to have fallen victim to these nefarious individuals. Can you see them anywhere in this CCourtroom?
French Bus: Er, well no. They’re in Osaka, I just told you.
T87: Oh, so you did, yes. What are they called?
French Bus: Calstage Co., Ltd. They do some customizations themselves in-house, but they also ship their kits all over the country. The kits can be adapted to several kei and non-kei vehicles, new or second-hand. None of the kit applies to my interior, which is as bone-stock as they come. At least I still have that intact.
T87: So there are many unfortunate disfigured vehicles like yourself out there?
French Bus: Thousands. You know how pervasive the kawaii craze is in Japanese culture, Tatra-san.
T87: Ka-why am I not surprised? This is all kinds of wrong. And we cannot lay blame at any OEM’s feet. For once, they are not guilty. Thank you, French Bus. You may step down.
T87: In summation for this first day, M’lud, I believe we must widen our investigation of the JDM retro craze beyond the established car manufacturers that this CCourt had so rightly smitten with the impartial hand of Justice behind the Automotive woodshed but two years ago, in our original trial. Not that OEMs should be let off the hook, mind you, your Lordship Sir, but the issue as seen on the streets and parking lots of Japan is one that warrants the CCourts full attention…
Judge PN: That’s all well and good, CCounsel, but I’ve had my fill of these endless proceedings and your bad puns. I’m off for a hike or ten. Tell the rest to Judge Klein.
T87: Er… OK, well, the CCourt is adjourned then, I suppose.
Judge PN: It sure is. And take that so-called French Bus with you on your way out.
Related posts:
CC Outtake: Suzuki Carry Mini-Me VW Bus, by PN
The (First) Japanese Retro Trial (Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3), by T87
I just love this – except for the “hoods” on the headlights (not very pedestrian friendly).
Brilliant writing!
I’m surprised they haven’t done a Divco, or an old IH Metro. Those would seem to fit nicely on the Every.
Plenty of these as the store truck for cafes and restaurants out here in western Jaypan. At least they’re less boring than the original designs.
From a photo it looks kinda like a Citroen H van but up close the size gives it away like the VW Kombi clone they are really tiny, for some unknown reason several have washed up here
Any time I see a real Citroen H van it also looks much smaller than I expect….
This was cute. The article, that is, not the van. Although I do dig the colour. The VW Bus one though is kind of adorable in a silly, incongruous way.
I’m sensing a hung jury in this trial.
These customized vehicles are so incredibly peculiar they can easily be acquitted based on charm alone. And to me (with virtually no knowledge of Japanese culture), they’re quite contradictory to the widely typecast image of Japan as being a formal, high-stress and highly traditionalist nation.
I love the Calstage website. To think that these kei vans are routinely transformed into faux mini Econolines, Citroëns, vintage Honda trucks, etc… is just mind-boggling.
And one more thing that I can’t quite figure out is what the economics are of these conversions. I couldn’t judge the cost of these kits from the Calstage website, but I’m assuming at least a million yen (US$10,000) apiece?
But then there’s the resale aspect. Given the Japanese tendency to keep vehicles for only a few years and then send the cars abroad to be sold, what happens to these things? I can’t really see used faux Citroën vans roaming around New Zealand, Fiji, Vladivostok or other JDM-intensive export markets. And if there’s indeed minimal export value to them, then the resale value would plummet… meaning that the original million-yen investment suddenly got a lot more expensive.
I would love to figure all of these stuff out, but for now, I’ll just enjoy the pictures. And I’m glad I’m not the judge here.
Humor is always a good way to start the day.
” … your Eugeneness..”
I agree with Jaypanguy, these special van versions are the oregano in this pizza pie of life. They spice up the day.
The full kit with front and back is about $2000 US, the front only is about $1500. So not really too bad. Most of the ones I see seem to be used by businesses, and they often keep vehicles a long time, so I doubt resale is an issue. What really blows me away is that the French look is only the tip of the iceberg…you can get kits to make your Suzuki look like a UAZ, or an F150, or a whole host of bizarre choices.
Thanks… that’s interesting. Even assuming that the $2,000 kit doesn’t include installation, that’s less than what I expected. And the resale value perspective is interesting too.
That Calstage website is addictive… I never would have dreamed there would be so many styles of this type available. Nor would I guess that very many people in Japan would be familiar enough with vehicles like a Citroën H-van or a 1970s Dodge to actually want a reproduction of one, but maybe that doesn’t matter much.
I should make it clear I’ve never seen anything but the “French” van or the “VW” vans in the metal….was amazed to see the others on the site. I doubt many Japanese would have a clue what most of those are.
Most hilarious and excellent court proceeding that exceed John Grisham’s writing!
By the way, Suzuki isn’t only one getting the cosmetic surgery. Some of Citroën Jumper/Relay (based on Fiat Ducato) have the retro kit resembling H Van surgically attached to their bodies. This company offers a retro kit not only for one variation but several variations of Jumper/Relay, including food truck, mini bus, etc.
https://www.typeh.eu/
I saw one in Munich parked in front of Boulangerie DOMPIERRE, a French bakery (go figure!).
Amazing! And I like it. well, maybe not the color. By the way, in a partial CC Effect, I saw a Citroen parked on the street in a busy commercial area in my town yesterday. Definitely not of Japanese origin: it was a gray Traction Avant. No picture, but my first thought was wondering if CC would run a Citroen related post soon, so I could claim CC Effect. So thanks T87. And just as a reminder, I’m in California where seeing a Citroen (other than my neighbor’s DS) is at best an annual occurrence.
I find these vintage van conversions, Japanese or French, to be quite humorous, so no indictments from me.
Now on to my hike. And here’s what I’m driving to the trailhead.
You should do it! I think it looks great and it certainly would be unique.
Ahhh, the Ram Fauxmaster. 🙂
Ok, someone has to step in for the defense of this poor van. Clearly someone did this to it – is it the little Suzuki’s fault if some miscreant with a set of wrenches and $2k to spend wants to dress it up like a Frenchman? Do we go off on the poor little dogs that their owners festoon with all kinds of silly costumes much to their embarrassment?
I would argue that there has been no evidence that the van has acquiesced to this maltreatment, and is therefore not blameworthy. Besides, it is underage.
I like it. Any chance one of those can cross the Pacific and make it across the US? Yes, I like vans. A tiny van like this, to go along with my Kia Sedona would be a hoot.
I occasionally still see these retrofits in the US. J.C. Whitney used to sell the kits?
Yes, among others. About 1990 I had my 1940 Ford at a car show/swap meet. As my buddy and I were walking away we seen two teenagers looking at the car. One of them exclaimed “Hey, that looks like one of those customized VW’s!” We just kept walking.
Forgot to add I’d like the ’56 Ford F100 version Suzuki. I can understand the dress up kits though, that is one ugly vehicle in stock form, or just not my cup of tea, to be a little kinder.
Very clever! In both respects. Looking forward to seeing/reading more, T87, Japan seems to be agreeing with you…
I am loving these posts from Japan!
A European version of a modern Citroen made into a retro H.
And a real one.
I think this is a Dream Factory Blow kit, like my personal favorite Japanese retro Kei trucks, the Suzuki Wagon R based 67-72 Chevy conversions.
Wouldn’t it be cool to live in an alternate reality where an American company made a kit to convert older S10’s or Ford Rangers into Toyota Stout lookalikes? Or turn Wranglers into FJ40 clones?
Oh, here I say, T, steady on.
Mightn’t be One Of Us, but she’s clearly a near-relative, even if on the distaff side. Bit of respect and all that, what.
Must confess one thoroughly enjoyed one’s friend’s east-Asian Old Bailey imaginings, even if as provided by one (much) descended from the losers at Agincourt.
What.
World’s Cutest Food Truck is what they should have made it.
Have it sell only horderves sized versions of food truck specialities.