CC Goes To The Silver Screen: How Does A 1997 Mercury Sable Fare In The Zombie Apocalypse?

We all know how the third gen Taurus/Sable fared in the mid-size marketplace after its introduction. But what happens when the both the auto industry and the entire world collapse? How will our curbside classics perform in that brave new world?

By all accounts, AMC’s strategy of investing large sums of money into their television series has paid off quite handsomely. Mad Men successfully parades its own dashing man (Jon Hamm) and woman (the vivacious Christina Hendricks) around a 1960s ad agency. The Walking Dead  features characters struggling to live day-to-day in post-society Georgia. So what happens when a protagonist ventures out in a car all by her lonesome? (Warning: Spoilers ahead).

    When her husband’s search party fails to return from its search for another AWOL character within a reasonable time, Lori sets out in this beige, third-generation Sable to track them down.

 But what do you do while trying to find the location of your husband and others in an unfamiliar area? Apparently, you look at a map as you drive. Take a gander at the road ahead for some obvious foreshadowing.

  Bam! Lori’s lack of common sense sends the Sable straight into…a human? Let’s find out:

The episode ended with Lori’s stupidity sending her flying off the road with her poor car hanging precariously on its side. On to the beginning of  the next one:

Its nighttime now, and an injured Lori looks quite incapacitated. But what about that person (?) she hit?

Definitely undead, and completely aware of the tasty flesh resting in the drivers seat.

Uh oh. Mr. Zombie (or ‘walker’, in the parlance of the show) isn’t going to let some tempered glass get between him and a meal.

She’s awake! And not exactly thrilled to be in her current position.

The walker keeps coming. Get out of there, Lori!

Too late! The walker grabs her by the hair.

Is this the end for our protagonist? There are few options at this point…

But wait, what’s this? Why, it’s the turning stalk/windshield wiper controller combo!

Lori takes a firm grasp of the stalk…

…and promptly dispatches the threat. At this point, the stalk looks like its gone full-CGI.

Whew! That was a close call. Note the Mercury badge in the foreground; some good directing, if you ask me.

Oh God, not another walker!

Time to get away! But is Lori grasping for something beyond her reach?

Ah, yes! An errant alloy rim, perfect for smashing walkers in the face.

Lori readies the improvised walker-fighting device…

…and the walker is KO’d.

Still, it wasn’t enough. Walker number two continues as a threat. What is she gonna do now?

A pistol! It’s a quite effective way to stop the undead, but it’s back in the car. Also, did the rear seats just vanish after the accident? Personal experience with those 60/40 seats tells me they wouldn’t completely disengage so easily after an accident.

Here. We. Go. Lori is tucked inside the lopsided trunk of the Sable, gun in hand. The undead fellow continues his advance, hoping to get a nice midnight snack from (or of) the pretty lady.

The aftermath: Lori exercises her post-apocalyptic second amendment rights and puts that sucker down, all while inside the spacious trunk of a third-gen Sable.

The danger gone, Lori now contemplates her surroundings. There’s no sign of anyone, anywhere. Now she must venture into the unknown with one less bullet and one less car.

So what’s the takeaway here? Even after a Sable dies, it can be resurrected as a walker-fighting machine.