CC Capsule: 1974 Ford Pinto: The Pinto Sprouts A Shelf Butt (And More )

Yes, the seventies were a cruel decade for cars. It was bad enough that engines were strangled by the Rube Goldbergian smog-reduction contraptions, killing ignition advance being one of the more retarded tactics. But then along came 1974, the year of the five-mile bumper standard. Some manufacturers put a bit of effort into integrating them; others didn’t. The Pinto falls solidly in the latter camp: the result was a shelf butt of remarkable crudity, but maybe you’re you’re into that sort of thing. It had its compensations though: very convenient as a refreshment stand: a low altitude bar, or serving tray always at hand for your milk and cookies.

That is, unless you don’t like bringing your Pinto into the house. But there are solutions for that too.

Of course, the front end got the same treatment. What shall we call that, in anatomical terms? Oh wait: google. Let’s try “shelf chest”

Hmm; that won’t do. Let’s try something else, a bit more explicit:

“Shelf tits” Yes. That’ll work. Now she was number one in google’s mysterious ranking algorithms, but number four is in many ways much more compelling. google always knows best; we assume. “Do you take milk with your tea?”

So can we say that that after three years, the Pinto had matured sexually? That’s almost in line with real live Pintos. Maybe Ford should have changed its name to Mare.

Just as a frame of reference, here’s how the Pinto’s arse looked, in its svelte foalhood. Don’t stare so long, you ponyphile! Now if it had a proper five-mile shelf bum-per, it wouldn’t have bent its little delicate little tail.

And the front too, before the hormones kicked in. That’s a mere training bra up there. And btw, here’s my CC on that 1971 Pinto. I highly recommend it; natch. And I’ll wait ’till you’re back.

So since we’ve now already covered everything between the Pinto’s new sexual prow-ess and boot-y before, we’ll skip all the rest of this one. Why waste precious time and energy on redundancy? It’s not like the parts in between got any better either. More like the opposite.