A carburetor walks into a bar, hops up on a stool, says “Gimme a beer and a shot of whiskey!”, and proceeds to put a shaft, a lever, a plate, and a bimetallic spring on the bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of choke?”
(Thanks! Thank you! I’m in town all week. Try the chicken!)
Every day there are fewer and fewer people who’d get this joke, so I’m glad it sprang to mind while the risk of having to duck thrown objects for it is still high enough to be worthwhile. I’m not the only one, either; the redoubtable Tex Avery was known to drop a stink bomb like this every now and then.
How ’bout you, got any jokes that will pass into obscurity as old-car knowledge dies off?
Ok, I’ll bite …
Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm.
Says to the bartender: “I’ll take a beer, and one for the road.”
Daniel, I’m thinking your joke might even work better if you replaced generic whisky with the brand Fireball ?
I drove an electric car back in the sixties and never had to worry about charging it up. The only trouble was after the first hundred feet, the extension cord would pull out of the outlet.
Taking an idea from the toy industry, GM built a car that they drove from New York to LA using no fuel at all – after they pushed it backwards from Detroit to wind it up.
Anything involving breaker points is pretty obscure these days. Even the bimetallic strip is more theoretical than real for me since almost all of my carburetor experience is with motorcycles, small engines, and imported cars with manual chokes.
What did the black box say to the distributor? “You’re pointless!”
Old bumper sticker:
Q: Why do the English drink warm beer?
A: Because they have Lucas refrigerators.
Oh, geeze, if we’re going down that road it’s going to be a milk run because we’ll have to stop at every damn address:
• If Lucas made guns, wars wouldn’t start
• Why don’t the British build computers? They haven’t figured out how to make ’em leak oil.
• What were Lucas’ last words to his wife on his deathbed? “Don’t drive at night!”.
• Have you seen the Lucas 3-position switch? Yeah, off-flicker-dim.
• …
yep.
Hah! I was wondering if someone was gonna make reference to that. For those who haven’t seen it before (or want to see it again), the eBay auction text and pics are archived here.
Actually, WW2 British aircraft DID use Lucas electrics. (I saw a Spitfire cockpit, and every gauge was Lucas.)
“Why don’t the British build computers? They haven’t figured out how to make ’em leak oil.”
There’s a ’90s Land Rover Discovery parked in front of a house a couple of blocks from mine. It’s always got a drip pan under it.
As a point of fact, though, the British did make computers. See Sinclair Research: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinclair_Research
Joseph Lucas: Father of the intermittent windshield wiper.
Joseph Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.
Lucas Electrics: The original anti-theft device.
That was good. The “Prince of Darkness” strikes again!
I also once asked somebody to translate Prince of Darkness into Italian, for Joe Lucas’ cousin Giuseppe Luccasi, Il Principe de Scurato, who worked at Marelli.
I love it! Simple, Perfect!
Jumper cable walks into a bar, bartender says “Hey, we don’t serve your type in here!” Jumper cable says ” C’mon, I won’t try to start anything, I promise!”
You hit us with all 4 barrels….
What’s the opposite of the Popemobile?
The Anti-Chrysler.
+1
Husband comes home from work and greets his lovely wife.
Hubby: “Hi honey, how was your day”
“Dear I had some car trouble, It won’t start. I think there’s water in the carburetor”
“Oh honey, that’s okay. I’m happy that you know what the problem is. We’ll fix it. Where’s the car?”
“In the lake”
There once was a duffer named Rog;
Who putted inside his garage.
Until one day of late,
When he met his sad fate;
When his wife ran him down with her Dodge.
(one my Dad used to tell when we were young)
Great stuff here ~
Thanx for the Tex Avery link too .
-Nate
Y’welcome. That linked film has a fair number of jokes that aren’t funny any more because we’ve most of us figured out it’s rude and hurtful to mock half the world’s population for being female or to make fun of people for not being white Americans. But some of the jokes still hold up, and the one I’ve cued up in the link cracks me up every time (because of course it does).
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
»chortle«
[Obligatory pedantic remark about how 2-door sedans are also a thing]
Welll, aaaaaaactually, [Obligatory pedantic remark about how 4-door hardtops are also a thing, too]
An Edsel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “So why the long face?”
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi.
Before climate change in Japan, it used to rain Datsun cogs.
There once was a man from Boston,
who bought himself a new Austin.
There was room for his ass,
and a gallon of gas,
but his balls fell out and he lost them.
teehee! reading that one in my head with a strong Boston accent
Eleanor, I heard you bought a new car?
I did Hazel, I got a Falcon.
Eleanor, I bought a new car too, but I think I got a fair deal.
We were down by the old Model T
The first time she showed it to me
It was furry and black, and she said it was a crack
But it looked like a rodent in her lap to me.
The Tex Avery piece reminds me of another postwar car toon:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pxap-M_–k
Gotta love the Sterling Holloway narration . . . and the 1952 street scenes ?
“Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA”
A man goes to visit his doctor,
“Doc, I’ve got a rather embarassing problem, my farts just don’t sound right,”
“Well how do they sound?” enquires the doctor.
“They make a HONDA sound”
The doctor looks puzzled, “Hmm, is there anything else I should know?”
“Well I also have a terrible boil on my ass,” replies the man
The doctor looks pleased, “Thats it then. We’ll lance that boil and you’ll see a difference immediately,”
“Why’s that then, Doc?” asks the man
“It’s well known,” laughs the Doctor, “Abscess makes the fart go Honda.”
“Fits Most Models.”
Okeh, now that is funny—especially so because it was put out (or at least it was carefully made to look as though put out) by Royze, who are still a going concern.
At the 1st shop I worked at we had a similar thing hanging on the peg board behind the work bench that was for most Toyotas.
Along those lines, I saw a dummy hand grenade at a Harley dealer labeled Japanese Motorcycle Repair Kit.
Just a suggestion, but I am sure someone here could easily make a lymric of of Ford, Lord, and horde.
I do not possess the skills without resorting to filth in this scenario…
*clears throat*
I once knew a bloke with a Ford,
Well actually he had quite a horde
Most would run,
And some were fun,
But as for the Pinto, my lord…
Best I could do! 😉
That is amazing! I kept trying to rhyme seat into that. It goes south quick..
I say you won this whole thread managing to fit Pinto into any of it! Then I think of your love of Laurel and it rhymes with squirrel… My problems!
Amen
There once was a company named Nissan,
Whose marketing team wouldn’t listen
They named a car Laurel
Which caused quite a quarrel
And ultimately resulted in frisson!
Now, my Laurels are dearly departed,
Because from Nissan I’ve parted.
I bought a Sierra,
It’s quite a good steerer
But classic Fords aren’t for the faint-hearted!
And for that rhyming effort I’d like to thank New Zealand’s Stoneleigh Pinot Noir, a glass of which I’ve just enjoyed before dinner. Actually ‘Noir’ and ‘dinner’ could be made to almost rhyme… 😀
I would like to thank you Mr. Scott.
With these jokes you say, maybe not..
As much as that’s true
With jokes that you do,
those cars will end up on a lot.
Jerry Reed did. https://youtube.com/watch?v=4jOMcAlO7rQ
There once was feller drove Ford
Said: “money, it’s saved me a horde”
Now it’s all been spent,
As my arm the crank hath bent
Yet I’m thankful to’ve not met my Lord
Remember JERRY REED’s hit song from 1973 (or ’75 . . . can’t remember for certain without looking it up) called “LORD, MR. FORD”? 😀
A spry elderly gentleman told me this one at an antique car show years ago:
If you pick her up in a Kaiser,
you’ll surprise her
If you pick her up in a Frazer,
you’ll amaze her
But if you pick her up in a Tucker..
….
Man, now I’m wondering what happens if you pick her up in a Buick.
You’ll pu-ek?
I cackled!
Damn you
I was battling a muscle that was impacting a sciatic nerve last night making things quite painful. This morning it seemed to have quieted down and maybe I could get through work today. Then I read your little ditty which made me crack up.
Ouch!!!
Oh, very good!
Going along with the thme, I made this one up years ago in High School. Eleventh grade Advanced English class. Poetry day…
There once was a man who was bored
So he went to bed and he snored
He dreamt of old Chevys
And big Mopar Hemi’s
That he beat with his Mustang by Ford
Cue the crickets… Nobody got it. Except the teacher. She gave me an “A” on the project.
That’s a good one.
Truth is stranger than fiction. LoL
(With apologies to our friends from Newfoundland)
Jim the Newfie was walking down the street in Toronto when his friend from down east pulled up to him driving a brand new Lexus.
Jim said “Hey buddy, where did you get this sweet ride?”
Buddy replied “It was the strangest thing, I was walking down Wellesley St, when this beautiful blonde pulled up to me in this car. She asked ‘Hey, are you looking for a date?’
I said ‘Sure’, and got in. She drove to a quiet spot, took off her panties, threw them in the back seat and said ‘Newfie you can have anything you want.’ So I took the car.”
“Smart choice” said Jim, “those panties probably wouldn’t fit you.”
Paid!
Jim the Newfie flies to Toronto where his cousin Wally picks him up in his new Cadillac.
Jim is amazed at all the bells and whistles, and asks the function of each one. They go through the automatic wipers, speed control, power seats and windows, and so on.
Finally Jim pulls out the ashtray, and sees that it’s full of golf tees. He says, “And Wally, what’re dese here t’ings fer?”
Wally replies “Oh, those are tees – they hold your balls while you’re driving.”
Jim pauses, and then says “Goodness me, dis car sure does have all the options!”
A mechanic walks into a bar, hops up on a stool, says “Gimme a beer and a shot of whiskey!”, and proceeds to put a u-joint, some C-clips, and a large splined piece on the bar. The bartender asks, “What is this, some kind of a yoke?”
Carburetor comes from the French word Carburateur, which means a controlled gas leak.
I see, unlike “stepson” which in our place means “an uncontrolled gas leak”.
A priest, a rabbi and a heat riser are sitting on the panel at a symposium. The moderator asks, “All right. Who would like to open?”
A dipstick and an oil cup are sitting in a bar when a grease fitting they know comes in and joins them. The grease fitting goes on a tirade of insults and slurs. After a few minutes the other two have had enough and get up to leave, saying “Why do you always have to be such a Zerk.”
A pirate, with a steering wheel in his pants walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey buddy, you know you got a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate says, “Arrrgh, I know Matey, it drives me nuts!”
A bad joke made worse by drinking coffee as I got to the punch line!
Ouch!!!
HAHA! Oldie but brilliant, love it.
What’s a carburetor’s favorite movie? Ace Venturi, Pet Detective.
What’s a carburetor float? Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer and a carburetor.
Why has no carburetor ever hit a home run in the World Series? They always choke in cold weather.
Aren’t you sorry you started this Daniel? 🙂
A clogged fuel injector walks into a bar, hops up on a stool, says “Gimme a beer and a shot of whiskey!”, and proceeds to put a piston with stuck rings, and a valve caked with deposits up on the bar. The bartender asks, “What is this, some kind of coke?”
Thanx to everyone for all the ‘groaners’ .
It’s about time we had some levity here .
-Nate
I think you have to have at least 2 glass of wine to really enjoy most of these jokes.
This has brought a smile to my face today! You guys have some good ones!
Ditto; had some therapeutic laughs. I’m terrible with jokes, so I can’t really add anything additional.
A forlorn brake drum and a spring walk into a bar to order a drink. Bartender asks “lost your shoes?”
I thought he was going to say “No shoes, no service.” 🙂
Then the customer padded out on his bare feet.
Leaf and Coil spring into a bar together. Then, MacPherson struts in.
And no one was shocked.
?
When he asked for some Caster Oil.
And just then an old bag shouted “we need air in here”
It was at this point the undercover detective said, “You three are sprung”.
Crankshaft walks into a bar with eight friends to order a round of drinks. As the bartender makes the order something flies past his head and smashes the mirror next to him. Bartender turns around and yells ” what did I tell you about throwing those things!”
And afterwards for penance, he had to go home and write in his journal.
A penguin’s driving down the highway when his engine starts sputtering and smoking. He pulls off at the next exit and finds the nearest garage, tells the mechanic what happened and the mechanic says “Give me 10 minutes to look at it.”
The penguin notices an ice cream shop across the street. Because he has to waste a little time, he goes over and gets himself an ice cream cone. Given that penguins just have those little flippers, eating the cone proves to be a little messier than for a person, but he finishes his cone and heads back to the garage, where he asks the mechanic what’s wrong with the car.
The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin wipes off his face and says, “Oh, no, that’s just ice cream.”
Best!
-GROAN- .
-Nate
(let’s keep it sweet, Pete)
This is so much fun, I just had to come back tonight for some more. Then I remembered this one….
A snail walks in to a Nissan dealer.
The salesman asks “How can we help you today?
“Well,” the snail replies, “I just LOVE those sleek sports cars you have.”
“Oh, you mean the 350Z?” (or, enter any Z mode here)
“Yes, that’s it. They’re Beautiful. I’ll take that one right over there”
“Well Okay! Nice choice, Sir. Let’s write up the papers.”
“There is one modification you can do for me…” adds the snail. “I’d like you to take the Z badges off the car and replace them with S badges. Can you do that?”
“Uh, sure we can,” offered the puzzled salesman.
An hour later, the deal was done, and snail drove off the lot with a big grin on his face.
The salesman gazed in amazement, and exclaimed, “Wow, look at that S-car go!”
P lan
O n
N umerous
T rips
I n
A nother
C ar
G arage
M an’s
C ompanion
E very
D ay
S ales
E ven
L ower
A friend of mine is addicted to drinking brake fluid.
One day I asked if he thought that was dangerous.
He said, “probably but I can stop anytime I want”
C heap
H eavy
E ngine
V ibrates
R usts
O ut
L oses
E ngine
T iming
Can
Hear
Every
Valve
Rap
On
Long
Extended
Trips
-Nate
Gosh, anything to do with air-cooled Volkswagens. I’m 32 but as you all know by now those cars are my life and I have to joke around with older people (or the VW enthusiasts my own age) I order for it to be understood.
Also, there’s a whole generation who don’t get Yugo jokes. That makes me sad.
A breather cap walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What do you want to drink”? The breather cap says “Nothing to drink; I’m just here to blow off steam . . . “.
A staggering drunk happens across a car with its hood up and the owner looking puzzled.The drunk asks “what seems to be the trouble with your car, sir”? The owner replies piston broke.
The old lush laughs and says “that’s funny so am I”.
Have you heard about the new Ford Pubic?
It’s made from recycled Corsairs….
Hit man winds up in hospital with extremely bad burns both on his lips and inside his mouth.
His boss ordered him to blow up the car.
6 days late and this is the best I can do…