eBay Find: 2001 Mercury Sable – The Stuff Of Nightmares


Have you ever lost sleep from something not explicitly designed to frighten you? When I was ten, the aliens from Mars Attacks, and their human melting death rays, kept me up at night for several weeks. This Sable clown car isn’t quite as grotesque as those famous martians, but it’s certainly not the last image I want on my mind before bedtime.


Despite its looks, this Mercury is apparently in good shape. The engine runs smoothly for something that likely runs on children’s tears, and the transmission shifts just fine. Plus, that wing has got to add about twenty horsepower, right? The real question is: what does that translate to in clown power?


Every rose has its thorn however, and this Sable is no different. The check engine light is on. I’m guessing if you used a code reader on it the message would simply read “kill me,” since there is no way this car still has the will to live. Oh, and the entire back seat is missing, replaced by what looks to be two pairs of athletic shorts being draped over the hole to the trunk for some semblance of privacy. What unholy things were happening back there we may never know, but it’s clear that this professional clown should have opted for a wagon.


The insanity continues up front, with custom seat covers and paint over everything you need to touch, save the shifter. I’m guessing when you’re already covered in paint, matters like stains on your hands and arms become trivial. By far the worst part of this area is this scenario: when you drive this car, there is always a clown right behind you. Truly frightening.


Even the doors weren’t spared, although I’d hesitate to call this a “clownification,” if you will. The zebra motif impressively extends to all parts of the door: window buttons, rubber moldings, and even the painted metal between the plastic door panels. This professional clown was nothing if not thorough.

If you want to see more of the madness that is this vehicle click here. Upon clicking, you’ll learn that this vehicle was a trade-in, so two questions remain: what monetary value could the appraiser possibly assign to this car, and what was it replaced with? Let me know what you think in the comments.

Related reading: 2006 Ford Taurus – Nobody’s Hero