The Bearcat Convertible
The IV Porte Sedan
The Royale Limousine
Expensive design process, inspired by the nasal inhalation of kilograms of Columbian Marching Powder, is clearly evident here. The protruding pseudo radiator and the hybrid 1960s 1930s aesthetic makes the Edsel a paragon of the carossier’s art. The Pseudo-BEARCAT insults a noble name. This petit bourgeois abomination out-uglies ugly. It reminds me of the murdering pimp’s chariot in the opening scenes of “MAGNUM FORCE”, and merits a similar cylinderful of 155grain 0.357″.
The actor playing the chauffeur is clearly thinking: “Shit! How did I sink this low? Time for a career change.”
Nowadays the suckers who would have bought these cars are paying millions of dollars for NFTs. They’re buying “rare” numbers referring to a badly drawn picture of a pipe-smoking monkey. I guess it’s less harmful in general, but they’re still suckers.
The model in that ad seemingly shares his opinion, given her look of complete disinterest bordering on contempt. “Look, just take the shot and give me my check so I don’t have to stand by this…vehicle any longer. Can I push it in the river before we go?”
Egad, I had never before noticed the fake running boards stuck onto the lower doors. There is nothing worse than something that combines ugliness and uselessness.
I never understood these. And I never understood people who did understand these.
And we dare to laugh at Mitsuoka cars ?!?!
Mitsuoka do a better job I reckon
I wonder if any sedans or limos were actually sold? The Royale (with cheese?) limo appears to be marketed to third world tin horn dictators. “Baby Doc, your ride is here.” Maybe the Virginia Slims model is some secret agent super spy operative. All these would be great props in bad 1970’s drive-in fodder.
It seems that the ‘Royale’ Limousine’ in the photo was delivered to the President of Gabon.
Looking at the owner’s list at the bottom of your linked page is quite entertaining. Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr. along with Evel Kneivel, Lucille Ball, and Kenny Rogers.
I see what you did there with the Pulp Fiction allusion! I see that the two Royales are in Gabon and Saudi Arabia. Better there than here, I say.
Folks above have said it all. These are the silliest, most hideous, cars I have seen in my life.
When I worked in Abu Dhabi/UAE in the 1980s I saw those cars regularly. So there must have been a market, albeit not in America. I alwyas thought they were pimped Cadillacs from a local arabian dealership.
I think they were produced for a fairly long period of time. I remember seeing them – and other neo-classics that were popular in the period – in the basement of the New York Auto Show when I was a regular attendee in the 70s. Lumped in with all of them, sadly, was the Avanti II (whoever was building them at the time). Around the time their (limited) popularity was fading, along came the Fiero, which gave all these manufacturers a new platform upon which to build their weird visions.
A question: with all the eye-mauling accessories ladled onto the “IV Porte Sedan,” I’m having trouble figuring out the original car it spawned from. Lincoln Versailles?
my EYEEEES !!
THE GOGGLES…THEY DO NOTHING!!!
(also: I think I’m gonna hurl.)
It’s hard to imagine that someone might have preferred the statement that a car like this would make, when they could afford a Mercedes 450 SEL.
Money doesn’t buy taste or class; it just buys the power to inflict upon others an amplified version of whatever is(n’t) already there.
I’d rather have the Bugazzi. Far more tasteful.
Looking at them, they are not really for me. But looking closer at that middle picture (brown over tan sedan), it would be quite stunning if:
1. They removed that stupid overly large grill and put a more normal one on.
2. Remove the fake spare tire off the trunk.
3. Remove those things on the doors.
4. Lastly, remove that pipe coming out the fender like a side exhaust.
Then it would be a fairly nice looking car.
I agree with all the comments about these cars, but in some ways they’re less annoying to me than many modern cars.
The metal parts on these Stutzi are real metal, polished or chromed or whatever, and they didn’t really have to be, as aluminum-pigmented paint and plastic were available then.
It just would have been too tacky even for a Stutz. (Especially with 80s paint-to-plastic adherence tech, but my point works better if you don’t think about that. Or much else.)
The windows, from whatever vehicles they were sourced from, appear to be functionally-sized and thus probably provide decent visibility. An arm could be placed on the sill while driving without it being at ear-level, as if you are trying to show the world how well you maintain your pits.
To me, the limo looks better, or less bad, than most other limos. From a distance I kind of see a 60s Imperial shape, with just an embiggened middle from what I assume is donated from Cadillac. I also like the color.
Speaking of color, these have lots of It. Everywhere. I miss more colorful coloring of cars, and enjoy seeing it…even if it has to be on a Stutz.
The part I think you aren’t taking into account though is the pricing. Compared to “many modern cars” these were SIGNIFICANTLY more expensive. In 1981, a Blackhawk coupe (not the convertible) went for over $84,000 – and that’s in 1981 dollars so over $260,000 today. This is for a car based on a Pontiac Bonneville chassis. A current Mercedes S-Class starts at $111,000 today, so less than half that. But yes, far more common.
I don’t know that most people, including you and I could readily, off the top of their head and confidently without looking it up, name many modern cars that retail for over a quarter million dollars – but rest assured that those that do cost that much include plenty of real metal and exotic material parts and trim with a minimum of painted plastic akin to what’s in a RAV4 or Ford Escape. You often get to spec the actual color you want too, not limited to a brochure with a dozen choices. And likely are dynamically, build quality-wise, and atmospherically far superior to anything ever built on a Pontiac chassis. Nothing fundamentally wrong with a Pontiac, I’ll hasten to add, but at those prices it’s not an association I’d necessarily want included.
At the end of the day, you spend the money, you get what you want. If a Blackhawk only cost the equivalent of what a Toyota Avalon sells for today, it’d probably just be a Bonneville with more body cladding and a pinstripe.
You are right of course regarding pricing.
You know how people complain about fake-looking plastiwood in interiors? This is just my version of that I guess. Fake wood has been around my whole life but I never took to the brushed-aluminum style, even on electronics.
I’ve never cared for Di-Noc either.
If the fake stuff was just on the inside than that would shut me up. 😀
What were they thinking? Ive never seen one of these in the metal/ fibreglass and really have no wish to do so, show one to Bad Chad and let him make a better job of it.
I would have opted for a Maserati IV Porte Sedan.
That’s not a bad call (probably), one wonders which depreciated faster. In 1982 the Maserati started at $65k here in the US. It’s actually aged better than I expected, back in the era I regularly saw a brown one on the way to my friend’s house apparently owned by the guy that played Rick on Magnum PI, but as mentioned it was brown which wasn’t good even back then. The one here in this Car & Driver review https://www.caranddriver.com/reviews/a32207773/tested-1982-maserati-quattroporte/
looks quite good to me even today. Except for the 8mpg part…the least efficient car in America at the time.
A local restaurant owner had one and drove it regularly; beautiful car and always a pleasure to see on the road. It disappeared about 10 years ago, sadly. Haven’t seen one since.
That’s one restaurant I’d NEVER eat at.
Looks like a do it yourself kit and no one read the assembly instructions.
Kids, just say No!
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