If A Freight Company Ran Xmas

This recent  viral video of FedEx Express behaving like a Grinch got me thinking: What if the North Pole operated like a Freight Company?

Roadway Mack CH with Holiday Cheer

Having seniority Santa would use a sick day and the New Elf at the bottom of the board would be called in.

The Sleigh would not be loaded in route order and Elves would hold up Santa’s sleigh for over an hour, looking for a toy on the dock, only to find out they already loaded it. The Sugar plums and Spice would have been loaded with Poison at the break-bulk and destroyed; the other toys would be crushed after being loaded 3000lb skid of coal. The  Kwanzaa Decorations, Festivus Poles and Hanukkah Menorahs would be misplaced until February in the nose of the Over, Short and Damaged holding trailer.

Rudolf would be red-tagged out of service behind the stable with the bulb for his nose on back order from North Pole Freightliner.  He would be replaced by a rental reindeer at triple the cost from Penske. Several of the newer Reindeer would be sick and need a trip to the vet after being fed regular feed rather than the special ultra low sulfur feed required for all of those born after 2007.

Mack Pinnacle Loading the National Christmas Tree

Mrs. Clause the “Sleigh Dispatcher” would hang up on the Elf after he gets lost after being detoured through Halloweentown. The good boys and girls on the west coast would not get their presents until the next day as the Elf was unfamiliar with the route and ran out of hours and had to stop driving per Federal DOT regulations. All of the Coal consigned for Wall Street would get the Elf a ticket for being over axle weight on the back of the Sleigh.

The parents would have a conniption when they got the bill for holiday delivery, inside  residential delivery,  liftgate service, sorting & segregating & repalletizing the presents and the 35% Reindeer feed surcharge.