Corpse-side Classic: 1986 Buick Hearse: The Ultimate (B)Body Wagon And Official CC Hearse

(first posted 10/29/2011)    B-bodies are mighty popular with the CC crowd; every article on them generates peak readership and comments. Since I’m a long-range thinker (maybe medium-range is more accurate), I’ve entered into discussions with Musgrove Family Mortuary whereby they would agree to maintain this pristine B-Body Buick Hearse for as long as necessary to haul my X-Body on its final car ride. Just one hitch: they won’t do it for me alone; we need to sign up at least twenty hard-core B-Body fans for them to commit. So here it is: a chance to secure the ultimate ride in the ultimate B-Body wagon. A $250 deposit is all it takes; details after the jump. I know I can count on you.

I might be off a year one way or the other on its exact model year, but this quarter-century-old Buick meat wagon is still in the prime of its life, a cut above the typical boring late-model Caddy. And I’ve negotiated the deal such that if we get twenty-five of us signed up, we can get it modified a bit to even better suit our B-taste.

The fake wire wheel covers have to go for sure; we’ll have to debate the choices for replacement. The Buick styled steel road-wheels are probably going to be the popular choice, but a set Cragars might be worth considering. I know in our crowd that big donks won’t have a chance. Maybe plain steel wheels with dog-dishes?

And a big debate will be whether to have fake wood applied to its flanks. Normally, I’m more of a clean-sided guy, but the idea of a woodie meat wagon has a definite appeal.

There’s plenty of nice wood on the inside, so why not on the outside. Man, those rollers would be perfect for loading sheets of plywood or sheetrock. Maybe I can make a deal where I buy it outright and rent it out for those special occasions. Or maybe open up a natural burial service. I know how to whip out a nice plain pine box, and there’s folks out in the country that have meadows set aside for this sort of thing. If that appeals more, let me know. I’m always game to try a new sideline business, and there’s undoubtedly more bucks in it than blogging about B-Bodies.

The driver’s compartment is in mighty fine shape too; but then mortuaries know how to keep old bodies looking at their best. Of course, thinking about driving this big baby brings up another important question: whether to swap in something a bit more potent than the 140 hp 307 Olds V8. I happen to think that a burnout is essential at the start of a funeral parade, so I’m there. Got any suggestions?

The acres of vinyl are still as soft as a baby’s bottom, but the Mortuary’s garage is full up with more modern iron. So I make no guarantees on the roof’s condition when your turn comes, but we promise to trim any moss and weeds that might be growing on it by then, should it take that long.

Just for the record, this is a genuine Superior Coach, and not some cheap imitation. And to help close the deal, here’s what you’re not going to have to ride in, thanks to your pre-planning deposit:

That certainly wouldn’t do. Totally unforgivable for a Curbside Corpse.

Oops; Looks like there’s another B-Body hauler still at work. But come on; Cadillacs are just way too common and obvious. The Buick with a nice set of wheels and wood applique has this beat hands down, right?

I know you wouldn’t want to be jammed into the compact model. They only keep it around for use during a gas-spike, or for hauling urns. It just wouldn’t be respectful otherwise.

So there we have it. I just need nineteen other like-minded souls to join me in this bit of advance planning. I can almost see myself in there now already.