CC Capsule: 2002 Subaru Pleo Nesta – One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nesta

Good morning, everybody. I’m nurse T87. We have a new patient with us in group today. I’ll do the introductions, if you wish. This is Subaru Pleo Nesta, who will be joining us from now on and until this bad case of Mecedesophaly retroiditis can be taken care of.

Well, are we too shy to address the group? There really is no need to feel ashamed. I read from your file that this nasty and debilitating case of retro styling affected you between June 1999 and January 2004, while you were still a little kei. That must have been painful. Won’t you tell us what happened? No? I must stress again that there is no reason to feel ashamed – we will see you through to a cure, even if it kills you.

I’m kidding of course. So aside from those kooky quads and the silly chrome grille, what symptoms are you displaying? Let’s seen the back of you. No need to feel ashamed. Oh my word! Those are some really atrociously malformed rear light clusters. I’ll let Dr Niedermeyer know and he will prescribe you some topical ointment. You seem agitated. Should I recommend a course of EV shocks to see if that calms you down? What’s that? You can’t because you’re internally combusting? Oh, yes. I can smell that now. No reason to feel ashamed, please. We’re professionals, we’ve seen, heard and smelled it all before. Not that we necessarily want to do so again. Let’s keep our exhaust to ourselves, ok?

Have you been taking the treatment that we have prescribed to you these past few days? I must stress that you really have to take it every morning, noon and night. It will calm you down and hopefully take care of this Nesta affliction you have. Within a few months, you may well turn back into a plain regular Pleo and you could re-join your range. Wouldn’t that be nice? No more of these delusions of grandeur about being a baby Benz when all you pack is 660cc. You really have been damaged, haven’t you. Don’t feel embarrassed, it’s okay. That’s what we’re here for, to cure you.

Now, I understand that Dr Klein and Professor Andreina have pioneered a surgical procedure they call a Benzectomy, which could shorten your stay with us by a considerable amount. There are a few risks involved, of course. Not keen on the surgical option? Then we had better start taking our medication every day and be nice to everyone, hadn’t we? That means no more cheating at cards and making Mitsuoka Ray cry, and no more teasing Mitsubishi Flying Pug about the name – that’s mean. Yes, I know it’s hard to resist, but it really is uncalled for. And so was that headlamp roll. I’m sorry, what did you call me?

Well, we have got a big mouth on us, haven’t we. You ought to be ashamed. Do you want me to tell your parent company what you just said to me? It might be a good time for you to take a nap, rather than disturb the group with your nastiness. I will call our orderlies, Mr Justy and Mr Bryce, who will escort you “down under.” That’s how we call the padded garage we have in the basement. We’ll let you settle in and see how you are in a little while. In the meantime, I’ll ask our pharmacist Dr Cavanaugh to ratchet up your medication. Off with you now, Nesta.