Junkyard Outtake: When The 2.5MPH Federal Bumper Standard Just Doesn’t Seem Good Enough

Sometimes you’re just walking along minding your own business and something catches your eye that causes you to wonder aloud “What The F@%&?”  This, my friends, was one of those times.  At first I thought I was looking at some sort of Gambler 500 entry or similar but no, this Buick looked bone-stock.  Bone-stock, except for the massive, yet thoughtfully and caringly padded with quality Michelin steel belted radials, replacement front bumper.

Perhaps this helps one disperse traffic jams up ahead, I know if I saw this coming up behind me, I’d pull it over right now as if Jon and Ponch were pointing and yelling at me.  My old 1982 Subaru Wagon elicited a similar effect due to a mangled front right fender and assorted other damage, I felt like Moses parting the San Francisco area traffic with that thing.  Upon examination, this here is just a massive assemblage of square tubing, yet welded and finished including what looks like good paint to a pretty good degree.  This took some thought and doing.

It’s bolted both to the strut towers as well as the radiator support, as well as being cut into it in order for the hood to close properly.  I didn’t want to get down in the snow and dirt and I still couldn’t find that Chevy Nova rear bench back cushion to lay upon but it’s likely tied in underneath as well.

It appears that the battery was moved to the outside of the car.  Normally it’s located just inside the underhood area to the right, I suppose the supports would have been in the way of if it needed to ever be replaced so this was thought to be the better idea for the long-term.  Which if nothing else shows a lot of, or at least enough, forethought.  And lights?  Who the hell needs lights, there’s no reason to worry about running into something with this Mad Max assembly!  Pity the fool that stops in front of you.

Here’s a better close-up of the battery area.  This would make things easier for the fellow that Paul found a few weeks ago using a jumper cables to power something inside the car, no need to mess with opening the hood.  I love how the yard put another support under the bumper assembly itself, perhaps it’s so heavy that including the engine it might otherwise topple forward and crush a shopper clutching a fistful of dollars.  Safety first!

Other than that, it’s just a regular old later model A-Body Buick Century, one of the supposedly best assembled cars in North America of its time. Curiously, this isn’t even the first A-body I’ve found locally with a modified front end, a couple of years ago I found this Cutlass Ciera with an interesting Home-Depot-brew front lighting setup.  Yes, folks, this is what happens in areas with no vehicle inspections.  Welcome to the Wild West, now get the hell out of the way!